The world is burning
And yet we do what we can
As the flames devour
Well, starting the day by writing a depressing as fuck Haiku seems… off brand for me! But the mix of creativity, depressing imagery, a frustration at events, and a fruitless desire to do more.... seems like a damned accurate way of stating where I am.
Today men will vote
To rob the poor of healthcare
The rich benefit
or
Iowa has none
Mental healthcare is needed
Iowa has none
And that’s just.... the big societal issues (and not even scratching the surface at that!) I honestly do not know if I am emotionally capable of turning that Depressing Haiku energy onto my own personal life!
A decade has passed
Is it better alone now
Your fear has come true
An empty house rests
No others to fill the halls
No laughter or love
Pain comes to others
How responsible am I
Am I the true cause
I awoke today and realized that in my doing what was scheduled I forgot to prepare my Oats for the day. Damn. I got dressed… my suitcoat looks like what a car salesman of the early 1980s would wear but I have truly no fucks to give as to my attire on a day like today. I get to the office and discover that the work I had assumed would take 68 minutes only took 18 minutes. I review my lines in my head and my schedule for the day. Hearing at 9:30, Trial at 10:30, Hearing at 1:30, Hearing at 2:15. Then make sure things are prepared for two weeks from now, turn your eye to e-mail catch up, and see how much of the work day remains. Schedule out this weekend as best you can, keeping in mind that it is a 3 day weekend so you must decide how much time, if any, you will spend in the office on Monday. Then tonight after work is rehearsal, then dog exercise, cleaning, paying bills, and more script work!
It’s funny. I don’t spend a lot of time in my head regarding my last relationship; which suggests that I am still working through things from my marriage (and possibly the COVID Situationship). Which makes sense but does not belittle things with Hermia. As I was working on my script last night, it came to me how much different this process would be were we still together. And how it would straight ruin the experience for me. Regardless of my role, I would be expected to be the assistant and aid to her and her child. I would be told outright that I was not permitted to kiss Beatrice despite the script calling for it. Worse yet, I can easily anticipate that if I got Benedick and she did not get Beatrice, she would throw a fit and either demand I get her cast as Beatrice or that I reject the role as Benedick. So truly, I accept that I am much better off and considerably happier for no longer being in a relationship where things were so… openly volatile, toxic, and unhealthy. But that whole thing, too, fills a bizarre area of my mind. Because it absolutely counts as a relationship and I would never argue otherwise. But it so thoroughly bypassed one of my biggest hanging issues from the marriage that in that unique and isolated way my brain gives the relationship less credence in memory. And I say that, I think, not from a place of vanity so much as from a place needing to be healed. A healing that, in truth, is not coming from the last several months. It sounds so ridiculous and unimportant as to make me feel slightly embarrassed to even utter it but… the marriage made me feel thoroughly unworthy of physical touch, so fat and unattractive to my wife that she would go years without touching me and get absolutely shitfaced to make the slightest effort otherwise. And while the POLY-quandary did finally provide me the sexual experience and exploration I had so long desired; considering the personalities and the peculiarities of the situation, it did not quite answer the pain as the situations seemed either born of pity, fear, or convenience. And while Hermia had specifically stated that she wished our sex life were so frequent I would never need turn to onanism again; I hope it is not too terribly offensive to say that the relationship there didn’t exactly redress the pain or the issue in such a fashion that it would prevent the wound from throbbing in the current hour.
