I’m failing to regulate
It’s hot as balls out. I’m on the tail end of a cold. I have been up since 3:30 this morning. Things are getting to me today. I had it under control until I didn’t. This was our second weekend at the fair. I didn’t get to ride the rides I wanted to. I was stuck with the participant that is additional needs. It’s take take take and I get back nothing. That’s what I said out loud to myself, which made everything about work just hit me at once. I had a mini tantrum about it.
I give a lot to my program. Far more than anyone else in my role. Whenever I ask for something? You know how it is. Tale as old as time.
The kids had an awesome day. We had extra tickets, so I gave them to my sister and her family. They had an awesome time. My boss brought his wife, and she had an awesome time. Why can’t I just be content that everybody had an awesome day because of me? Taking these kids to this fair was my idea. I coordinated it and then facilitated it. My coordinator wasn’t useless through it, but he is not on my level, and I think his boss is about to see that.
We have a new Youth Manager. He asked my coordinator to give me a “snapshot” of the happenings in our program. What we all do, what we have on our plates, a little report on how it is going, etc. He brought that up to me casually and quietly. You don’t know shit about what I do. Is what I was thinking. I felt like I needed to advocate for myself here, so I wrote a list of everything I have done and what I am doing. I’m going to look like I am in charge because I am running this program. It was nothing before you started, and it just blew up out of nowhere. Amber said to me. I never felt so seen. He leaves everything for you because he knows you will do it. She said to me that day I came back from my 5-day weekend. My coordinator abandoned me to run the day and the program. Amber saw me struggling to make it happen, and that is when she spoke up. It’s not your job to coordinate program. Long story short, I don’t get any fucking credit. I was happy to do it, but that has suddenly changed. I am living for the applause?
I have been waiting for the right opportunity to talk about this. I keep trying to schedule a staff meeting/sharing circle with my team so we can check in and build a better climate. One that feels fair for all of us.
Then, when I could have taken the participants home that I was driving, I took them to the office. They wanted to hang out. One of them stole the change from my car. It was barely $3. I had to clean up a mess in my backseat, also. My coordinator packed them some food for the road and forgot that I said I do not want them eating in my car. I am very disappointed in him, but I don’t expect any action to be taken. Just more caution on my end. My coordinator wants me to fill an incident report. Where was that report when I reported to everyone that I walked in on someone rummaging through my car? Or when I reported to them that an employee put hosiery in my coat at a work function? I could go on. This kid is my favourite, so that is why I am disappointed. He is also very new to the program. We like him because he immediately adopted us as elder brothers. Always wants to learn from us.
Maybe I just need to manage my expectations. Wish I had someone to talk to, honestly. I have a long weekend at least. I do not intend to fester. I told my coordinator that I don’t want to talk about our program until we are back at work on Wednesday.
At the end of the day, none of this really matters. I don’t feel appreciated, recognized, or valued like everybody else at their job. Welcome to life, bub. Going out of my way is my love language. My coordinator is like a brother to me. I hate complaining about him. He tries so hard to keep up with me, and I feel so horrible when he feels like he needs to try and regulate me when is able to tell that I am upset. I try not to show pain or fear. I’m not one of those little gremlins that needs to make public displays of attention. I just air it on PB or chat like an abnormal person. He just needs direct communication from me but I feel bad because I feel like he is fawning. Which is fear-based stuff. Whatever, maybe they are planning to fire me.
I brought one of our mountain bikes home from the office. My roommate and I are going to take them to a provincial park. We are driving them first! I have my second session for somatic trauma work on Tuesday. Then I am lying in the sun. I also left the ball in Jonah’s court, so eventually, in theory, he will tell me when he is available to go on a hike with me. We will see what happens with that. I don’t catch breaks.
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