Floods in All Good Things

Italy is being difficult. Part of me wishes it was already this time next week so it would be over. The past three days in particular have been a bit too intense for me. Plenty of good, absolutely amazing good, some of the best times of my life, but overall, right now I’m too stressed. And that was never the point of this.

The Japanese contingent joined us for the weekend, which was lovely, which meant more friendly faces in the audience. Currently I’m totally put off Italians. Again, there have been lots of lovely people, but there’ve been some such horrendous ones that it’s putting me off the country in its entirety.

The floods aren’t helping. You can’t walk down the street in Milan at the moment without fear of being washed away, and I hear that people are actually dying because of floods not that far away. In the past few days, some places have had as much rain as they’d normally get in an entire year! We were supposed to go to Venice today, our one day off from shows, but in this weather? Not happening. Apparently it’s meant to get better later in the week, but it’ll be too late for Venice.

Also, I don’t really even care. I’m appalled at myself, because all my life I longed to travel and Venice was one place always very high on my list. Now I’m two hours away from it and I feel like I can’t be bothered. I try to tell myself that if I forced the issue and went, I’d be so happy I did (like with Jerusalem and the Dead Sea in June), but honestly, I’m not so sure.

Maybe this is it for me. Might it be? Might my wanderlust finally be gone? God, I hope so. I’m somewhat sick of it ruling my life.

I’m trying to stay away from the person I need to stay away from. It’s hard. That’s probably why I feel the way I do right now. It’s only one more week and then I never need to see him again.....a reality which hurts as much as it brings relief. It wasn’t supposed to end this way.

Last night we had our first actual conversation all week, since I’d been actively avoiding him. It was horrible. Chris was there, and in front of him both of us were so self-conscious it felt like we barely knew each other. God knows I love Chris dearly, but my goodness, can he loom! But....oh....hearing that voice again....gazing into those bright golden eyes so close to mine again....

This is why I need to stay away. There are plenty of other people to hang out with, people I love and won’t be seeing for a while after this ends, so I have nothing to complain about. Truly, I don’t, and it’s ridiculous that I’m feeling so down when I’m in the middle of something wonderful, something I’m going to be so grateful for, for the rest of my life. I should be enjoying it to the full. And I am. Honestly. I just wish I could erase this overpowering need for something I can’t ever have, because it’s ruining everything.