Unresolved. in Since OD is shutting down....

He called me a little bit ago and asked me to come to where he was. He said that I don’t want to be around him and I feel he doesn’t want to be around me. He asked what my plans are and I said I didn’t know. I’m stuck here for now because I have court at the end of this month for BD to get some kind of visitation. I have no idea what he’s planning on. The lease is expired and I don’t know if he ever talked to the landlord about renewing, even for a few months. There’s always this uncertainty and everything up in the air whether we are getting along or not.

I know that if he decides to leave, we have no where to go and I have animals. The homeless shelters here are full and I could go to a women’s shelter, but not my pets. I’m honest to God so tired of worrying about not having a home that I’m so angry at myself for making the decision to move in with him. This is not how it should be whatsoever.

Mentally, I’ve accepted that he could leave and that means I get to figure out what to do with my child and my pets. I have always had people abandon me and it’s pretty normal but he promised in the beginning, we wouldn’t end up homeless. If he leaves, that makes me feel that he never cared to begin with. I gave up my home that I could afford on my own to be constantly worried about not having a place to live and him threatening to leave when we’ve fought. I understand that for him it’s a coping mechanism and he has his own trauma, but for me it’s a pretty terrifying thought to have no where to go with my child.

I can’t believe all of this. I wish I had someone who could move in and help pay the rent but there’s nobody. Everyone I know either doesn’t keep a job or doesn’t pay bills. I just don’t know how to fix this or find a way to be okay with ending up with no home. I don’t know if he plans to renew the lease or not but rent is due in 3 days. I don’t even know if he has the money to fucking pay it. Every months it’s that same concern.

It’s just crazy to think how I used to be madly in love with him, couldn’t wait to see him and be around him and now I’m just full of anger and disgust. I’m angry that he was a different person that I feel he pretended to be. I know that things are different because he doesn’t have a job but I never anticipated shit ending up this bad. We can be around each other and not say a word. I still have moments where I love him and want for this to work out but I think that’s because I’m lonely and I don’t have anyone else. I have my child but I don’t have other adults to spend my time with.

Everyone around me used to like him and now, no one is around because everyone hates him. It’s not a fun feeling to know that your whole family doesn’t have a good opinion of who you are with.

I think it pisses people off that I don’t react the way they want. I used to give an emotionally charged reaction to EVERY SINGLE THING that I didn’t like. It didn’t help nor did it change anything so I’m sorry that I’m a different person now. I spent years reacting with anger, then tears, then trying to calmly talk about how people were hurting me to now, I just become silent. I have gone days where I won’t talk to him and not to be an asshole, but just because I’m so hurt that I don ‘t have anything to say.

Being a single Mom with a deadbeat baby Daddy that has done absolutely everything in his power to make my life as hard as he could has changed me. My anger became acceptance. I remember how I’d beg, plead, and even try to guilt him into being a Dad until it finally got through that he’s going to be the parent he’s going to be and then when I finally gave up, I got papers saying he wants visitation. It’s not fair. I put in all the fucking work. My kid is amazing because of MY blood, sweat, and tears. While he was out being a man-whore, working under the table, living off others, drinking, sleeping all day, I was at home by my fucking self taking care of a child and doing it all by myself, day in and day fucking out.

I believe there’s several reasons for this. I believe it’s because he doesn’t like that things are peaceful for my daughter and myself, he’s upset that she has a Dad who’s there every day, that he can’t contact me to keep having pointless arguments where he’s able to put me down and be mentally abusive and because he doesn’t have any say in MY life! I think a huge part of it is boredom. He has nothing to focus his time on.

My friend seems to think that we’ll go to court, then have mediation, and then if we can’t agree than we go back to court and the judge makes the order. I have a paper in the car that I forgot about that states after the hearing, we will both be mailed a copy of the order so it’s probably going to be decided that day. I honestly think I’m more anxious than nervous. I do want my child to see her Dad but I want her to see him be a good influence and can actually take care of her. All she has ever known is him just trying to turn her against me and me still having to do everything for her even when she’s on his time.

I just want to see how this is going to play out when he doesn’t have a home, a car and zero stability. My perfect scenario would be him get supervised visits for awhile before there’s any plan for overnight visits. I want him to understand that you can’t just talk to her about adult things and I want her to see him where I don’t have to be worried sick the whole time. I’m honestly just worried that this is going to be more inconvenient than it is helpful, for her emotionally and me physically and financially. It’s bullshit that he’s had the better part of 9 years now to get himself stable and still hasn’t.

I just struggle with the fact that this motherfucker didn’t care all these years and now I will be forced to share my time with my child with him. He never helped with childcare or when I had begged him to help. I remember when I almost died of COVID and he still wouldn’t help! The dr told me I was 3 days from cashing out. it was bad and it could have killed me. He had every excuse under the sun and once I finally quit asking, he was livid even though he wouldn’t help anyway!

I try to tell myself that hopefully with a court order, we can reach a good place and actually stay in it and this is for him to actually become a Dad but as history would have it, I can’t help but feel this is all about control and to insert himself in my life. He loved to use my child as a spy and an informant and I have no doubt that he is just viding his time so that can happen again. It’s hard for me to see this situation as anything but what I’ve been shown all these years. I don’t feel that he deserves time with her because all he does is waste it trying to get information about my personal life and weaponize every single thing he hears.

I just hope that he understands that I’m going to do everything in my power to limit my contact with him and make sure that every conversation is being recorded. I need to preserve my sanity to some extent. I don’t plan to respond to anything unless it has to do with health or transportation. If he isn’t scheduled to have her until Friday and he’s blowing me up on Thursday, I will respond on Friday and it probably won’t be about him abusing me, but anything that has to do with my child. If he tries to provoke me, he won’t get a response. I think once he comes to the realization that he’s not in control of my time or emotions, this will fizzle out really fast.