Not that I had any doubts; but I was able to prove this weekend that I can waste an entire weekend even without alcohol. Though, I’ll admit, the urge to drink was thick on Saturday!
I did none of what I had scheduled or planned to do.
Granted, this is because several things that I had wanted to do were shifted in scheduling. And when a total of 8 hours is put through a shredder to be pieced together and taped out of order… that really throws a wrench into things. But yes. I have done none of what I wanted to accomplish this weekend.
I am giving myself something of a pass for Sunday. Every time I breathed in, there was a rattle in my chest and a hacking coughing fit until I produced something or until I could breathe without obstruction. ALL day. And that was certainly annoying.
But yeah. Of course the more “nothing” that is invested into, the more it negatively impacts my own self-worth and my understanding of “the justice” of life. And I wonder… since things in my social life are not working out at all…is that influencing my motivation and energy to get things done? Is it the opposite and my inability to get things done is impacting my social life? Or is this labeling theory mixing with social theory… since “men who experience loneliness” are “losers, wastes, and pathetic”.... so I’ve entered into a cycle of negative reinforcement associated to a part of the human condition that already tends to suck the vigor and life from a person?
At the end of the day it doesn’t really matter too terribly much. I’ll keep marching forward with whatever energy or focus I can. Keep pushing at work. Get through the show. Keep… being a cog in this Predatory Capitalist Machine being crushed by rising passionate Authoritarianism.
Funny, though, when Iowa gets on the National News Circuit for reasons I’ve been discussing for YEARS. A senator’s response to “Cuts to these programs will mean people die!” is “Well, we’re all going to die!”… and then that Senator’s “apology video” discusses how she didn’t mention the tooth fairy, either (because she’s equating PEOPLE DYING to a FICTIONAL creature) before ending the video by trotting out empty evangelical talking points about a loving Christ............................................... this is my state. Where “I don’t give a shit about my constituents” is “forgiven” with a saccharine enough appeal to Religiosity. And it will change nothing. That, too, is probably impacting me a bit. We have thorough undisputed irrevocable evidence that the people WE have put in power are corrupt, callous, and have completely turned their back on the voters.... and yet… I know in my heart Iowa won’t do a damned thing about it. Because “low education, low economic opportunity” offensively limited access to health care… pale in comparison to shit like “Hate Trans Kids! Ban Gay People! Deport Brown People!”
I suppose you can call it a depression. Sleeping more. Seeing how the systems WE support are doing their level best to actively HURT us. Looking to the Modern Life Raft for the sense of Community we sold out; and seeing how most of it is simply “THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD HATE THIS KIND OF PERSON”
TikTok Video this morning?
A woman literally ranting about how men SHOULD NOT go to therapy and SHOULD NOT have access to therapy because therapy might tell them that their emotions are valid and, to quote the person ranting, “We don’t need men being validated! That shit needs to stop and it needed to stop YEARS ago!!” I know I’m not the only person feeling this way. People who have been advocating for change their whole lives are all in various degrees of this “regressive shock”. But… too many people fought for too long and too hard to torch all of the progress made in the last 50 years! What the sincere fuck?! A society that is based on eviscerating each other for being human is a toxic society. A society that is based on accepting others for being human while holding people accountable for legitimately harmful behaviors sounds a lot more sustainable. But… we’ve all gotten to enjoy these last many years.... how apparently the Rise of the Toxic Asshole is just… too tempting to not invest in! WHY have a world where a majority can succeed, when it is so much more (apparently) fun to build a world where only the cruelest minority can succeed? And I shouldn’t have to clarify but because I will not permit my statement to be wildly intentionally misinterpreted for Race Bait.... the minority I’m discussing are the MAGA and particularly the rich/powerful/corrupt/cruel elites. Stepping on someone’s neck isn’t the best way to foster a successful society.
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