So last night, he called saying that he was out of gas and was going to sleep by the side of the road. I ask him if he needs me to bring gas. It was very cold/rainy last night. He declines. He then texts saying he’s going to jail for a DUI. I’m absolutely coming out of my skin. Then a few minutes pass and he says that the cops are mad but he’s staying next to a bar for the night. My daughter and I go to bed. I wake up at 1:30am to go pee and he tells me that the cops brought him home. I’m like okay cool I’m going back to sleep.
I wake up this morning to like 7 missed calls from him and both my friend and BD’s ex had messaged me the same screenshot of BD posting on a free website stating that he’s homeless again and is asking for help. I would bet anything that he thought the judge was just going to hand him custody yesterday so that he could extend his time where he’s living. I have no doubt that he was sitting in that court room hoping this was gonna go a whole nothing way which would be 100% to his benefit. Does this sick fuck realize I’ve had this child since the day she was born while he was out living his best life?!
How do you sit in a court room knowing you aren’t there for your child, you are there to gain access to help you have a place to live?! He knew for the past 6 months that he wasn’t able to stay there permanently and the smart thing would have been to save up for a place to live! The problem is, he’s always had a free ride and can’t wrap his head around the realization that he’s going to have to become an adult with bills! I don’t have an ounce of sympathy because my daughter is almost 8 and he’s NEVER had any kind of stability!
He messaged me after court saying that it was pretty much a waste of time and told me yet again that he got a second job and will be starting on Friday. Well, with him supposedly working 2 jobs, how does he plan to have time for his child? If he would have made better choices even in the past couple of years, he wouldn’t have to consider 2 jobs! I’ve also been lied to enough time about him working 2 jobs that I’ll believe it when I see it. I don’t ask anything about it because it just leads to a really shitty conversation and that I’m a gold digger and blah blah blah so I know better.
I worked for a little while today and then my boyfriend called to say that the engine locked up and it would be a lot of money to fix it and would actually be cheaper to just replace it. Well, the dealership isn’t going to want it as it’s not worth anything and I have no idea what the answer is. I am honestly thinking this is the best thing that could have happened and is probably going to be the best thing for him. I feel that he took advantage of his bike and how he’s paying for it. I feel bad because his bike is his everything and makes him feel alive but I also worry that someday it’s going to be the cause of his life ending.
Life is just so crazy and sometimes I struggle to just sit down and breathe. I’m upset that my boyfriend doesn’t treat me a good as he once did, I’m upset that my BD is a POS and I’ll have to share my child with him and have to wonder when he’ll become abusive again, I’m upset that my family doesn’t care about us, I’m upset that I’m overweight and I can’t afford healthy foods and don’t have a lot of time to try and be more active. There’s just so much to stress about and I wonder when I’m going to reach my breaking point.
Even with a child and a boyfriend, I still feel very lonely. I just feel incomplete. I am very happy with my daughter but I know that I don’t get what I need from my boyfriend. I know him not working right now definitely plays a part in his behavior but I want him to just get a regular job and we have more money. I don’t make a lot and neither does he. It’s very harboring. I hate this shit.
As of right now, I’m not super worried about the next court date. I know that I plan to print out screenshots to prove some abuse, different times I had asked him to be a parent, and times where he’s claiming to be homeless but I think overall I’m going to give this to God and hope that he provides. I’m not a super religious person but I do believe in God and I know he’s going to help and I just want to be okay with the outcome. I know that he won’t get custody but I just pray that things do go in the best interest of my child.
I know as it gets closer to the court date, I’m going to be absolutely sick but for now I’m going to stay positive and gather up the screenshots I feel with help me in court and have them printed out. I try to think about how he does take her to get pizza/ice cream, he buys her stuff and overall is pretty good to her but I also think about how he says whatever possible to turn her against me and step Dad and how he can’t take care of her. He can’t even take care of himself. I don’t feel bad for him, I feel bad for my daughter.
It helps me to know that this is probably not going to go the way either one of us want. The outcome I would be happy with is for me to have all custody and give him reasonable visitation because that means I am responsible for all decisions and moving would be easier. He’s never wanted to be a Dad, be responsible, or even be consistent and I don’t see that changing with a court order. I still see him being no different than he has for almost 8 years now. I know that he wants to have more say in things but he’s only worried about his image and getting what he can out of this for himself.
I drove to court yesterday and I had decided that even if he were to say anything negative, I would turn it into a positive. I know that he’s going to talk about how he’s been kept from his child and I plan to speak on that and explain why. The only way to make his abuse stop was to cut contact. I never wanted to shut him out of his daughter’s life but he couldn’t stop himself from being emotionally abusive. I’m only human and have my limits and I plan to bring proof of his abuse with me. For every reaction, there’s a reaction. You don’t get to talk to people however you want and think there won’t be consequences.
Anyways, more later.
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