So, despite going to bed to try to sleep at an early hour last night… Nala protested MOST vehemently. She got dog park time on Thursday but no Downstairs time. I had promised her that she would get downstairs time on Friday; and going to bed so early? Well, she didn’t get dog park time, she didn’t get a walk, and what do you mean no Downstairs Time?! So, she was doing a full on “Did you forget?” Like pacing from the bedroom to the stairs. Low howls. Whines. VERY MUCH the child saying “But… you promised!” So… I went downstairs. We had about 2 hours of downstairs time that included going outside the “all terrain way”, her coming back inside using her favorite “jump from the retaining logs into the house” way, and several Fetch/Keep Away runs. As soon as she laid down, I metaphorically pounced on “Go night night time?!” and got us back upstairs.
Still woke up around 5 am. Which is when Nala figured “Okay. I’m going to go sleep on the couch now. K thanks!” I was having a hard time going back to sleep and picked up my phone. I know… that’s the wrong answer on every level. Cruised the Dating Apps, Cruised TikTok, checked Prosebox, checked Facebook, checked Instagram, checked Pintrest, checked SnapChat. Obviously, none of which was good for my mental health. It’s honestly a little wild to be in this position, frequently and repeatedly sending messages out to the void, as instructed, and to simply… constantly sit in the silence. It feels very much like a 21st Century Echo of the lesson of the late 20th Century. Those who do as they are told, those who do as they are supposed to, those who “play the game” as instructed.... don’t actually reap the rewards we were promised. Hell, my perspectives were a strange mashup of Antiquated and Progressive when we were still in the last century. THIS century, as with everything, it all seems more extreme. I can’t tell you how many times I will see on TikTok a woman who states she just wants to find someone “who knows the sidewalk rule, who treats women with respect and acts like a gentleman, who is actually interested in getting to know her”… which… of course… that describes me. There are women in this world advertising that what they want in this world is what I grew up being trained to be. And yet… of course… they aren’t being honest. Or aren’t being forthcoming. Because if you follow those same Content Creators, they will discuss a new date two or three times a week. Cute, buff guy, chiseled jaw line, over 6 feet tall (or claimed to be anyway) but clearly didn’t respect her or wasn’t about commitment or tried to get in her pants too fast or was lying about being married or on and on and on. WHICH MEANS .... either all of this “Men don’t realize how the bar is on the floor!” crap is all lies in an effort to repeatedly trash men for Content Mining; the women who express what they want actively don’t choose their dates based on those expressed desires; or the whole thing is a fucking scam the whole way through. Or variations of all three. Which… again, obviously, none of that is great for my mental health and I know that. But.... shit.
Having a regular DnD game would be a positive change… and the ones in the area are definitely reserved for “those who are already friends, k thnx, bai stranger!”.
Going out socially with people from Shakespeare? Well, not in our current state! Too many people are too wrapped up in whether they have lines or that sort of thing. With the exception of the pre-established clique where, whenever they are in a show together, hang out with each other and only each other and make very little room for any other Troupe member to even approach them out of character.
And work? Well… the friendships there are based on longevity and drinking. I’ve been working there for 3 years. I am one of the three least known people in the office and really.... the only person that they seem to know less is the other larger guy who just went through a divorce. We know he used to work at Tyson, has a Trans Daughter, just got divorced, and was previously in the military. What they know of me is I used to do more work with Juveniles and Sex Crimes, I was once married, just got out of a relationship with a blind girl, and I am often acting in local Live Theater Shows. WHICH… for simple “office” seems like a lot but for “office that goes drinking for three hours a week almost every week” seems… a little more surface?
