Entry 138: Return to Haunting in Much Ado About Nothing

Today has already started off strangely.
I awoke at 7 am naturally. Rested. I would say that perhaps my body is growing accustomed to 6 to 7 hours of sleep but for the fact that my Gout Foot hurt more this morning. I assume that is merely an indicator that I need to focus more on hydration again. A logical assumption considering my water intake during the day is minimal and the water I drink during rehearsals is being sweated out as I replenish. The morning was acceptable really. Nala wanted to go outside, so I let her enjoy the outdoors until I had to leave.
The TikTok Algorithm this morning was… something else. I engage in political content. I produce political content. I do have Dating App content in my drafts folder but I am not out there pushing Dating App content. But considering everything buys information from everywhere about everyone… TikTok knowing that I have several dating apps downloaded likely influences the algorithm, more fully influenced by me watching videos to conclusion (political and dating app alike). So, this morning started with the ping ponging debate of “Delete Dating Apps. The men who are successful are the ones that are dating multiple women at once; and women get upset with all men because of that” to “You can never give up on Dating Apps. You can never tell when YOUR PERSON is the next swipe”.... which is pretty much how they market GAMBLING so what does that tell you?
Of course, the last video before bringing Nala in and leaving was a woman that (by appearance) could have been anywhere from 21 to 38. And her video:
“So, apparently my primary audience is men over 40 who hate me. And beyond just, good fuck you hate me; I’m stuck on why men over 40 are even using TikTok to begin with?! Like… the man who married my mom was 21 and he helped raise 5 kids that weren’t even his. He’s like, around 43 now and I know for a fact that he has never touched social media once. So, like, what’s up? How do men over 40 even have enough time to use social media unless you’re complete losers.”
My lawyer brain was starting to activate on arguments and objections but I tried to push that away and drive in to work.
Four blocks from the Courthouse, 4 lanes of traffic became ONE lane of traffic due to construction. And that construction stretched for 3 blocks. And of course you have people who see the long line of cars and try to work around it by racing in a soon-to-be closed lane up to where that lane is closed and then just sit there trying to shove into the long line of cars who are waiting. Into that enter the absolute morons. People just LEANING on their horns. As though the reason the line was so long was simply people not going forward. Never mind that the three blocks of construction all have stop lights. Why lay on the horn when genuinely nobody can pull forward? Using the horn to simply indicate your own frustrations at construction is an inappropriate use of the horn.
But I had gotten to the office 14 minutes early which directly translated into me actually getting a parking spot! I get out of my car, walk the block to the Courthouse (foot hurting the whole time), get through security, descend to my basement office, and start working. When I notice an old feeling I’ve not felt in a while.
As I sit here, for no reasons that I can put to words, I feel rage in my chest. Thus why I added the details of my morning that I did. Because I can see several places where I could have/would have been triggered for some situational anger. But this… this is the rage that used to live inside of me. That low hum of rage that built up over several years of struggling with resentment. Best I can figure at this point- that rage is coming from one of three places:
(1) I am in more pain physically than I think and this rage is covering that pain, as it often did throughout my life.
(2) I am building resentments towards the entire social structure of the modern age because men of my age are Only For Working because we’re too old for Dating Apps, too old for Social Media, too old for trivial pursuits; but we’re too young for the Senior Citizen Dating apps, too young for Structured Social Programs, too young to do whatever we want to “capture our youth.”
(3) There is always the possibility that this is the internal strife that comes when getting sober… I have heard of many people who flew into a rage over nothing as they were building their sober life and while I certainly did not consider my previous drinking to qualify for that level of “detox” it, nevertheless, could be what is happening.
..................... or it could just be how I feel coming back to work in THIS place of madness, cruelty, lawlessness, and harm to others.

My morning at work was… typical Tuesday. It’s Data Entry in preparation for the hundred hearings Tuesday Afternoon provides. I also made sure to dedicate some energy to the Wednesday Prep just in case the Oil Change tomorrow morning goes a little long.
If I had to put a label to what my “mental disorder” has been? I would say obsessive thoughts. Because my brain always has a low hum in the background of anxious thoughts regarding topics that matter to me. If I were to reach in and define what those thoughts were, at least this morning:
(1) There’s so much to do and never enough time or energy. I got back from walking the dog last night at 9:30 which gave me over an hour to get things done. All I accomplished was preparing Oats for two meals, publishing on Prosebox, giving Nala her pills, taking my pills, and setting up the CPAP for the night. Which is just… regular every day crap. The projects never seem to actually get WORKED ON thus enhancing my frustration at the projects never seeming to actually get DONE.
(2) If I had friends, family, or a partner that lived in the area; I imagine some projects wouldn’t seem so overwhelming or impossible. I genuinely REQUIRE a connection and concrete sense of TRUST if I am to allow a friend to help with House Projects but… I mean, there’s a reason why I was infinitely more capable when I was married. A sense of trust between us, helping each other out, pushing forward towards a shared goal. The Marriage didn’t work out; but if I was just looking for a roommate, that was a prime scenario! Thing is… I don’t have people I trust like that now. My parents are too far away (and too old) to help with House Project stuff. My brother.... I can’t even get him to come visit me, I’m not going to be able to convince him to come up and help* me. Hell, I can’t even get MBFITWW to visit me here, so that’s out, too.
(3) With that being the case.... and my complete inability to garner any interest in me in any form of dating or friendship avenues… the loneliness issue isn’t merely one of “It’s too bad I don’t have anyone” and becomes a genuine existential crisis. What is it about me that is… so broken? I mean… Nancy had no problem finding multiple options immediately. The criminals I deal with have friends and partners. Wherever I look, it seems that connecting with people is easy. But then when you dig into it? I know in my office there is at least one other person (up to FOUR total) that feel like I do. Is it a matter of age? Is it the profession? We’re guarded due to what we see, so that pushes people away? Or is it more that since we’re the assholes that say, “Don’t break the law” people don’t want to be near us? Am I an ugly person inside and out?

