So, I will admit- going into the weekend is always difficult for me to remain sober. This problem is elevated going into a three day weekend. Ironically, when I was struggling mightily with lines, it was easy to tell my brain to shut the fuck up: We have to memorize approximately 134 lines (no specific word count is available; the 134 number simply denotes how many times the character speaks in the play. Thus counting lines as short as “Beatrice” and as long as the speech that I have almost mastered in Act 2, Scene 3.) And the more confident I become in that memorization, the weaker the argument of “Shut up! Trying to preserve my brain for purposes of memorization.” Then we can turn to the interestingly combative opposed statements. On one hand, march forth in sobriety that you might see the expanse of your waist diminish and hopefully in such a way as to be pleasing to your intended, should she exist or present herself. Yet, evermore, on the other hand, sobriety may yet prevent you from occupying the spaces in which to find one such intended, or to even confirm her existence if she be real at all. And so my brain maintains its steadfast resolve but with a knowing eye as to the cracks in the foundation. So I turn my attentions at work towards this week’s Iowa Supreme Court Criminal Opinion that was published. An OWI matter involving a 50 year old woman. And bizarrely, as I read the opinion (first of the Appellate Court then of the Supreme Court), my brain created competing consciences again. On the one hand: OWI strikes me as the most easily avoidable crime in our Code. If one chooses to drink in public, do so in such a way as to master yourself or have the wherewithal to acknowledge your impediment and seek aid. Or if one wishes to drink to such a fashion that inebriation would impair driving; drinking at home is always an option. Indeed, too many consider the concept of “House Party” to be gauche after college age; but an adult drinking at home and inviting friends can be appropriate and proper. Bring the drinks you wish to consume in the quantities you wish to consume; share if you desire, or don’t if you do not. As a house, the owner may (and frankly should) offer to board anyone who becomes too inebriated to drive home or to employ a sober individual in the party to act as driver for those who otherwise are not safe to drive. The resolution of this matter is simple, yet we must deal with the facts as established. Woman, driving erratically, stopped by police. Now we have hearings. AND YET as my brain turned over the scenario that would have thus prevented detention and incarceration; my brain began to whisper the ease of engaging in that very scenario this evening or this weekend. Simply purchase, plop in front of screens, drink and play video games and watch Anime. It won’t help with line work, it won’t get anything in the house done, it won’t count as cleaning… but it provides a thorough escape from HERE AND NOW and UPSETTING REALITY. To enhance the “humor” of these thoughts, my local convenience store (of which I am a rewards member) just sent me an e-mail inviting me to try their weekend special: Blueberry Vodka 15% off all weekend.
Now, as this matter is important to me, I don’t see myself falling off the wagon (to use the parlance). I suppose I could count sobriety from “when I started due to the Gout” but the truth is, I did have alcohol on my birthday, so I should start counting from that date. In which, I have remained sober for a mere 20 days. As I intend no alcohol until after the show is concluded (if then) that means I have 31 days remaining. Truly, I do not consider this to be difficult exactly. But it is interesting how much the “you may have down time in the next few days… are you sure you want to experience that sober?” plays in my head!
(The image does not give proper credit but the quote is from OTHELLO Act 2, Scene 3)
As rather a follow up thought to Entry 149, I’ve been reading into Anxious/Avoidant Push/Pull and Boundaries (still/again) and man I knew it before but it now seems so obvious! Nancy with the almost constant push until I set a boundary with action and then she felt like she was being punished because I’d been without boundaries for so many years and years. And then, what I was reading, directly stated “Until the day the Avoidant experiences wanting to reach out or to connect and discovers the Anxious is no longer there for that connection” and.... I remember the day that happened with Nancy. When she literally said, “Now I understand what you must have been feeling for all of those years.” Yeah.
But that’s the other funny thing about our modern world. I’m not saying I’m 100% healed. I’m not saying I’ve done all of the emotional work I need to in this life. But I am saying that I am starting to believe some of the women therapists on social media that say, “Women keep saying that men should go to therapy and work on themselves; but too many women aren’t actually ready to deal with a man that has. Because a man that has healed and worked on himself won’t entertain games. You communicate and you respect his emotional process; or you don’t. Because a man that has healed and worked on himself after pain and loss won’t entertain trying to tear down his boundaries. Because a man that has healed and worked on himself after trauma understands that being disrespectful of his boundaries isn’t just a Red Flag, it is a deal breaker. Because a man that has healed, worked through therapy, and is self aware isn’t amused at your jokes regarding rosters or hall passes or options. He is of the opinion that you can select him and that’s great; or you can remind him that you have plenty of options, and he can move on.” And I think there’s some power in that perspective. That YES men need therapy and we all need to tear down this bullshit expectation that men don’t want/need non-sexual touch.... that men shouldn’t communicate their feelings… that men shouldn’t be vulnerable. BUT IT ISN’T ENOUGH TO JUST FIGHT TOXIC MASCULINITY IN MEN. We need women (and NBs) to grow and heal as well so that they can accept men that are communicating emotions, attempting to be vulnerable. And most importantly… if you’re demanding a man who is healed and self-aware… you need to spend some of that focus on yourself, as well. If a man with therapy and gentleness did show up for you; are you in a place where you can handle that? What kind of healing might you need to address as we all try to build Secure Attachment and Healthy Relationships?
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