Entry 117: Temporal Waves in Much Ado About Nothing

I wanted to get the last entry out prior to lunch on Tuesday just in case anyone had any suggestions about conversations on these infernal apps. I mean, honestly, texting convos via dating apps is… I’m just… I’m not in my 20s. I can carry on a fine text conversation with people I know but the “Hi, we’ve never met. Let’s be friends!” has never been a strong suit of mine. In person or out but at least in person, I have a much better chance. ANYWAY- trying not to focus on that as I wanted to come back here in order to write about some of the “YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING” shit that followed me the rest of the day.

Perhaps nothing explains my job and the shit I deal with like the following statement:
I ended my Tuesday hearings borderline screaming at someone that a Work ID is not a valid driver’s license.
That’s not hyperbole or exaggeration or color for a good story. I genuinely, literally had a person across from me showing me a badge with their face and their employer’s name saying “I’ve had a legal license this whole time! Those fucking cops are just harassing me!” So, I asked to see the license. He hands me the badge. I say, “I need to see a Driver’s License as issued by this state or another state.” He says, “That badge permits me to drive in any state I want to.” It… doesn’t, though. It may permit you to drive for the company but you’d need a valid license first. And he continued to argue. To make things more batshit insane… the employer’s name on the badge? HE DOESN’T EVEN WORK THERE! So.... an employee badge… from a company where you ARE NOT AN EMPLOYEE… is not a valid driver’s license. And this wasn’t just… some punk piece of shit being funny. If he was trolling because “lulz, n3rd”.... I’d be annoyed but I wouldn’t be as horrified. The JUDGE had to step in and essentially say, “Okay. We’re putting all of your cases as trials. Feel free to argue that Employee Badge as License at that trial because we’re done entertaining it here.”

And.... this. This is just… this is the “Humans are getting worse” that drives me mad. Humans are so thoroughly convinced that they know things they absolutely do not know and then start throwing tantrums and losing their minds when reality contradicts their bullshit. And while this kind of thing ALWAYS upsets me and ALWAYS will.... it is worse now because (1) it is fucking everywhere; and (2) it is now a huge part of American Politics and Trump and Trumpism. WHY do the stupidest people in the room think they’re “actually secret geniuses” just because they believe shit the rest of us acknowledge is too stupid for words?!

After work, I went to a Democrat Communications meeting that lasted for more than 3 hours. Which is long especially for a week night. So… when I don’t get home until 9 pm?!?! There was no way I was going to do all the Home Stuff I wanted to do. So I did what I could, then tried to go to bed. I say tried for a number of reasons. Primarily, my body was going through a weird pain cycle so I couldn’t sleep. Not to mention that, while the toe/foot pain hasn’t increased, the redness of the area certainly has!! So with that, I went through a Doom Scroll that included a lot of JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure stuff, a lot of What Anime Power Is Best, and an annoyingly aggressive amount of “I’m between 19 and 28 and can’t find any good men! What the hell?!” kind of content. A large supply of it being Coastal Women upset that they can’t find anyone who is serious about actually getting married and settling down. So… just for where I am as a person these days… not helpful for getting sleep. And then the sky opened up with lightning flashes that bathed the world in brilliant light over and over again. So, barometric pressure is why the body pain. As the thunder-boomies were massive, Nala was shaking and I cuddled into her a bit more trying to assure her that she was safe. And that’s when the power went out. So I didn’t actually slip into any kind of sleep until around 5 am. To wake up at 7. To rush into work and need to desperately respond to the now 30 back E-Mails and prepare for the alleged 40 hearings I have this afternoon and the 6 trials I have tomorrow.

