I'm Addicted To Connection in The Kid Used To Dream

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a recovering introvert, but I’m not fully recovered. There are parts of me that the introvert still exists. I’ve been told that’s the part that makes me the friend. When I try to be confident it comes across as off-putting cocky. It’s a charade I can’t keep up. I buried cocky a long time ago and sometimes he resurfaces and screws things up for me. That entire entry up to this point made me sound like I have multiple personalities. It’s not that complicated. There are real people who suffer from that and I’m not making fun of them or downplaying their suffering in any way.

In the real world I would never initiate a conversation with a stranger. I would never just call someone up and remind them what they mean to me. I would rather hide behind this keyboard and express my inner feelings within the confines of this anonymity. This is hilarious to me because I’m a performer - but will tend to hide my true self behind an instrument. I know that people are not interested in me - just my gift, in the moment. It’s in the moment of performing music that I am dying on the inside hoping I connect with someone on a deeper level.

I admit I’m a completely different person behind the written words than I am in real life. Here, I get to say what I want without being interrupted because the attention span of real life conversations are extremely short. Then, I find myself hoping someone reads my entries and gives a response. I believe I’m addicted to the virtual connection because I would really like to have that type of controlled environment in reality. I say controlled because I have this acquaintance who is extremely wealthy. I helped them manage one of their businesses for 2 years. It was chaotic and ran my anxiety up a pole every day. Fortunately, for me, I padded my account and sacrificed enough to build my own business and music connections to a point I could leave. He’s constantly calling me wanting to throw me an appreciation party for the work I did for him. I can’t for the life of me muster up the courage to tell him I don’t want to be recognized. Why? Because this sort of thing is who he is. That’s who I am. I am terrified to let anyone down.

I remember once, in the 6th grade our class had a Christmas party - you know, before the offended and anti-religious took that away. I could easily be one of those - but this happened. As a matter of fact - I don’t remember having a Christmas party at our school after this one year.

We were all supposed to bring a gift. Boys brought a boys gift and girls a girl gift. If everyone did what they were supposed to do then everyone would be happy. One person didn’t bring a gift and the kid with the last name starting with V sat there sad. I suspected it was him that didn’t bring a gift. His family was very poor. His clothes never fit, and his shoes had holes. I found out later in life that from the time he was in the 2nd grade to when he was a teenager he was sexually abused. It was all over town what a relative did to him.

The more I watched him sit there at his desk while all of us played with our gifts - the worse my day went. I had gotten an awesome gift. It was a diecast key car. You put a key into the back of it, press the key and the car would take off! It was something I wanted so bad that I didn’t even open the package much. I took the car out just enough to maybe watch it zoom across the room. What I did do was take it to my teacher. I told her I wanted him to have it. She asked me if I was sure because that meant I would be without. I told her it was okay because I didn’t want him to have to sit there. She took it, tapped up the box and rewrapped my gift. Then, she called him to the front of the class and said that she had found another gift and it was his. This kid acted like Santa himself handed him that gift. I wanted so bad for everyone to know I did that but at the same time - I didn’t. I’m glad they didn’t. I couldn’t handle the accolades.

That’s me - I desire to win but I don’t want the trophy that goes along with it - but really I do. I’ll accept it but it brings me guilt.

I want you to see me - but I feel uncomfortable with you looking at me. I want to say something but I’d rather type it. I want to be heard - but would rather you hear it telepathically. I want you to know I’m there even though I’m invisible.

I’ve always said that if I won the lottery I wouldn’t change my lifestyle. I would show up in various places to secretly change someone’s life. I’m addicted to the connection because I want to anonymously change things without anyone knowing it was me.