Life Hacks For Degenerates in anticlimatic

The next time you approach a busy line anywhere, say a gas station or bank, and find yourself dealing with the specific layout where the two people at the front of the line are clearly in line, but then the next 4 people are standing around like derelict bison with their arms folded staring off, or up, or talking to each other, and not really making it clear whether or not they are also participating in this line- try this hack:

Just walk through them and stand in line behind the second person in line, proportionate to the first, in a nice neat uniform formation the way God Intended. So far 0 out of 3 times I have tried this in the last month, not one person has tried telling me “hey!” they “were in line!,” which is unfortunate because “could have fooled me” has been rotting away in the chamber of my pistol just begging for use, but I suppose it’s better to avoid bloodshed.

We have a treatment facility in the middle of town that serves alcoholics and other addicts. I can’t stand the place. They bring in these degenerates from the Detroit area, treat them for a while, then just turn them loose into the town to relapse, rob everyone they know, and go back to prison. I’ve been burglarized twice by people in that program. Both times for quick drug money. Both times my stuff was mostly recovered.

There was one instance I’ll never forget. I was 23 and around 9:00 PM I swung by my girlfriend’s house, and she opened the door- piss drunk, and just said “I think I messed up....” and when I went to hug her she whispered in my ear “…they won’t leave.”

I look past her, and two men are in her apartment. We worked at a cafe together, so addicts in treatment were always binging on the coffee and loitering around and bumming smokes and just hanging out- and my girlfriend was a pushover, completely, and had managed to get herself followed home by two of them and then somehow became the only one almost black out drunk.

I walked her through her living room and asked them to leave. They told me she said they could stay, I debated arguing but took her back to her bedroom instead and got her in bed. Closed the door, came back out, grabbed a folding chair, and parked it in the hallway between the living room and her bedroom and sat down like a sentry.

I asked them if they had any weed to smoke, and encouraged them to get it out. I was friendly with them. Respectful even. I think it’s important to keep oral channels impartial and full of exit strategies for everyone involved. Options for saving face can neutralize a situation that could otherwise go bad.

I wanted to keep a friendly dialogue going, because the subtext of the situation was anything but friendly. What I was actually trying to tell them was that I would be sitting between them and my partner and staring at them until they elected to take the easy exit and find something less stressful to do. Which they did, after about 15 minutes.

Neither of them could look me in the eye. This is another tell that someone might be winding up to try stealing from you, or taking advantage of you. I don’t know the direct connection, but it’s developed into a serious Red Flag with me, anytime I encounter someone who can’t meet my gaze, my potential trust in them falls off a cliff.

It’s like they feel preemptively guilty, and can’t look at their own shame in the eyes of people they seek to victimize.

Or maybe I’m just a dick.