What am I paying for? in Journal

Has been a particularly harrowing question for me.

That reading I did a bit ago. I got a recording of it. I watched it again. I’m so stuck by the … The sheer depth of challenge that it reveals about my life. Planets in the most challenged aspects. Wounds. Pain. Evil. Suffering. Squares. Lots of squares.
This is really challenges aspect for you
This can feel like a conflict
Your sense of self worth is really diminished

Sheesh. I remember awhile ago, it was probably at least 10 years ago, I looked at my birth chart. I was sort of like- so discouraged that I just threw it out. Why would I want to look at bad news after bad news after bad news?

Even this time, when I got this reading done… I asked the lady- I was like… So, why am I going through this? Can you tell from the chart?
She just said that I’m here to break that cycle. And she gave me some dates about what would feel different for me.
But I was like, yeah but that already happened. And that already happened, too. And so did that.
And then I got to thinking.

Did it happen? Or… Did I just sense that it would happen, and moved accordingly?
It’s so hard to tell.
You know, how do you know if there would have been a big messy traffic accident if you hadn’t had that premonition and stopped at the signal extra early? You don’t… Not really. But there is a quality of energy around the situation.
And if you build up enough of these situations in your life, the behind to be a quality of energy around your person. Perhaps, around your entire timeline. Perhaps, you might even receive yourself communicating through time in some instances.

There is also a seemingly magical ability I have to… Just change stuff. Like… Lol. I made my fingers longer. I did. I hated my hands and I wanted them different. You don’t really have to look at yourself too much, right? But your hands… We see our hands all the time. And I didn’t want to stare at ugly hands.
That was the first thing I did that was real, for me. It was the first thing that really had that energy quality that reminds me of seeing through time. I have just… countless stories about changing stuff. Most of it is little stuff. But there are a few really, really big things too. Things that “should” not be possible… In the normie state of mind, anyways.

Yeah I guess I’m wondering if the ability to just change stuff comes with being in a kind of crucible, just intrinsically? Idk that much about human design or whatever.

Have you ever changed something?