Everything is a fucking issue and I’m tired of it. Last night, I was informed that he will be doing whatever he wants from now on and not feel guilty about it. Uh okay. I tell him to go damn near every time he says he’s wanting to go out. My question is why be with someone if all you wanna do is be single? I just told him a few minutes ago that he’s free to do whatever he wants, when he wants, with whoever he wants. I believe in letting people do what they wanna do because it shows you what they would rather do.
Kid’s Dad is to have her tonight and if that’s the case, I’m going outside. I’m not going to worry about anyone else anymore. I’m also going to start doing more of my own thing and from now on when he wants to call me away from work because he’s bored and going ‘stir crazy’ I’m going to let him know that I have to stay at work. I have more than enough bills and I want to be able to pay them and have extra. I’m now in debt because of him and he doesn’t have the money to help me so I need to help myself.
All I know is since I’ve gone back to doing everything by myself than I’d like to be by myself. There’s no fucking reason for me to live like this. I just don’t understand the cake and eat it too mentality. I can say that I don’t take prisoners and I’m no gatekeeper. If people don’t want to be around me, they don’t have to be. I’ll find my own stuff to do just like I’ve done my whole life. I know that he’s hoping to hurt me but I’ve listening to him be hurtful for months now and it doesn’t do what he wants.
I honestly feel like he’s using me to get himself in a good spot to leave. I’ve spent enough money helping him and I’m not going to be further in debt helping anymore. You can’t give someone more of what they already don’t appreciate. I’ve done more than I ever should have and I refuse to keep doing it. I have a child and myself to worry about.
The biggest mistake I’ve ever made was moving in with him. Now, I have no way out. I did talk to my kid’s counselor the other day and told her what’s going on and she said she was going to send a referral to a caseworker and I’m praying to God that someone is going to be able to get me out of here. I honestly feel that my ‘home’ is a man made hell. I can honestly say I’m not happy here.
It’s like he has to force himself to be affectionate, to want to spend time with me, or even say anything nice. I don’t remember the last time he called me beautiful but he has called me a bitch several times. For a man that’s been married and several long term relationships, he still doesn’t get how a relationship works. A little bit of affection and even saying something nice sometimes would go a really long way. He told me this morning that he always feels guilty when he goes out and now he won’t. Cool, ya should’ve stayed single.
Again, I do understand that he’s 11 years older than me and has raised his kids but my issue is don’t get with a single Mom of a small child! If you don’t want to be a Dad, don’t do Dad shit! He feels that he’s playing second fiddle to her real Dad but again, we have court this week and I’m trying to do the best I can for my child. I want to look as good as I can in court. He doesn’t seem to get that because apparently he spent thousands in court to be able to see his kid and says how this isn’t a big deal. Well, I’ve never been through it and it’s a big deal to me.
Anyways, I am gonna go dry my hair and see where the day goes. I’m hoping he’ll just leave so I don’t have to be around him.
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