A Remarkable Transformation in Journal

Has occurred within me

I often find myself verbalizing things that seem incongruous with what I am thinking. I often have the experience of verbalizing, and then saying/thinking- where did that come from?

I’m beginning to piece together a theory that perhaps this is just how am individually constituted. It’s different than most people. Well, everyone that I know.
The constitution that I mean is that my ‘I’ is very close. Perhaps even merged with me as a whole. So much so that my ‘I’ acts and speaks and makes decisions entirely without the need for me; a personified thought-construct. Along the lines of the erroneous western concept of the ego; but this is entirely wrong and inaccurate, as the ego is closer to the ‘I’ or higher self. The me that I’m speaking of is not bad, it is simply caught in the crucifix of time and space. It’s the me without access to higher perceptions.

And so the little me has the experience of not knowing where the verbalizing is coming from; little me has no access to these timeless times and spaceless spaces. But my ‘I’ does. Little me is constituted in a curious way; she loves to be invisible. She loves to receive perceptions as clearly as possible.

And so, as I was driving home from the grocery store today and I was wondering in curiosity why this feeling of controversy and angsty combativeness still hauts and bothers me?
An image of my mom came and she said, as she often does, something along the lines of, “you need to change what you feel and think to be in a relationship with me” and- the feeling surrounding this communication was not one of loving guidance- it was rather a threat of withholding and manipulation. That I must change who I am to appease her- merely because who I am makes her uncomfortable.
And- exactly as it happens with verbalizing when I have no idea what is being said- the response came instantly; “But I don’t want to.” The voice is my voice and it was totally neutral. No aggression, no defensiveness. It was just a statement made in genuine being, and needed nothing and had nothing to prove and transcended manipulation totally.

And you know, I just burst out laughing. OH MY GOD is it that simple?!
It was such a profound statement. Especially as it came from such a deep and authentic place.

I should listen to myself more often