Another day. in Since OD is shutting down....

Things are just whatever at this point. Since my boyfriend lost his phone in a river downtown, I ended up spending $500 to get him into another one. I never really did get a thank you. I was just sick of watching him go downhill more and more everyday because your phone is your outlet. I put it on a credit card and have to wait until tomorrow to see what the minimum payment is. I will have to dip into my savings to pay it and then I plan to just pay what I can every week until it’s paid off.

We got into it yesterday where he called me ignorant and told me that he wouldn’t give a fuck if I were to pack up and leave. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I am so angry that I had to turn and walk away. I could have stayed in my own place where I could have afforded my rent and my other bills and then a few months later I’m being told that I could leave and he doesn’t care?!?! Okay well again this is why I’ve gotten back on the wait list for an affordable apartment and I will be leaving as soon as I get to the top of the list.

I am very angry at how much money it’s cost being with him and I know it will never be recovered. I’m sick of worrying that he’s going to end up in jail because he pays the fucking rent here. I don’t make enough to pay all the rent on top of my other bills and it’s not fair that I get to sit around and worry I will lose my place to live because of his choices.

Today he’s left to do whatever he wants so I’ve been taking care of my kid and cleaning up the house. He doesn’t clean whatsoever and it’s almost a miracle for him to take out the fucking trash. I am just so tired of all the extra work I have because of him and his dog that I could scream. He’s been on unemployment for a good minute, not working a real job so how the fuck am I still stuck doing everything?!? Selfish and lazy!

He asked this morning about breakfast but I waited for him to leave so my daughter and I went and got something to eat. He showed up right as we got home and I know he was pissed that I didn’t get him anything. Well, I thought he was going to be gone most of the day. He sat here in the bedroom for a couple of hours and then announced he was going for a ride and has been gone for hours. I would be so happy if he didn’t come back. I am so fucking sick of him that I will NEVER be in another relationship for as long as I live. He treats me like absolute shit after putting a wedge between me and my family, has cost me a fuck ton of money, and I’m not allowed to have any kind of opinion that goes against his.

I feel that I’ve made so many mistakes and I don’t know how the fuck I can fix them. I want my own place again so that I don’t have to rely on another human to pull their weight. I don’t want to clean up after a man or his dog anymore. I don’t want to buy extra groceries anymore or do the daily runs to the liquor store any longer. I spend close to $600 a month on his alcohol and what’s funny is I rarely ever drink. I know that he’s used to spending more time at work than at home but it’s been a couple of months now and I was kinda hoping he could at least clean up after himself but that’s a fucking pipe dream.

Yesterday we go to Walmart and he put a couple of things in the cart and I paid for everything on top of paying $30 for pizza Friday night. It’s just so fucking expensive being around him and I’m just sick of not having any extra money! I know he did a lot financially when he was working but it’s like he’s forgotten that he doesn’t do much now because he can’t afford to but still expects the same out of me. I am constantly talking about how I don’t make much money but it still doesn’t change him making sure I pay for shit! I know that I’m going to have to get mean about this.

I wanted to save that $30 towards my new credit card bill but no, I paid for pizza. I paid for the groceries at the store yesterday. I just can’t keep doing this. He did ask if I needed money for the pizza but he also knows I order the shit online where you have to put in your card information.

In all seriousness, I don’t want to be with him anymore. I’m sick of his drinking, his loudness, how mean he can be, and I’m tired of not ever getting to talk. He’s always talking and it’s the most annoying thing I think I’ve ever dealt with. He doesn’t ever shut the fuck up. I’m not allowed to speak hardly at all. I think he would be happy if all I did was smile and nod. I’m not allowed to ever explain anything and he’ll cut me off because he just assumes he knows what I plan to say.

Sex? Yeah so because he is overweight, has high blood pressure, drinks like a fish, and doesn’t take care of himself we don’t do that. The last attempt was on Valentine’s Day. We’ve gone MONTHS where we don’t do anything and then he gets upset when he wants to take a pill so we can try and I say no, I use the excuse of his health issues simply because after you go so long without anything, it’s awkward.

