I figure I should journal it out.
I feel deflated and defeated today. Same old, same old. It was a day like today that made me quit coffee. I am being hard on myself, I know it. Nothing has changed. It isn’t going to happen overnight. I don’t have work to distract me. My roommate is home, and I have been projecting onto her. Keeping it to myself, of course. She haunts me like a phantom. A spectre of the worst version of myself. Watching her stuck in her ADHD dopamine loop while life piles up in the background. Life goes on for everyone else, but we get left behind if we can’t break out of these loops. Just numbed out and in avoidance.
They’re just thoughts. They’re just thoughts. They’re just thoughts. I have to remind myself. I’m just reconciling my own evolution. I suck at self-assesment. I see people like her, and there it is. The person I clawed myself out of. If I apply the work I am… was? Doing with my therapist, I would let that version of myself ask why he isn’t good enough. He was only trying to help and do his best. But alas, I don’t play those mind games with myself.
I am untangling my nervous system. I am going to be raw and vulnerable. This could just be my new fixation, but I know that it isn’t. This is a direct shift, I’m not the copilot here. It’s not a mindset issue; it is metabolic. I have to hold myself that epiphany now. Coffee PB entries? This was a supermassive shift. Chemically, energetically, and emotionally. I just sacrificed my fraying lifeline. This was the ADHD reset button. I can give myself some grace here while all the layers of me try to figure it all out now. How to rely on itself for energy and regulation.
Today was not a complete waste. I did manage to make some leeway in some areas. I do have to let myself suffer, in the end. This is okay. It will build resilience.
I am also my bestie’s maid of dishonour. I am planning a little surprise bachelorette. She is only eloping, so I am keeping it small. She is a nostalgia junkie. I am getting our high school clique back together for a night. There have been some fallouts, but we grown folk now. We can save face for a day. So far, the shooting range and dinner. I am aiming for the Boston Pizza that we all used to go to in our late teens/early twenties.
Anyway, I needed to air out my head. Self-awareness is a double-edged sword. Not a skillset I wish I had most days. Ignorance is bliss. Those dopamine loops? That could be my life if I didn’t choose liberation.
Oh! Maybe I’ll explain why was confused about where I am at with my therapist. I brought up my porn addiction and he didn’t understand how it could be damaging… our countries are so whore-torn that he can’t see how this is all fucking fucker fucked. I don’t know if I want to continue my work with him at this time. I’ll stay on the fence for a bit. I feel like I am on the breakthrough side of things anyway. He has the leftist brainwash, I know. Sex work is real work. This was just the line for me, may come back. We will see.
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