So I’ve woken up with one helluva stomach ache. I don’t know if it’s because I ate junk before bed or my nerves are fucking shot. We have both court dates today and I honestly can’t wait to get them both over with.
I think I’ll talk about mine first because it’s more important. He messaged last night saying he got a second job and starts Friday. He’s told on himself by saying there’s a curfew of a 11pm where he’s currently staying and that he’ll be going to a friends house. He wants to protect his bar time. I don’t know how or when he plans to see his child.
So again, I plan to play it cool super cool in the court room and just stick to the facts and present day. I just wish I knew what would be relevant and what isn’t. This guy has done nothing but antagonize me, threaten me, call me names, and just be awful all along and now I have to share my child with.
I do worry that he won’t even show up because then it will just be continued. So then not only is he wasting my time, but the courts time as well. I honestly feel that he just wants a court order so he can always have that open door he’s always wanted to keep breezing in and out of her life and try and torture me. I am so glad that I set the boundary that we can only speak through an app because that’s all recorded.
All of this just makes me so angry and hurt. He wants her now that I’ve done all the fucking work. I did all the sleepless nights, the teething, the potty training all while he’s living for free, working under the table, playing video games, and living at the bar. I seriously think all the of this is a fucking joke.
I haven’t heard from him since yesterday when he informed me of the magical second job. I also think it’s bullshit that I am responsible for having a sitter when this was his deal. He hasn’t messaged to ask if someone is able to watch her either. He said the other day that he had asked his Mom and a friend but didn’t sound like anyone could help.
Oh and his income tax that he asked me about? The state took it. I was filling out my self-employment ledger yesterday and needed to check the CS website to get the dates for when he’s made his payments for the month and I see there’s $894 on there. I about died thinking I was going to get that but it went to the state because I was on TANF awhile ago. There’s still over a grand owed to them. I thought they’d do what they did before and take a payment and give me the rest but since he’s consistently paying, they took it all. I would rather get a payment ever 2 weeks then a lump sum and not know when I’ll get more.
I was originally pretty pissed about this but I also know that there’s millions of dollars owed to TANF that they never recover. I’m getting CS and TANF is a loan. It’s to help other Mom’s that need it. I also am very appreciative that my daughter is school aged and I’m able to work and the CS is a help. I was so mad but then I realized I was being greedy because he still owes me so much money. If he was caught up, he would have received it. If I would have had the support I needed all along, I would have never had to be on TANF so he fucked us both.
This deal of having to go deal with a protection order is just ridiculous. We don’t even know where my Mom or my little brother live and my boyfriend has had zero contact with them since the incident happened. When I talked to my Mother the other day she said my little brother is still worried that my boyfriend could see him somewhere and do something. She said she’d ask him to just not show up and it would get dropped. I don’t see that happening because they all feed off drama and hatred. I have never known any of them to ever let anything go. If they do wrong, you aren’t even to speak on it but if they feel someone has done shit to them, they will go to the ends of the Earth to get you back.
I am still very pissed that my Mom lied about certain parts of this story. She said that my boyfriend was there for 20-30 minutes beating on my brother and hit him at least 30 times. I have my boyfriend on a tracking app and he was there for 9 minutes. She told me this story as well as my best friend and my brother. She said what she could to get everyone fired up and make it worse than it actually was. She also said my boyfriend threatened her and he didn’t say anything to her whatsoever. Not a fucking word. She’s a fucking liar and a trouble maker and always has been. She helped my little brother fill out the paperwork for the protection order as well. She’s done what she could to help him lie.
All I know is I can’t wait for the day when we are packed and hitting the interstate. I would be so happy to never see any of these people again. There’s never been a time in my entire life that they have ever handled things the right way. With maturity and heart for anyone else. All I have ever seen is them mishandling every situation. She also promised us both money and didn’t give any out. I asked what she gave my older brother and she straight up told me she didn’t want to say. Then goes on to say how he hauled her furniture and had to make 2 trips. Uh okay and I helped sell all her shit on Facebook and deal with stupid/rude fucking people! I gave up several days of work to help clean, move stuff and have a rummage sale. My boyfriend took 2 loads of their garbage to the fucking dump, helped move furniture, helped organize and put on a rummage sale.
I just don’t like how we get along for awhile and then it goes to shit and when things go bad, it’s really bad. Then, they’ll go long periods of time without contact and as soon as they make contact, I’m just to forget how they’ve treated me and be so happy to hear from them. Oh and not bring up anything they’ve done to upset me and then abandon me. It’s been this exact thing my whole life and it’s just not healthy. I also don’t like how if we aren’t on good terms, she won’t even respond to my daughter’s messages. My daughter is 7 and has no idea that she has to be ignored because adults can’t regulate themselves.
My Mom has always been pretty immature and LOVES when there’s some type of conflict or drama. She’s in her 60’s. Grow up. I remember when my daughter was little and she came over and stole my diabetic medication and told me to kiss her ass. I remember when they’d pawn my shit and she’d rudely call and tell me that they did. I remember all the time she chose EVERYONE over me. I remember when I went to the nut barn at 16 because my Dad molested me and her telling them that it wasn’t true and I was just being vindictive even after we had found porn on the computer and pictures he’d printed out.
I’ve always been treated different. Probably because I would stand up for myself. I was also the whistleblower every time CPS showed up. I was the one that called them almost every fucking time. I was the one that called the FBI when I found child porn on my Dad’s computer and he got rid of it before they were able to find it and bring him up on charges. There’s a lot of layers to my family and why I feel the way I do.
Then my friend. She still thinks that I need to keep an open heart and shit. Um, no. I’ve given these people so many chances and all they’ve done is take advantage of it. I just want to be done with them and I will be changing my phone number at some point because it would be better for my mental health to never have contact again.
I know that they want to believe that it’s my boyfriend and I feel the way I do because of him. I have felt like this LONG before him and I ever met. They have to put the blame on him instead of thinking how they’ve treated me or my kid. None of them ever cared about me and still don’t. My Mom didn’t give me money that was promised and I even told her that she knew our financial situation. She doesn’t care. I have to be punished for someone else and I wasn’t even fucking there! I was at home with my daughter!
It was just her out to not give us any money and that’s okay because if she were to ever reach me for help, I’m going to tell her that she needs to call my brother and ask him since he got money, he’s more obligated to help then I am. I also think it’s fucked that my brother got money from both of them. The $500 he got from my Dad apparently my Dad wanted it back and my Dad has never done a fucking thing for my brother, or any of us. All of them are just so fucked up and the greed is just insane.
So we have the protection order thing in about an hour and then mine is later this afternoon. I’m honestly worried that he’s not going to show up and then I’ll just be in limbo until another fucking court date. I will ask what’s going to happen if he doesn’t show up to the next one. I just don’t want my life choices being based on someone’s need for control.
My boyfriend did tell me last night that he’s not going anywhere without me and as long as we are together, he is going to stay with me. I’m just insecure about him moving without us. I know that he won’t but I also know that he ain’t happy here. I know I’m not but we gotta get all this situated first. We also need to get our financial stuff in order. We are so far from where we need to be and I’d rather stay here and get everything where it needs to be instead of moving somewhere else and struggling.
I just hate all this. I honestly want to cry or just break something. I feel like there’s pins and needles stabbing me all over my body. I’m going to shower and worry that I won’t feel clean and good.
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