I am honestly so fucking glad that the weekend is over. All I did was do what everyone else wanted. My daughter I spent hours waiting around to hear from her Dad. I had him and the new girlfriend meet me at the Sheriff’s department. Then later in the night, I had to go get her from the apartments where he stayed before. It was just a complete shit show. My boyfriend called as soon as I got there asking why we weren’t meeting at the Sheriff’s Office and I had to explain that he told me his girlfriend was busy with her kids and wasn’t driving anywhere.
I am so fucking sick of everything falling on me like it always has. What would this look like if I didn’t have a car?! I don’t understand where this guy thinks it’s okay or fair to ME to be responsible for transporting her to him and from him simply because he won’t get his shit together enough to get his own fucking car!
I worked a little this morning but I am seriously going further and further in the fucking hole every single day and I have no way out. There’s just no money to be made during the week and I don’t have a sitter on the weekends. I also don’t want to be away from my kid all weekend long either!
Then, I go to dump her off with them yesterday and he’s telling me that I need to get a better job and blah blah blah. Well I explained to him that I don’t have childcare after school and I have to be flexible for her appointments. He then goes on to say that he wants to hang out Wednesday before court. Um, why? So he can play nice to my face and then turn around and embarrass the fuck out of both of us in the court room?!
I have finished my letter and have emailed it to the lady that’s going to print out all my stuff. I see her tomorrow at 1pm. I have made myself understand that this is probably not going to go the way I want it to and will have to find a way to adjust. My boyfriend wants me to tell the judge we are looking to move to another state and we need to make a long distance plan. I just feel like everything is so up in the air and it’s making me sick.
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through and it’s maddening. One minute I’m convinced that he’ll just get reasonable visitation because he’s so unstable and the next minute I’m about the throw up thinking about 50/50 and would that would look like for my daughter. I know that he’s staying with some new girlfriend and her tribe of kids but that’s only going to last so long.
Going about this with no legal help is disgusting. It’s impossible to even get legal advice on the phone so I am just going to use Google, God, and a prayer. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this but somehow I will. I have to understand that this thing of him being unstable is never going to change. I’m just going to be several upset if I’m the one having to transport to visits and back home. It’s just exhausting and impeding on my time. Why should I get punished for his poor choices?
My boyfriend feels that I need to use my voice more. Well, every time I do that things tend to just get worse and I am so fucking sick of fighting with this motherfucker that yeah, at this point I just try and keep the peace. I just don’t feel that now is the time to become an unreasonable bitter ass bitch. We have court in 2 days. I want to stay as civil as I can and not be hostile. I also don’t want to carry that into the courtroom. I feel that staying calm and unreactive is going to be in my best interest.
I have even thought about 50/50 and if that’s the route this goes, I would rather she just live with him full time. It’s not fair for a child to be switching homes every few days and feel like she doesn’t belong anywhere. That would suck to finally get settled and have to leave again. I don’t want my daughter to go through that. She’s also never known him to be more than just a person to hang out with sometimes and she doesn’t see him as a Dad. I have no problem with him seeing her but I also know that he’s not stable. I think he finds really desperate women but none of them put up with his bullshit long term. Every time my daughter sees him, he’s living in a different place and has yet another new girlfriend. She’s hardly ever seen just him and I know that gets to her. She never gets one on one time with him.
My head is spinning and I’ve had a stomach ache for days. I think I’m going to be so relieved when Wednesday comes and this shit starts to get hashed out. The worry is worse I think. It’s gonna go the way it’s gonna go and I wish I could accept that but my body can’t.
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