I pretty much worked nose to the grindstone all morning, taking care of as much as possible all morning. It’s a good way to be, after all- work is work. But even as I am doing it, my brain reminds me of the things I need to be like this for in other areas and seem to struggle so. Honestly, the laundry and dishes should be easily conquered. And then my foot screams in pain and I turn my mind, perhaps, to the more appropriate question:
“Am I so hard on myself with chores because of my father’s voice in my head? Am I so hard on myself with chores because of my ex-wife’s voice in my head?” I think it is safe to say that, whether it is a complete answer, there is certainly truth to it. My father’s rage at clutter and any kind of organization that did not meet his needs is understandably difficult to get away from as it was a foundational voice. There are many reasons why I have had some therapists suggest that I find an ACoA group or something similar. And mixing my near constant “I have to do whatever I can to make Nancy less furious, less upset, less depressed” often culminating in “Make the space to her standards as she freaks out if things aren’t clean and tidy”. I mean… pretty clear why those two influences stretching a full 32 years would be hard to shake. But I know I need to. And the dire truth of the matter is that those two voices aren’t so much motivating as insulting. I don’t find more energy and capability to get that work done due to those voices. I just… feel less capable, generally. That, by the way, is a recurring feeling of late.... by which I mean the last 2 years. I earnestly feel like I was more capable in the 2010s. Law School and Impossible Jobs and Frequent Moves and busting my ass for my marriage and surviving harsh conditions.... I was able to withstand all of that and get more done. But then the generational studies come in and the realization and understanding enters. I was pushing through on Toxic Burn Out desperately fighting for a marriage that didn’t want to survive. I was torturing myself by throwing myself into that crucible time after time after time. IT SHOULD, therefore, BE NO SURPRISE TO ME if my body and soul are of a more “We’re not doing that right now” perspective. Which… is another emotional dichotomy. I’m not… devoid of shit to do nor motivation to do it. I have a disgusting and unhealthy feeling that I won’t actually find myself in any better of a situation until I (a) lose significant weight; and (b) get my house’s interior FINISHED. I know those aren’t sane, logical, or healthy thoughts but those are the thoughts that are sinking in. So… motivation (along with multiple other motivators). And yet..... And yet- getting home from Easter, I couldn’t be arsed to stay up extremely late getting shit done. After a day of Sunrise Easter Service (literal, service started at sunrise), a full day of family, and a 2 hour drive back, returning home at 9 pm to unpack everything… it isn’t/wasn’t hard for me to reasonably convince myself that I needn’t stay up doing House Chores. Monday night would have been the honest best for it scheduling wise but… there’s a reason I was at the doctor that evening and there’s a reason why I have 3 doctor’s appointments scheduled within the next 4 weeks. The horrid pain in the foot preventing me from moving my toes or muscles in that foot presented as a pretty reasonable argument for elevation and ice instead of movement and extended standing. Tuesday? I literally went from “be at work at 8 am” to Political Action Meeting to “returning home after 8 pm”. A 12 hour day and.... again, it wasn’t hard to believe that I could use some downtime instead of launching into hours of chores. And even then, I still did some significant things, taking care of portions of my To Do List. So now I feel a lot of expectation for this evening.... a kind of “Okay. You MUST get the kitchen clean and do laundry. AT LEAST that.” While at the same time acknowledging… I have rehearsal at 6. And likely won’t be back until 8:30 or 9. And contemplating the calendar?
Physically Active Blocking Rehearsal after work on Thursday.
Friday is Open… which means I should do Dog Park and Mow Lawn that night but also, I need to reach back out to the fencing people to see if they put an estimate together for me yet!
Saturday? I have to book a Costume Fitting Slot and then there’s an Organization Meeting at 2:30 that will go until who knows when. So… maybe early ass morning to get things done? Maybe late ass evening to get things done?
Sunday- additional costume fitting appointments and a full District 2 Organization Meeting that evening.
And it’s this weird, stupid thing in my brain. THIS IS WHAT I WANTED. Being involved in Theater is everything to me and not being so passive in a Political World Gone Mad is necessary for me. I just… need to work on the parts of me that get upset when I’m not being productive.
Like… I have several books on my TO BE READ pile that I genuinely and earnestly WANT to read. I also want to catch up on the Anime I’ve missed and see if I can actually get the DVDs to complete Series Collections (and see if I can find other series for less than $300. I know Sekirei doesn’t have a great reputation, but I liked the series and it isn’t reliably streaming anywhere so yes– I want it). MEANWHILE I still have to play through my Mass Effect Legendary, Tiny Tina’s Wonderlands, Oblivion Remaster, and about a half other dozen games sitting and waiting for my attention. BUT I should be spending the time memorizing my script.... or preparing trials for work.... or unpacking the damned house so that I MIGHT start properly building my exercise room so that I might.... might be able to set up a way to catch up on Anime while rowing, and stair climbing, and lifting weights, and elliptical-izing. And I feel much the same way about my office and the cleaning and organizing and constant work to be done. Meanwhile simultaneously I am very aware that I do need to rest, relax, have distractions outside of a negative emotional feedback loop. While simultaneously trying to actively avoid the voice in my head that constantly reminds me that I’m having absolutely zero luck finding… anyone. Fuck Buddy, Board Game Friend, Romantic Partner, Life Partner, DnD Group… anything. So that’s where I am right now.
An entire galaxy full of impossible to meet expectations, hopes, and dreams… while occupying a broken body, a finite space, and deeply limited energy. Navigating the Void