I honestly feel that I’ve made one helluva mistake being with him and I’m ready to get the fuck out of here. After yesterday him telling me that he doesn’t care if I leave, I don’t have a reason to stay. I want out, just gotta find somewhere to go that I can afford by myself. I am so angry at myself for giving up my home that I was able to afford by myself and now I’m stuck with a fat, loud, annoying alcoholic.

I feel as thought I’m in a living hell. I don’t have any friends and nothing to do. I never have a babysitter outside of school. I seriously need to start working on myself because I’m really unhappy. Once my daughter is at school, I’m by myself all day long. I’m always in my head and that’s a shitty place to be. I just wish I had a family, a support system.

Life sucks and I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t. I’m not anywhere I’d like to be and I need to find a way to be happy again. I slept in my daughter’s bed last night and woke up with the worst back ache of my life. I got up and just started cleaning.

Being a robot is what I’ve done most of my life. NO one thinks that I get tired or ever need help. I just do everything or it doesn’t get done.

Court is next month. I am really hoping for a good outcome with kid’s Dad. I honestly wouldn’t be upset for him to have her on weekends, even a Saturday night once a month. This thing where I work all week and then there’s NO FUCKING BREAK on the weekend EVER is making me postal. This is what I’ve dealt with for almost 8 years now and sometimes I just want to start screaming and putting holes in the wall. Having a child is a life sentence. Seriously, I love my child more than I can put into words but I don’t think it’s wrong for me to get to go out and be kid free once in a blue moon either.

I just wish the people around me could ever show some empathy instead of just making me feel even worse. I remember one time I was at the peak of my depression telling me brother that I just wanted a break and him saying that it sounded like I didn’t even want to be a Mom. Um, okay so because I’d like a break once in a while after being with my kid 24/7 for MONTHS that means I don’t want to be a Mom?!? I just feel that was a lot of manipulation and projection in his statement. He’s always had a babysitter and has never once missed out on anything so there’s no reason for him to even attempt to understand where I was coming from.

I think all those years that I was with my kid non-stop for months at a time really did affect me and my parenting. I love her and enjoy being with her but I’m a much better Mom when I’ve gotten a break. My boyfriend gets to go out and do stuff which I get, he’s raised his kids but if he ever showed any sympathy, it would be a massive help. He doesn’t though and I’ve learned to not complain about it. He’s just as heartless as everyone else!

I’ve been thinking a lot about court. I plan to go in there with a good attitude, not argue with him and just talk about present day. They aren’t going to care about him being emotionally abusive or the threats he’s made so I’m not going to bother printing out screenshots and since my boyfriend provoked the assault that night which led him to keep her from me, I don’t feel there’s any reason to get the police report. I’m just going to talk about his instability with not having his own place and car. I would be really comfortable with them doing a step up plan and supervised visits to lead into overnights.

My biggest concerns is him seeing her being like it was before. I don’t want this to be an expensive hassle for me where it’s impeding on my schedule while I’m working or trying to go to bed nor do I want to put up with the emotional abuse anymore. I’m honestly going to pray for a good outcome but I think once he realizes that this is going to take time, money, and effort on his part, I don’t see him making the changes he needs to. I think once he comes to the realization that this is going to be about our daughter and not me, he’s going to have a change of heart.

I need for him to have accountability. I want him to be responsible for her transportation, food, and clothing while she’s on his time. I have a car and pay for a car while she’s on my time, I shouldn’t have to while she’s on his. Honestly, I am more anxious to see how this goes more than I am nervous. I don’t know how the fuck he plans to have her when he lives in a place where guests are not allowed and he doesn’t have a car. I honestly think he’s biting off more than he can chew, all so he can control me.

He’s always been one of those people where he’s used to everyone else figuring shit out and wiping his ass and I refuse to keep doing it. I was so sick of having to take her to him, take them both somewhere so he could get food to feed her, showing up late at night or super early in the morning to give him food because he couldn’t afford to feed her and that’s when I decided that I’ll either find someone else to watch her or I’ll stay home. It was just more miserable having him take her than what it was worth. Even going months with no break, he made taking her just as miserable as he could and that’s why I chose to just be at home with my kid every weekend.

More later. I need to enjoy my time before that asshole gets back.