I hate everybody. in Since OD is shutting down....

My friend had got my Mom and I talking again. Well, texting. She’s the same person she always has been where she doesn’t like hearing the truth and only wants a relationship with me if it means she doesn’t have to have accountability.

My boyfriend and I are seriously just something else. So, I didn’t work today. It wasn’t busy and I had my app running all fucking morning. Well, he felt as if I was putting him off for my Mom or for my friend. I told him my friend might call and then she didn’t and my Mom and I are to have lunch tomorrow but I was trying to make it for today since I wasn’t working and so I could get it over with. Well, she was busy. He then had like 2 beers and 4 shots and started being a complete dickhead so I decided to come in and lay down. He was really mad but again, he doesn’t let me talk to explain that he had started drinking and is now in a bad mood which is the recipe for disaster. There would have been no way for me to explain that without him getting even more irate so he left without me.

I spend more time by myself now then when I was single. I am so fucking sick of being by myself that I don’t see why we are together. I don’t want to be with him anymore but I’m stuck until I can get my own place again. I try really hard to get along with him and even be affectionate and most of the time, I’m still treated like absolute shit. The motorcycle isn’t my favorite thing and I can honestly admit here in my diary that I don’t think I ever enjoyed it but pretended to so he’d like me. The very first time he took me on the bike, he was going well over 100mph but I didn’t know because I was so fucking scared that all I did was hold on and duck my head behind him.

I went on the bike yesterday or the day before and it was alright except for him almost hitting the same car twice. I just don’t like going on there and I will do what I can to avoid it when he’s drinking and pissed off. He scared me so bad last month that I would be happy to never ride on that fucking thing again.

My life is a fucking mess and there’s no way out. It’s about to get worse once BD gets visitation and I have no doubt I’ll go back to putting up with the emotional abuse, even with a parenting app and from what I’ve heard, the courts won’t care. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do putting up with it and not getting a choice. I know that I’ll probably end up taking a trip to a mental hospital.

I still don’t have friends or family. It’s just me. I spend most of my time by myself and I don’t even understand why I have a boyfriend when he’s barely ever around me, doesn’t touch me and doesn’t show much care if we hang out or not. I honestly wish I would have never met him and after this, I will never date again. I’ll probably at least try to get laid since I’ve spent over a year getting to do that maybe 10 times and the last attempt was almost 3 months ago. He even told me the other day that he’s “not a big sex guy” and it’s like yeah because drinking is more important! I understand why almost every girl he’s ever been with has cheated. We are human and have human needs!

I’m in a really bad mood and I don’t have anyone to talk to about this shit so I’m going to put it here. My computer has a password so I don’t ever have to worry about him reading this. I honestly used to really like him and thought I was in love but I see him for what he is and how he treats me and I’m not feeling it anymore. Sometimes I don’t even care what happens because I’m so fucking drained.

The only reason I care about living is because of my child. I live, breathe and keep going because of her. She is the reason why I don’t give up.

I do hope that at some point I can start having a little bit of a break though. I think it would be nice to be able to go do stuff sometimes. Even go sit in a coffee shop and read a book. I have a lot of anger and resentment that I don’t get to do what other people do either because they’ve raised their kids, other people have raised their kids or they just always have a sitter. I’ve always had to beg and plead to get a break and I’m sick of it.

I’m just having a really bad day because I don’t have any money and I spend so much time waiting to make money that I’m starting to get scared that I won’t be able to pay my fucking bills. I have so much I worry about and no one to talk to. I’m just alone.