....and I’m afraid, it’s not good.
I am finding myself not eating right lately - and it’s more so out of emotional issues. I’m noticing an extra amount of procrastinating too and it’s like I’m locked into not caring. I have several items past their deadlines and it’s like I don’t even care if they are accomplished but needs to be done. However, in the past in times like these my world would implode and crumble and I would get a rush of adrenaline trying to fix it.
Am I addicted to chaos or is it adaptive hypervigilance? I would argue no but it feels like I am. It doesn’t surprise me since I grew up around it happening constantly. I wouldn’t know how to live without something looming over me, pushing me to find a solution to a problem. At the same time I can become annoyed or bothered by it so there’s always this conflict. Inside I am craving chaos but will be edgy with anyone close to me that swears I’m in a bad mood. I’m really not - I am just trying to fix all the problems my procrastinating created and I want to accomplish them solo. I’ve always considered therapy of some sort but feared judgment.
However, journaling has been very helpful. My creativity seems to be increasing more. I’m able to put my feelings here in an unknown space but sometimes I feel like I’m craving the feedback more than I should. Maybe it’s the desire for a deeper connection than I can consciously achieve elsewhere. I don’t feel threatened by strangers offering their words or ideas of what they are reading. Yet, at the same time as I feel that I’m being open enough to get to know - the well stops getting deeper and I revert back to the pseudo persona that keeps anyone from knowing the real me.
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