Mindset in 2014

  • Nov. 17, 2014, 7:09 a.m.
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My mind’s not in a great place right now. It’s a few days til the anniversary of my dad’s death, and there’s also a general....loneliness that I can’t shake. And now Anna’s got a new boyfriend. It’s been four months, but I know I’m not even considering looking for someone. But it seems she’s found someone she clicked with…

I keep hearing that the one who ends the relationship is the one who’s supposed to be moving on easier while the one who is broken up with has to take the time to heal.... but apparently I never got that memo. I know it was the right decision, yet it’s still a weight I carry. It’s still sore, even though I’m the one who got to play the villain because I dumped her. I was the selfish one, yet apparently I’m the only one still trying to heal from it.

And I keep to myself just how much of an impact it’s had on me… The fact that she apparently wasted three years of her life. Or that I was a selfish bastard for taking away her way out of such a miserable place. Never mind the wounds, doubts, insecurities that I walked away with. Things I’ll likely be sorting through for a long time. Things I’ll likely keep to myself for a long time…

And I’ll likely stop hearing from her at this point. We’ve kept in touch pretty well, but now I’m not expecting it. There’s nothing I can offer her at this point. And I’m considering taking a break from Facebook for awhile. There’s too much…negativity there for me right now. She still throws occasional barbs on there, though I don’t think they’re meant to be that intentional. And she… doesn’t really hold a lot back from FB, no matter her claims to the contrary. My mind’s in too raw a place to deal with that right now. And maybe pulling back from FB would give me more privacy and attention for myself. I need it.... there’s a round of doctor’s appointments, a sleep study, and other things coming up as I’m trying to get myself healthy and in a better place. And I’m struggling to get there.

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