Terrible. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I didn’t get to work much today and I was pretty sure my daughter had her after school program today so I pick her up from school and we drive over there just for me to have some kid tell me they aren’t having it today. I’m pretty bummed because I wanted to make some money for the weekend but I took her to get some Taco Bell. We are home and I’m cleaning up the kitchen because again, no one else will.

We are still not doing well. The lease expired yesterday and I have no idea if he’s talked to the landlord or what’s going on but I wouldn’t be shocked if we end up homeless either. I’m seriously so tired of all this. He’s been busy driving around drinking today and we are still not really talking so I’m not wasting my breath to ask anymore. I was talking about it a couple of days ago and he said he’d let them know what he decides but still hasn’t. I don’t even know if he has the money to pay rent.

I honestly don’t know how much longer I’m able to live this way. I still have been sleeping in my daughter’s room and he even asked yesterday if I was no longer sleeping in our room. No, I’m ignorant remember? He’s called me that almost everyday for the past week so I sleep elsewhere.

My depression is starting to take over. I definitely don’t feel like myself and I don’t know what I can do about it until I don’t live with him anymore. I’ve done what I can to get us on waiting lists and until I can get into a place, I’m pretty much stuck. I knew better and did it anyway. I just hope that I can find a place to live soon.

He’s out drinking, as usual. I let him know last night that I will no longer be making meals and I will now be doing the bare minimum. I will make sure my daughter is taken care of but I’m not going out of my way to buy groceries or fast food anymore. I am drowning financially and it’s time to start acting like I have zero money. There’s just too many times he puts it all on me to pay for shit and I’m tired of feeling like he’s just taking advantage. He has court on Wednesday for beating the shit out of my little brother and then he decides we’re going to the store to get charcoal to grill but then gets ‘sick’ as we get in the store so I got to pay for all that too.

I just don’t like how this is going. He used to be really good about paying for things and I understand that he doesn’t really have money right now but I’d rather be made aware of the fact that I will be paying for shit in advance, not just sprung on me when we get somewhere. I feel as thought I’ve come off more generous that what I really am and I’m going to start pulling back quite a bit. I will no longer be buying his alcohol and I will only be buying the bare minimum for groceries.

Since he’s lost his job, I gave him $1K to pay for a trailer, I used my CC to pay for the repairs on his bike which was almost $1K, and I helped with a new Iphone which was $525. I think I’ve done more than enough and I’m going to make sure to constantly be ‘broke’ because I don’t feel that he appreciates a fucking thing and I don’t appreciate feeling used. A little ‘thank you’ would go a really long way and I don’t even get that!

We really haven’t been doing well in about 3 months and I’m just ready for it to be over. I seriously can’t keep living like this. I came home yesterday and stayed in the living room. After about an hour and a half, I go to the bathroom and he left. We have zero connection because all he cares about connecting with is a fucking bottle. His drinking has absolutely ruined everything and I do worry we are going to end up on the fucking street because of it.

I knew I should have stayed in my own place but I also had the guilt that he was paying for a place right next to me without living in it and I decided to move in with him. It ended up being the biggest mistake I could have made. I still hear about all the money he spent paying for a place because of me and blah blah blah and never do I hear about how much money I’ve helped him out with when that was money I could have used to move out!

All I know is I wish I wouldn’t have met him and now it’s going to take a lot of time and money to fix this. I’m also upset that I have my daughter around someone that is never sober. He’s fucked up right away in the morning and stays that way until he passes out. He’s got a lot of issues and me sticking around isn’t going to help him change.

I was listening to a Tik Tok this morning about how don’t ever marry someone that drinks everyday because you aren’t marrying the person, you’re marrying the habit. They go on to talk about how everything is based around their moods, bad days, and hang overs and holy hell that is so true. I’m always careful to bring up certain things because I have learned to tread lightly.

He made a wedge between my family and I. Do I think he gives a flying fuck? Nah. He’s cost me a lot of fucking money and does he care? Nah. I don’t get affection of any kind, does he care? Nah. Does he care that he put his hands on my kid’s Dad and that will probably be mentioned in court? Nah.

I’m in a living hell and I can’t be mad at anyone but myself. I didn’t realize how deep his addiction was until it was too late and now, I don’t know what to do. I don’t have the money to afford rent by myself, on top of all my other bills. Everyone says I can get a place for $1K a month but I don’t have any extra thousand every month! I should have stayed in my own place where I was able to afford everything on my own, including rent!

As I sit here typing, I feel really alone and scared. I don’t have anyone talk to. My daughter is only 7. I just be in my thoughts all day long, every single day. Being with him for the past year has never made me feel whole. I’ve still felt very alone. He always talks about being alone all day long but I’ve been doing it for years, even thought for the past year I’ve had someone. Why is it okay for me and not him? He goes out drinking because that’s what he wants to do. My time is spent at work and being a Mom. I don’t ever get the chance to go out and just enjoy being free. That was stripped away once I found out I was pregnant.

As of right now, he’s been to 4 different bars today. I’m sure he’ll get home and be completely fucked up and pass out. I think he’s coming so I’ll write more later or tomorrow.