Self Worth, Pt 2 in Journal

It’s funny how

Some things are SO simple it makes you scream on the other side of clarity.

Talking to DH today, I felt my self worth. It was palpable. I notice it because it is so different from my previous experiences.
It’s a feeling of… Disregard for the outcome. Not just not caring, but full 100% acceptance with whatever the outcome is. No, I need this. No, that is not what I need. I need this. Please and thank you.

I can also see why it took so long. This is a 2-way street, believe it or not. I couldn’t come into my self worth without knowing for sure I’d be taken care of. Safe. Secure. And, my DH could not have done that for me. Not 5 years ago for sure. Not 2 years ago. Maybe… He might have done it a year ago. A year ago, maybe it was more on me. To grow more. To stop leading. To quit accepting stagnation in myself.
A lot has to come out of me. I’m not sure what, exactly. Pride.. maybe? A sense of vanity or self righteousness.

Somewhat unrelated tangent, I realized that I can’t help anyone by trying to help other people. Sounds crazy, huh?
But, yes; as it is thusly; the only good that comes about is through authentic self fulfillment.
I am most beneficial to others by enjoying to the fullest extent my own experience of… The clear, blue sky for example. Complete revelation in the feeling of river water coursing over my feet. Being totally immersed in my own self and my experiences.
I notice that I am in that state, I do have a profound effect on people. It does go against my ingrained torture as a child, wherein invisibility and not existing is my only real safety and comfort. And yet I feel more comfortable than ever being this inspiration for other people. Not only do I not mind it, I quite like it. I like not being the center of attention, but creating the unseen energy key which effects everyone and everything around in an invisible yet fundamental way. And those who notice.. well, they’re grand. For those who don’t - that’s fine, too. Occasionally I experience great tension from someone. It is not common, but it does happen. I’m not very good at it yet, but usually I feel their aggression diffuse entirely as they approach. Certainly by the time we’re face to face.
The thing about negative people is that they almost always know that I am the source of their discomfort. With people who are benefitted, they are mostly unconscious, or ignorant even, of the feeling in themselves. Funny how that works. It makes sense from a basic standpoint of bad news sells. Good news just slides on by.