I was watching a documentary about a famous person that ultimately took their own life. They had spent a long time with anxiety and panic attacks. This was a slap in my face because I deal with panic attacks. One of the therapists on the show says - panic attacks are the minds way of warning you that you have a repressed memory that is so buried that your body is trying to purge it. I am the first to admit I repress everything.
I don’t have many early memories. Apparently,my mom and I ran from my biological dad somewhere between when I was born and 1 year old. I have no memory of him or this. She was only 17 or almost 17 when she had me. As far as I know, she probably left before I was born. I do remember being 4 or 5 years old and my step dad, who up until this one moment was my dad. He told me I wasn’t his son. My mom was at work and he was between jobs and keeping me and my sister. I assume he thought it would cause me to be upset. I remember standing there listening to him and not feeling anything at all. Imagine being that age and the man that you thought was your dad telling you, before me and your mom married, she was with another man. I remember telling my mom when she got home what news I learned like it was on the front page of the Sunday paper. I felt nothing. To this day, I feel nothing except curiosity. I was told that my step dad adopted me and that my own dad refused to show up to fight for me. So, that tracks a little. It would answer why I always felt no one really cared for me. Even though I have a lot of people that love me - I can’t say that I feel as if they care for me.
More to come …
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