I’m tossing and tortured till dawn.
The honeymoon phase is over. I’m starting to have animosity toward work. I cannot sleep because my brain decided that I needed to be upset at my boss. Rage is like diesel fuel for me. I’m gassed up, and he isn’t here for me to pop off at.
The week before May long he kept fucking up. He kept fucking up big time but I let him have a bad week. I was going to have a five-day weekend anyway. I return from that, and he calls in. People kept asking where he was, like I was his keeper. I saved face, but I was very annoyed with him. Amber, however, was very disappointed in him. She saw me struggling to pull my program together for that evening. Do you have a program tonight? He shouldn’t be leaving you with this. He should be coordinating this. He is the coordinator. He leaves everything for you because he knows you’ll do it. That is the quiet part, said out loud. Your program was nothing until you were hired. It blew up out of nowhere because of you. You’re doing all the work. She said. I had never felt so seen because he gets all the glory.
We spent a week doing land-based training. He didn’t have an excuse to get out of doing a program with the kids when we got back, so he just said that he didn’t want to. I answered a few emails. He said to me when I started later that day. I started later so I could be there for our youth in the evening. That pissed me off. He does that all the time. He did that to me on Thursday. He had a meeting he forgot about, and I was stuck with the hamper order. Receiving it, dividing it, and then driving around handing them out. Then, running a program.
This Saturday, we took our youth to the zoo. It was my idea. I make the calendar. I plan all the things we will do. I coordinated the day. I split it in half. In the morning, I brought one of our new participants to program to go to the museum with us mentors. He isn’t ready for group programs just yet. There was no parking, so I dropped them all off and sat it out. I got us packed up for the zoo while I waited. All he had to do was bring the free passes. He didn’t. He did not bring them. He thought I was going to do that too. They’re locked up in his office. What an asshole. We had to expense it.
My face is acting like subtitles. He is picking up on the tension.
Tuesday, when we get back from our weekend… I’m already overwhelmed. He is going to be on his phone, and I am going to lose it on him because I have to. We have Wilfred Buck coming on Friday, which is a big deal. I got the other youth programs involved. He keeps telling them to talk to me about the details. That pisses me off. Head office got wind of Wilfred Buck coming, and they’re trying to get involved now. I need him to figure out what is happening with that. We need to pay the guy, for starters, and we need to know if he is doing an extra presentation. I need to coordinate our boxing schedule and one-on-ones for the week. Then we are taking our youth to the Red River Ex this weekend, which is fair. I need us to get the tickets. He will wait until the last second. I have to fight with his ADHD. Everything is last-second when it is left up to him. Three times, our finance department had to call him on his day off to get him to pay us because he forgot to submit our timesheets. I have to passively nag him to do things. We have 99 things to do, and he just answers emails until I show up?
Then there is the motherload. Our part-time mentor. He is always late. He will just not show up. He misses days. He gets away with it. I just want to tell my coordinator off. When he is late paid, I get to leave paid. I work too hard to not have the dating-your-sister privileges… fix this! Or I am going to get your new boss to fix this.
It is 3 AM. I wanted to be waking up in two hours. I wanted to hit up the gym before I head to my somatic healing session. Now I’m just going to be tired and miserable tomorrow instead of just miserable. I have so much ADHD task paralysis of my own to contend with right now. My worst is most people’s best, to be honest. I’ll be okay. Had to air this out so that it might help me sleep. Like, I just feel this agitation running through my veins. I declined a promotion, I chose the team, I didn’t expect anyone to act grateful, but I think I can expect them to act right. If I were leading this team, officially… There wouldn’t be a dramatic difference, truth be told. I coordinate my coordinator. Things would just be done a lot sooner.
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