I am overwhelmed by all the love I have received writing about my life. I appreciate every single one of you and I feel very humbled that so many people see me as strength. I definitely do what I can to stand tall and be everyone’s motivation to do right, love within your limits and don’t take more than you can give.
Things are a bit better. He apologized last night and was very upset that I stayed at the shelter. He was crying his eyes out and saying how he never meant to make me feel unsafe with him. He said how shelters are for women that get their ass beat and I should know he would never put his hands on me or my daughter. I honestly don’t feel that he ever would but that doesn’t mean that I still didn’t feel safe Sunday night.
He is the first person that truly made me feel safe from the minute I met him and he’s taken that away. He stole it actually. I don’t know what will make me change the way I feel but right now, I don’t feel safe like I did. People need to understand that your words and actions stay with people. Do you want them to walk around feeling happy about your presence or dread it? Do you know that every time you talk to someone could be the last time?
I will let you all know that I’ve never claimed to be a saint. I have done a lot of terrible things in my life and I’ve spent a lot of years reflecting on the things that I shouldn’t have done and the things I shouldn’t have said and that’s why I’m so able to keep my cool now.
BD is still a fucking idiot. He hasn’t seen his child since Mother’s Day which was over a month ago. He was to take her to a picnic on Saturday and never heard back and then wanted her last night and I never heard back. Today he’s messaging wanting to take her to the lake and didn’t have much of a defense when I’ve pointed out that he’s stood her up twice just recently other than saying he’ll quit his job. He won’t tell me where he’s working unless I agree that she can go with him today and again, I am so sick of him holding something hostage all the fucking time.
I let him know that a schedule needs to be established and I need more than a few hours notice. I’m not doing this thing where he wants her THAT day and having no regard for the fact that we also have lives and shit going on. He acts like we need to just be sitting around on standby waiting for him to give a fuck. I would really like to know what he thinks court is going to do other than possible get rid of CS and make it so I have to always have an open line of communication with him.
I’m just extremely concerned that we are going to have many court dates and then I’ll end up being stuck here in the meantime and beyond. I can promise all of you reading that whether it’s on paper or not, he will never see her consistently but at least he won’t be able to ever tell anyone that I’m keeping him from his kid. That’s one of the positives I’m going to stay mindful of. He won’t be able to keep telling everyone he’s being kept from his child because there will be a court order. This man will go to his grave believing I have been the sole reason for him not being a Dad, even though there will be papers stating he’s to see her.
Then if he doesn’t get 50/50 or as much time as he wants, he probably won’t see her at all. If things don’t go exactly his way, I guarantee he’s still going to see he doesn’t get to see her and even the courts are against him. Well, yeah I mean he’s been absent MOST OF HER FUCKING LIFE so asking for 50/50 is a bit of a leap.
From what I know about court involving child custody, it’s just legalized abuse. I have no doubt that is what is goal is and is going to have. I am just worried that we’ll be stuck here and he still won’t see her or see her just enough so we can’t leave. I am going to put in my letter to the judge that we are planning to move so that hopefully we won’t just be stuck here so he can play his fucking games.
He just messaged back. Since I told him that he bailed out on his plans with her and I need more than a few hours notice and because withholding his job information didn’t work, now he’s going for emotional control and saying that I can’t live off what he was previously making and he needs to make more to pay for my hair, nails, and my car payments. These fucking deadbeat men go by a playbook, I swear. I am leaving him on read. It’s not MY FAULT he’s made plans with her twice in just the last 5 days where he didn’t follow through and I’m now hesitant to agree on letting her go, he’s trying to incite an argument.
I want to remind everyone that this man has gone more than half her life not paying CS payments and owes me almost 12K. I have paid for all her expenses, including my own. It’s unfortunate that he’s too much of a deadbeat piece of trash to understand that she has expenses and he’s made sure that I’ve paid for them all and I want to be reimbursed. I’ve done it all by myself whilst he lived off everyone and had zero responsibility. He will never understand that having a child is parenting even when you would like to be kid-free. It’s being there for not only taking pictures but actually being with them. Teaching them life. Showing them kindness. Not just when it’s suitable for your image.
Another thing. I looked on that filthy website and he slept with someone last night and that’s why he didn’t make time for his child. I sent the screenshot to his ex and she says it’s the same picture from a few days ago but even if that’s the case, he still chose to give up time with his child and she was left with her feelings hurt. This is why I’ve learned to not expect a fucking thing from him at all but he’s the one that TOLD HER on the phone she was going to spend time with him yesterday and then never heard back.
I honestly can’t wait for court and get this shit figured out. I am worried about the whole 50/50 thing and I was driving this morning thinking about what I’m going to do if that happens. I just have so many thoughts and feelings in my head that I don’t know what to do with it all. The waiting for court is absolutely debilitating. I think everyday how our lives could seriously be turned upside down in the next week. Even if he gets 50/50, it won’t change the everyday but might make it to where he doesn’t even have to contribute financially.
It still makes me just rage when I think about how he’s made this situation just as miserable as he could have and people STILL take up for him. I paid for childcare for the first 3 and half years of her life because he wouldn’t get enrolled with his tribe. I had to leave my child in the care of strangers when he wasn’t working. I missed so much of her life because all I did was work because he didn’t pay a fucking dollar to help. He did everything he could do to make sure that I didn’t get ANYTHING from him even if that meant his child went without. He was absolutely hell bent to ensure I got nothing because he’s a very bitter, hateful motherfucker that doesn’t deserve to even have a child. We are no closer to co-parenting and being civil now as we were when she was born. He’s going to make sure that we never get to a good place.
Now, I have to finish writing my letter and figure out what screenshots to print out to show that we are high-conflict, show his instability, and him being absent. I have left messages with lawyers and still have yet to get a call back. I can’t get help from the women’s shelter because their lawyer only does protection orders so I’m going in this blindly. There’s zero help so I just have to utilize Google and my best judgment.
I’ll write more later. My headache has still not going away.
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