Different but the same. in Since OD is shutting down....

I look at old entries and it’s amazing to me how much has changed but how much has remained the same. I can’t believe all the time and energy I spent being upset over things that I can’t control and how much everyone’s behavior really affected me. I am just blown away at the good and the bad.

I’m glad that we will be renewing the lease because that means he is wanting to stay here and be with me. I want this to just be our building year where we get our money right and can afford to move. I just don’t want to struggle to get into another place and feel stuck somewhere.

My biggest plan over the Summer is to pay off my credit card, pay down my car, pay up some bills for 2 or 3 months and start saving even $75 a week. I miss having a nest egg and I really want to work on that again. I love having a newer, better car but I don’t love the car payment. I basically pay 2 car payments with one week of earnings. I have my car note for next week and I’m glad because then I can make money to go towards other bills.

My boyfriend is running around getting stuff done. I didn’t go because my kid is outside playing with the neighbor kids. It’s another nice day, kinda windy though. It’s nice to get a break from work and just be at home. I’m wanting him to put up curtains in the bedroom and he plans to when he gets home.

It’s just crazy when I read old entries where I talk about my family and nothing has changed. I know that if I wasn’t related to them, they are not the kind of people I would willingly associate with. I don’t like them and there’s nothing that will ever make me like them. There’s just so much shit that’s gone on my entire life and a lot of it I can’t get over. I just want them to never contact me again and I wish them all well.

My boyfriend came home and we talked about things. He said that he knows that I’m lonely and how I need to try and make friends. He said that he understands how I feel about never getting to go do anything and he sympathizes with me, but he’s also raised his kids and feels that he should get to go do shit too. I completely understand but I know that if I ever get to go do anything, I plan to go. I’m sick of never getting to do anything fun that’s kid-free. I’ve always been made to feel like I’m just a shit Mom because I’d like to be able to do what other people do like go have a drink, go to a concert, just go do something where I can be myself for a little while.

My kid’s Dad made damn sure that he never helped with her because he didn’t want me to go outside. I truly believe with every ounce of my fucking soul he enjoyed not being around to make life harder for me without considering what it was like for OUR child to see me stressed out and overstimulated all the fucking time. I feel that I’ve just always been in survival mode and would have probably been a better Mom had I ever gotten an actual break. That didn’t happen until last year when he had a girlfriend with a car, money, and a house and was using her resources for him to see her.

I think as a Mom, it’s really hard to ever feel like you’re anything but. I want the chance to rediscover myself, have hobbies, and be able to be carefree sometimes. I’ve spent almost 8 years never really getting to plan anything either because there’s no sitter or I didn’t have a reliable one. I remember all those times my Mother said she would come watch her and wouldn’t show up. I would hang onto my brother’s broken promises that he would take her and never did. I learned not to EVER ask BD because not only would he not watch her but made me feel like a piece of absolute trash if I even asked.

I definitely think that I am more bitter than what I realize. I know that I accept everything for what it is but for him to file for visitation almost 8 years later is absolutely sickening. I know that neither one of us can go back, we can’t change the past or what mistakes have been made on either side but I have done it all with or without his help while he lived his best life and now that I don’t care, I will be forced to share my kid with him.

It’s just crazy that everything happened like it did and I have to figure out how to be okay with it. I just really hope that with a court order, I might get to see what having a life outside of working or being a Mom might feel like. Even this weekend, I’ve been with her pretty much non-stop except for yesterday when I worked for about 3 hours and it’s been cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and making sure she’s entertained. I’m tired, I’m hot and we still have quite a while before bedtime. She’s outside playing with a friend and I’m definitely grateful she has a couple of kids to come play.

I’ve been on Google looking at the visitation/shared parenting stuff and we could work out a plan before going to court but I know that if I were to try and contact him, it probably would just be the same conversation it’s been all along and nothing would get resolved anyway. I honestly would love to call him and ask if he’d like to talk about a schedule and then we could just present it to the judge, have it signed off on and go from there but he is such an emotionally abusive, crazy person that I think it would be best to wait until we go to court. The thing is, if we can’t agree, the judge will implement the order which means they will decide how this goes. I don’t really want my daughter around him any more than necessary because he can’t take care of her.

We have court in just a couple of weeks and part of me would like to try and get something worked out and have at least an idea of what he’s wanting time wise and the other part of me knows how any contact goes. It’s a tough spot to be in because I know once we go to court, he’s going to use it against me that I didn’t try to work something out prior. I’m going to think on it and if anything, I might reach out to him but if I do, it should probably be over Messenger so I have proof of what’s said. I also want us to communicate only through a parenting app because I don’t want to be abused, belittled and threatened anymore.

I’m gonna go to bed. More tomorrow.