And then, truly, to have personal pain of the “relationship or frivolous nature” in the midst of the world as it is, the state as it is, and my job as it is… seems ever more trivial. To the Country? What more is there to say? What more can there be said? Were the current age wrapped in intrigue or secrecy, perhaps, writing about it would shed light and be of value. But we are dealing with idiots who lack nuance in as great a force as they lack intelligence or morals. SLASH Medicare and Medicaid and SNAP and USAID and Education and Cancer Research and slash and slash and slash and slash for all the things that help The Common American Citizen all in an effort to make sure we don’t tax the richest people in this country. A less than 1% tax increase on the wealthiest 5% and the staffing at IRS to enforce it could fucking cure homelessness. We have some of the LOWEST individual tax rates for the wealthy in the history of our country and it still isn’t enough… and we have to actively hurt people to give them more. EVERY American should rage at this as utter bullshit. To reference the most bizarre element from yesterday… in order to push this bill? TANNING BEDS trigger a refund but if the bill passes RURAL HOSPITALS across the country will shut down!! So… if you have a cancer causing vanity tech luxury… you should get money back from the government! But if you live in an area with less than 100,000 people… you don’t really need access to healthcare! It’s.... insane and offensive.
Meanwhile, the lack of Mental Health Access and the lack of Housing Help for the underprivileged means… the genuinely crazy lady who breaks out into fisticuffs if the voices in her head suggest a random stranger exists in her plane of view? KEEPS GETTING ARRESTED for Trespass because the Jails won’t hold her (she’s too violent and crazy) but we still need to prosecute her on her violent and destructive criminal issues (schedules pending) but as she’s out, she keeps sleeping in Hotel Lobbies and Restaurant Lobbies and any business where she can walk in after 9 pm.... and then refuses to leave, tries to fight anybody/everybody and has to get arrested so that she isn’t causing any further disturbances. Now, I sincerely do not like this woman. She is violent, unnecessarily hostile, and I’m not exactly a fan of random violence against people for no reason. BUT my emotions on the situation at large are more complicated because… she SHOULD be getting mental health support. She SHOULD be getting housing assistance. This is a woman that CANNOT function on her own and lacks the insight to get the help she needs. Repeatedly arresting her, setting her for trial, then releasing her to continue the cycle over and over and over and over.... it doesn’t help HER, it doesn’t help the STATE, it isn’t an efficient use of TAXPAYER dollars.... it is just… it is the most expensive, least effective, least efficient, most roundabout and unkind way of dealing with the issue. And this is.... par for the course around here. So, while the police are considered evil and while I am considered evil… the great evil is that our legislatures continue to favor business interests over individual interests and will therefore do whatever they want as long as wealth flows to their business donors and that the people in Iowa (generally) are screwed.
So into that tapestry, it feels… shallow to be unhappy that I can’t fathom even the merest chance that a miracle may spontaneously occur that changes my personal situation. And even into that, my brain streams the many reasons to pay it no heed. I am very much in the throes of Much Ado About Nothing in a role so dear to my heart that I honestly cannot imagine any role being of more importance to me. I am spending my time rehearsing, contemplating the show, and working on line memorization. When I am not otherwise engaged in that, I have my very Full Time Job which is no small distraction or burden on my time. And should I find myself listing still, I have the dog and my health and my house to occupy my priorities. And even still should I have need, there are my video games and my anime and my tv shows and my movies and my books… the entertainment that has piled up into quite the potentially time consuming Pile of Shame. And yet through all of that, every 1980s and 1990s piece of media shines through my brain reminding me of the message of EVERY media of that time: Stop focusing on distractions and give your attention, love, and time to FAMILY. I do not have one. If I attempt to force my focus into all things besides family, you shall pardon me. And it is merely that constant “Where are your priorities?” background hum that breaks through my reasoned and logical arguments. I am permitted to focus on everything besides family as a man that has none. And yet the training and the dreams and the hope and the media shine through nonetheless. YOUR PRIORITIES SHOULD BE ON YOUR FAMILY AND IF YOU DO NOT HAVE ONE; YOUR PRIORITIES SHOULD BE ON FINDING ONE, MAKING ONE, OR BUILDING ONE! Well… you will pardon me
I suppose with that I shall leave this. If rehearsal is fascinating enough, I may either create a new entry or amend this one. I do hope rehearsal goes well. As I go over lines in my head, I am to that place where I know I know the lines but if I get a word wrong or forget a single word, it breaks up the rhythm for how the speech should sound so then I suddenly forget everything! SO… we’ll see how things go!
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