Which leads me back into the issue sitting out there. I was always one of those “Girlfriend Guys” and, if you’ve been here since before the divorce, you can easily see why. I was raised into the understanding that the ULTIMATE expression of love was to find your partner, get married, have a sexual relationship, have kids, and live as a Family Focused Loving Husband and Father. SO… going after that dream was a priority. Add that to the “Have to make my partner happy, people pleasing, co-dependency, frequently choosing the girl that needed help, assistance, or was not healthy to start with” and..... my time was consumed by Activities and Being a Boyfriend. It’s one of the reasons College was such a challenge for me after I left acting. I went from five years of “almost every day has things going on until 10 pm, weekends are for dating relationships” to… “I… have… time on my hands. And the people I live with… aren’t… exactly good people. So… shit… what do I do?” Thus leading to Nancy and a woman that, despite having already graduated from college, even at the very beginning essentially needed to rely on my help to find her/get her a place to live! YEAH, there are a lot of reasons why I think that if I had a place like Prosebox in 2005, there might have been people who would have said, “Dude… if you, as a 21 year old college student are required to help find a place for your 25 year old college graduate girlfriend to live? That’s a BIG ol’ red flag!” So… my life went from WAY TOO BUSY to WAY TOO BUSY WITH TOXIC and/or ABUSIVE GIRLFRIENDS to SHIT I’M NOT BUSY WHAT DO I DO to Life With Nancy. And life with Nancy was… all about Girlfriend Guy and Building a Life… the activity that I thought I was supposed to/meant to do. Figure out YOUR shit (graduate, get a job, work on getting to law school, work on getting a job, graduate from law school, work on passing the bar, work on getting a job as an attorney). Figure out your SHARED shit (find a place to live, work on relationship, get us back to Iowa as promised, get us to a better town for mutual mental health, work on relationship, find a job that allows Wife to do literally whatever she wants, desperately try to save the marriage). Then.... back to figure out my shit. Make some damned hard decisions about the marriage. Get divorced as Pandemic Lockdowns and life goes absolutely bat shit for everyone in the entire world. So… as life dragged on and lockdowns melted into a strong return to theater and additional moves and.... everything… the “Oh. I still have plenty of time to fill. Over the last 23 years, I’ve dedicated most of my time and energy into dating relationships or my marriage. I don’t like how uncomfortable, lonely, ugly, and unloved this makes me feel.” So enter Hermia. A great way to show me that I still have a LOT of healing to do and a lot of Co-Dependency to resolve and a lot of boundary work to focus on and a LOT of that it is my job to help, to dedicate, etc I still need to work through. Leaving me here at 41 strongly feeling like I’m being just… completely left behind. I’ve wanted and worked towards the “Family Focused Loving Husband and Father” for a total of over thirty years! Thirty years. And on paper I’m further from that goal now than I was when I was 16, than I was when I was 21, than I was when I was 26, than I was when I was 31. I would say 36 was the “furthest” away because divorce plus COVID but… the Victoria/Essen of it all leaves me uncertain how to even address that. Now quickly, yes. I understand that technically all of my experiences SHOULD make me closer because I have more experience, know more, understand myself and my wants and needs better. Thus the difference of on paper versus lived experience. It’s just.... it’s wild to think that I was more able to find a partner at 16 with no money, no job, no education, no experience, relying on my parents for everything… than I am at 41 with a steady income, respectable job, Masters Level Education, owning my own home… just… wild.
Court this morning started an hour late(!) which was a little annoying in irony. I had originally scheduled Nala’s appointment for 9; but moved it when I remembered I had court this morning. If I hadn’t moved it, I could have taken her to the groomers, come back to work, then picked her up after Court was over. As it stands… we did Court, then pick her up and drop her off, then wait to pick her up again. I say wait but I really mean “Start Laundry and begin to obsess over memorizing this damned script!”
I will say today, though, that it isn’t the alcohol my body is saying “reach for” it’s the unhealthy food. My system is like “Don’t you want McDonald’s Breakfast? Or Burger King lunch? Wouldn’t some fried chicken just hit the spot right now? And HEY… you stay in, study your script, and let the pizza come to you! Why not?!” Gr. Baka. NO. I’m giving this bullshit an honest try and I won’t sabotage it through stress eating. But I will remember this. Because all of this “using energy and focus to deprive myself” will be added to the scales when the final decision comes down. WAS there any difference? How much if so? If not:
Funny… as the night drew on, I started craving alcohol and ice cream. Of course… pushing past that.
I spent a full five hours on the script. It’s not enough. I’ll keep pushing but tomorrow is going to be painful.
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