So… there are many ways to interpret all of that. The one I’m using here is “My obsessive thoughts are focused really on one primary issue which can be summarized as Why aren’t I more capable? More capable to take care of things around me, more capable of making friends, more capable of snagging dates or starting a relationship.... Why aren’t I more capable? ” And that’s… the obsessive rolling thoughts in my brain all the time. “Why aren’t I more capable? Why can’t I DO the things I set out for myself? Why can’t I achieve simple goals like finish house or make friends or get a date?!”
So… that’s where I am right now. If anyone is curious.

Over the lunch break, I turned to Psychology Today to see what the Therapists Near Me situation was like. It was abysmal. I specifically remember saying, “When I move to a bigger county, I wont’ need BetterHelp because there will be therapists in person I can see.” Well, that was optimistic and wrong. First: ALL local therapists that are accepting new clients are “Licensed Social Workers”. Not therapists, not psychologists, not psychotherapists.... just.... Bachelor’s Degree having social workers. I apologize for my snobbery but my issues with therapy are typically rooted in the fact that, if I am smarter than the therapist, it doesn’t go well. I don’t need another “therapist” using the same Peer Counseling bullshit I was trained in Pre-Seminary. I can do that for myself, thank you. I don’t necessarily need a doctor of medicine, I don’t need pills prescribed. I need a doctor of therapy, someone that can handle a person who intellectualizes, obsesses, and… I need someone more than just “Technically, determined to be capable and available.” Which feels very much like my whole overarching problem in life. I’ve reached a stage in my existence where “just anything” is no longer acceptable. I need and want something… more. And… that seems to constantly lead to disappointment.
So… I may be re-considering BetterHelp, possibly. Despite honestly really not wanting to. Because what I’m dealing with, I believe, is a direct SYMPTOM of everything going online. So, going ONLINE THERAPY with it just seems… self-defeating. Why the fuck can’t we do ANYTHING in person anymore?!

Unfortunately, I ended my work day feeling ill. Like… head ache, stuffed up, physically weak, stomach hurts. Feeling ill. This is very concerning.

So I went home and just crashed. Set my alarm, apologized to the puppy and just crashed. I actually fell asleep. Couldn’t sleep for long. After 30 minutes, I needed to get going to rehearsal! But… crashed. And when I got to rehearsal? I figured out why. Yeah, hydrate hydrate hydrate. But also? I got a lot of sun and there are a lot of fucking mosquitoes!! I got too much sun and got ate up to shit!

Rehearsal was… good. I’m… still not where I need to be. As an actor or as far as Lines Memorized… but for the first time in a long time (maybe ever).... Shakespeare is focusing on ACTING. I don’t know if it is because the Director knows me/us so much better now, if it is because this story isn’t exactly Textually Complex but… we’re doing some REALLY interesting acting work! And… damn. She got me. People have said that The Book Club Play was some of the best work I ever did. There are lots of reasons for that. Let’s give credit to where it is due. My scene partners? Of the 6 primary actors (of which I was one) we had 1 Director, 1 Award Winning Actor/Director, 1 Award Winning Acting Teacher, and 1 BFA Holder. In other words… of 6 actors, I was number 5 or 6 in “pedigree.” AND there is a lot to be said about that! But also? My character? Uhm… a man who wants people to see him as intelligent and sophisticated who is also hiding a secret that makes it somewhat difficult to be around the people he loves? A man who wants to be seen as a fan of Classic Literature and High Cultural Fair while shitting on things like Twilight? IT WAS LITERALLY A CHARACTER WRITTEN FOR ME (without actually being a character written for me). SO… excellent scene partners and a character that I couldn’t help but see myself in!! Well… Shakespeare Director was paying attention! Cuz… from The Book Club Play? My “best friend” in the show is played by the BFA Holder and my “romantic interest” in the show is played by the Award Winning Acting Teacher…so I’ve got some excellent scene partners right away. But today? The Director spoke to me very clearly in the “Here’s where YOU are in this character!”
She described Benedick as the guy that wants to make things light, wants to get the laugh when he can… takes the opportunity to get people laughing. But during the first wedding scene- we see Benedick as a man being pulled by love and honor. He loves his friend and boss. He loves Beatrice. How does he make the choice between those two? HONOR. And is there more honor in following the Prince and Claudio over something they didn’t deign to tell him about? Or is there more honor in supporting Beatrice and her family? Well… asking me that question personally- there is more honor in supporting Beatrice and her family! Which is the choice Benedick makes. So there we are. How do I find my “backdoor to Benedick?” Well… how many times in these pages have I used the word Honor? Let’s just look to see how many entries have it listed in the contents? APPARENTLY 800 TIMES! So…honor, love, and making people laugh? Yeah. I can get there.

Here’s hoping I knock it out of the park!
Though, coming home? I’m still not feeling 100%. And taking Nala to the dog park? HOLY FUCK! The mosquitoes were bad. Like… a dozen or more on me every second and so bad that they were biting the shit out of Nala’s butt. AND yet she was still an asshole when I was trying to get us to leave after 45 minutes! Silly dog!