We are doing some land-based learning today for work. For the rest of the week, actually. I don’t know what we have in store today, but I do know a bit about what we are learning throughout the next couple of months. Trapping, snaring, skinning, tanning hides, processing the meat, etc. Very not vegan of me. I lose my V-card today. We will also be building a tipi, potentially a sweat lodge. This is the knowledge and skills we want to pass on to the next generation. The directive of my program is to reclaim the indian of the youth we serve.
I’m just dreading it today. I’m too prissy for this, but I’ll be a trooper. Deep down, I know this is because it disrupts my rigid routines. My mind just wants me to sit in the office.
I volunteered at the shelter again yesterday. Joined them on a walk to feed the houseless. My nerves were a lot calmer this time around. However, the workers were talking about them getting mugged at knifepoint recently. Getting jumped while on walks. We encountered a woman who had been beaten up. She was attacked by a machete. The same attackers who killed someone across the street from my work last week. Do I have what it takes to be a frontline worker?
My mind and body are about to go through it, man. I started my super restrictive diet. 5-6 weeks of it. I’m trying to combat candida. I am irritable, so my mind jumps to my roommate. She is in close proximity. So I get to sit here and just hate on her internally. She gives me plenty of reason to do so. It took four years for me to realize that she is toxic. Just saying that word, toxic, changes the narrative in my head. This is all reminding me a bit about Hope. An old friend who is an actual narcissist. She was extremely toxic. As I was I was typing about a sweat lodge, I remember my roommate scoffing about it. I mentioned a naming ceremony the other day, and she responded like it was the dumbest thing she had ever heard. Of course, we all know, when she doesn’t understand something, it means that it is stupid and not her. But it is her. She is functionally retarded. You will never understand anything deeper than you understand yourself. She has no self-awareness or introspection. She is painfully shallow. Her low empathy makes her unable to connect to people. Thus, she is hypercritical of everything and everyone. That’s how she tries to connect to people.
I need to vent about it before I head out there. I’ll be outside all day in the heat. Gotta mentally prepare myself for it. This negative energy, I can’t. I hate it.
I’ll go finish with my plants on the balcony that I bought yesterday. Do a smudge and then head out. Ugh. So cranky.
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