Entry 129: Old Habits in Much Ado About Nothing

On the drive in to work on Monday, May 5th, 2025… I was thinking, “I wonder if I should keep writing. I mean, even I am getting sick of my bullshit. I go to work. I go to church. I volunteer for the Theater as an Actor and in General Hospitality. I’m active in my local Democratic Political Party. I’m filling my time; but I’m not living. I’m fighting a truly terrible government regime in the State House and Federal Government; while also arguing why police were in the right for tazing a person in this specific case. I’m spending time pointing out how blatantly the President of the United States is eviscerating the Constitution; while arguing against someone demanding that laws don’t apply to them. I reject MAGA and they reject me over things like empathy, respect for the Constitution, and how Christ-centered living actually looks in practice. But the opposition doesn’t exactly embrace me with open arms because I’m “for fascist, racist police practices” like arresting someone who is screaming at a police officer and attempting to prevent that officer from putting handcuffs on a person.

My birthday weekend was okay. I like seeing my best friend, I know we can both use the company. His birthday present never arrived, so I have to do some extra leg work to track that shit down. He gave me some JoJo’s swag- a stuffed version of THE MASK and a Figure of JOSEPH JOESTAR and a huge bag of Anime DVDs he had converted to Blu Rays for his collection, so didn’t need the old format ones. Which is actually bigger than you might think. See, there are a BUNCH of old Anime Companies who have let their licenses expire. So some shows, like Sekirei and Blood+ (for example) are missing from most segments of this reality. They are not on any legitimate streaming services, the DVDs are no longer in production, it is like the Anime have essentially ceased to exist in this World Line. If you’re quick, you’ll note that both examples used were Aniplex properties because that is the Anime Company that was once MOST known for the content they made available to the US and now no longer exist in practical matters. So… old, obscure, is valued for a number of reasons.
Then I spent my Sunday just… existing, congealing, being bombarded by social media and dating app shit that sent me further and further into a depression. I saw three TikTok videos of women saying “When a guy matches with me on a dating app, that is so cringe! Like… ew. Really? What is wrong with you?” And… not done as jest. Which… breaks my fucking brain. If you’re on dating apps, one assumes the intended goal is to match with someone? But.... when people match with you, you judge them for being on the apps? What the fuck is this world coming to?! Then adding more coal to that particular fire, I saw a few videos that were just… wow. The whole time, I was hoping that there would be evidence that the video was a joke but… nope. Video of a woman crying, discussing how the dating apps are hard, and how she’s just about ready to give up entirely because only ugly guys match with her… and she’s worth more than some ugly guy matching with her so what’s wrong with life when only these ugly guys match with her?! I saw a version of that video with a different woman about two or three times. Then I saw a string of videos from relatively attractive and engaging women in their early thirties through early forties, which were all about how they can’t find any men that reach their standards, so the proof of life is that MEN are the problem because there are no good single men! But the standards are all contradictory for each person. He didn’t pay for the date/he did pay for the date; she was offended that he didn’t pick her up at her home/she was offended that he wanted to pick her up at her home; she was upset because he kept asking her questions the whole date/she was upset because he stayed quiet for most of the date; it was cheap and made her feel less than that they just went out for drinks and that was it/it was coercive pressure that made her feel uncomfortable that they went to a fancy restaurant for a full meal and then he asked her if she wanted to go for a walk for gelato. It’s… meanwhile I can’t get.... anything. Even a conversation. Even a match. NOTHING. On any dating app I’m using. And it is THIS shit that I’m starting to think.... “I just won’t write today. They hear this same refrain over and over and over again. If I’m sick of this shit, they‘re sick of this shit.” I’m putting myself out there. Literally as much as I can. The only two things I haven’t done yet are (1) hire an honest to God match making service (though I’ve been giving it SERIOUS consideration); and (2) Just start hanging out at bars and trying to pick up any woman with a pulse. That’s… what I haven’t done yet. And I’m keeping it in mind and close at hand… I am trying to put myself out there in Friends as well. But… my local friends are theater kids a good 15 years younger than me. It’s weird enough being The Old Man who wants to know if Gen Z is “down to hang”. And looking into it? The answers to what’s going on are obvious. Made more so by the Social Media Videos. At work: I am prosecuting people. It would be inappropriate (and I do not desire) to attempt to befriend or date the literal Criminal Defendants I am prosecuting. At theater: It’s the Gen Z of it all. Not to mention scheduling nightmares… who isn’t shooting a movie, doing a staged reading, or in another production right now? Politically: Fuck me, the Democrats out here are all above 60! I know they actually aren’t but the ones who are actually participating in the process right now are all over 60!! Church: Same shit, different location. Fuck me, the Church Goers out here are all above 60! I know they actually aren’t but the ones who are actually participating in the process right now are all over 60!! WHERE DO I FIND THE PEOPLE MY AGE? At PTA meetings, at School Pick Up Zones, at Peewee Sports Games.
So… yeah. I feel.... somewhat profoundly alone… more often than I care to. And I’m sick of writing about it. But if I keep it all in, as I was doing on Sunday, it just… eats me from the inside. Points out the hollow, the empty, the isolation, the displeasure. I’d say if I was discussing this from a “Things to tell a therapist” perspective? The three things that are really haunting me right now?
(1) My ex-wife made me feel truly hideous. The fact that the only person in the last 5 years who was willing to be seen in public with me was blind does nothing to shake the complexities of how I feel. The persistent, continuous social rejection I’ve experienced over the last 6 months and counting is succeeding at eroding all of my positive self-affirmations that I use to try to convince myself I’m not the Quasimodo Nancy made me feel like.
(2) I find, lately, that I’m still struggling with the Knowledge Wound. Nobody knows me like Nancy used to. She knew me, was there, was present for 14 years. Nobody else knows me like she did. And then… because of how the world has been since? It honestly just feels like nobody knows me now. I don’t have anyone that knows me. My most successful relationships right now are MBFITWW and Jane… two people that I can honestly not contact for over a year and nothing in our relationship changes. Which… is good and bad all the same. Nobody knows me and that’s a lonely feeling.
(3) Every day through work, theater, political activity, or church.... I am inundated with stories regarding parenthood. The tragedy of a miscarriage; the awful reality of children being abused or neglected; the fights divorced parents have with each other where they use the children like game pieces; the runaways; the broken, the beaten, and the damned. I was raised in a “You are lovingly and beautifully created” world and… I haven’t done anything spectacular… but especially as I grew out of High School, people were aware and were mentioning how they can’t wait to see what I’m like as a parent because of my good qualities and my heart for people. And I know that my heart isn’t dead… it isn’t gone… it’s just… disconnected.

And because all of that is just… bloody… same shit different day.... I thought that writing it all out wouldn’t exactly be a worthwhile use of time or energy today. But it is also very true that if I don’t express it, don’t… get it out there… than it just sits inside of me. Finds a nice cozy place in my heart and my soul and just… sets up shop there. A very very heavy shop. That… kind of drags me down the whole time.

So… that’s me. How are you?