Entry 113: Index Toe in Much Ado About Nothing

I see the doctor on Monday but my index toe hurts a lot.
It was lightning and thunder all morning and I wish I could have stayed home with Nala. She was so scared of the Big Boomies that she stayed in the bathroom with me as I showered. For a squirmy girl that doesn’t like being bound, even let me hold her close to my chest and pet her as she shook. Holding her like that helped calm her down and stop the shaking. But I had to leave to go to work. I know she’ll be okay but I don’t like leaving a vulnerable creature I care about when they are in the middle of needing support. Though… speaking of support and weather? The fucking previous owners of my house! Carpenter Hobbyist so… why not build a giant fence in the most amateur way imaginable! Whole fucking thing is coming down. And I mean… coming down, there is an entire side that is folding in on itself. Luckily, Nala can be trusted to stay close to home if the fence entirely comes down. Unluckily, it is an emergency job, I need it replaced ASAP, and estimates put the matter at “between 5k and 10k” for the job… and that’s likely before Tariff shit started impacting everything. SO… between fixing the broken fucking deck, the broken fucking yard, and the broken fucking fence… I’ll have sunk almost $100,000 just into the outside of the house!! Not even siding, which the house could desperately use. Just.... making it safe to use my own backyard!! Clearly, this is a multi-faceted issue. Because I should just be happy that I have a house. And I should just be happy that, while it would be a significant financial hit, even something like this would not completely wipe me out financially. But it is frustrating.

HA! Totally different direction for a minute. You know how I’ve been an attorney for 10 years now? And how there are only 3 million residents in the entire state? And how criminals often re-offend, so that working within one county, you tend to see the same names over and over? This happens along certain “major roadways”, too. For example, criminals that would break the law in Des Moines would often find themselves driving up Interstate 35 and being involved in violations of law in Ames as well. Apparently, much the same can be said for Highway 20. I have a Violation of No Contact Order scheduled for next week. When I saw the names of the people involved, I thought: Is this again or still?! because the name was… incredibly familiar to me. But as I looked into the case? The No Contact Order was issued in 2019 in a different county… where I was the prosecutor. HA! No wonder the name seemed so familiar. I’ve been the “Stop harassing your ex” referee for this couple in all the counties they’ve lived in for the last 6 years! Hell, the initial crime happened in the town where I lived so I distinctly remember the specific house where the crime occurred as it was on my walk route with Nala!

Y’know, I do have to say? As little as there was in my last town, the fact that I could walk it and do so frequently was nice. A big winding path that covers the whole town that Nala and I could walk down. A nice big house that had been renovated/updated just before moving in. In some ways, I feel like I got to the right place just at the wrong time. If I was happily married, had kids, and was looking to just… work and keep going.... that would have been a good place. Even had some community theater to keep that particular hobby going strong. But towns like that are absolutely poison for Single Adults. Especially when you add in the complexities of someone like me. Conservative Enough that I prosecute crime; Liberal Enough that I vehemently oppose gay bashing… so I didn’t have a place in that town’s social world. Husband/Father would have been my best in. So I couldn’t stay. Even still… while I say “right place, wrong time”… it was clearly the exact perfect time. Going to a sleepy, calm area without everything else clearly established that Nancy had no desire to see the marriage grow, deepen, or become healthy. It was the right place/right time to show, once and for all, that I couldn’t keep my marriage going. It was clearly the perfect time because just as I was resolving to try to return to Theater; that local theater offered me a role sight unseen. That town in that time pulled me back into theater. And for better or worse, I did learn a lot and enjoy a lot in my kinky polyamory experiment… which could only have happened in that time and in that place. And then through that? I was thinking about this last night. Victoria is the one who told me about Shakespeare in the Garden. Victoria is the one who encouraged me to audition for this outdoor show an hour away. A show that, but for COVID, I wouldn’t have even been able to be in. And getting into that show truly and utterly changed the trajectory of my life. So… I loved that town.... in a lot of ways. And maybe, someday, I suppose there is a possibility that I could go back there. But for what it is worth.... I suppose while it felt like the right place at the wrong time… it really was the right place at the right time for what I needed at the moment.

I can be stupid sometimes. I was reading the Opinion Section of an Online News Source.... an activity that is generally poor for my health; and I saw an Opinion Piece I was, at first, excited to read. It played to my question from yesterday. Isolation and Dating App “abuse” is driving men into Alt Right Pipelines; commodifying personal connection means we can make a profit on keeping people lonely while torturing them in a series of Hope-Disappointment-Dismay- Hope cycles. I had asked about women. Some were able to point me to literature pointing out that there is a version for women… that the Dating App and Commodification of Relationships is radicalizing women in different ways, too. This Opinion Piece I was reading seemed to be about this question, in a way. A woman was asking about AI Boyfriends and trust me… literally every Advertisement I get that isn’t a Dating App is an Advertisement for an AI Girlfriend or Customizable Sexy Chatbot or what have you. SO… seeing another place where our ever fucked up world is hitting women and men with similar advertisements… how do our genders and our gender perspectives differ in this approach? WELL… the article went on to mostly be about how.... men are trash, most men being successful on dating apps are entertaining multiple women, and an AI Boyfriend might be just what the doctor ordered if you’re looking for emotional support. So allow me a powerful WHAT THE FUCK right here. Leaving aside the “We shouldn’t be blindly supporting AI as we are” .... and ignoring the “Everything should be profit generating, even relationships”.... can we address the primal heart of this bullshit? YES… truth is there are a LOT of men on Dating Apps who are not truthful and/or are seeing multiple women. And those guys suck. But as ever it isn’t gendered. People who are using people, people who are lying to people, people who don’t care if their behavior hurts others? THOSE PEOPLE SUCK and it is not gender exclusive, nor is it sexual preference exclusive. You most certainly cannot tell me that every lesbian in the world has never been cheated on, abused, lied to, used, or hurt. So, basing your article’s premise on “Yeah, men suck, right?” already seems to be.... journalistically hollow. But then taking an additional step back? IF ANYONE IS TELLING YOU TO ABANDON HUMANITY FOR A PROFIT DRIVEN ALTERNATIVE you cannot take what they say seriously until you at least verify financial independence. As a FOR INSTANCE.... let’s say I own the Country’s best Video Call service. Makes Face Time look like a pager. And every time anyone uses that service, I make money. NOW if someone came to me asking about online therapy versus in-person therapy.... if I start saying “abandon in person therapy; only do online therapy” one must wonder if that is because I turn a profit on the selection. All that being said, though, I also certainly cannot disparage a person wondering if an AI Online Fantasy would be preferred to the current bullshit drudgery. Having a social need filled.... even in an ersatz, profit-driven way, is still having an important social need filled. And I would be lying if I suggested I hadn’t thought of it myself. It’s… Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep for the new era. Which is REALLY funny because the entire “Ersatz Animals meeting a social need” thing was almost entirely cut from Blade Runner but the “Ersatz Creation meeting a need” thing was totally brought back in Blade Runner 2049 in the character of Joi and it turns out that the Blade Runner 2049 “ersatz creation meeting a need” may be more exactly what life turns out to be.
If nothing else, what I can take from that Opinion Piece is that.... Dating App Culture and Dating App failure certainly does influence the isolation we’re all feeling. Men aren’t getting connected, so are feeling more isolated, and are subject to Alt Right Pipelines and Incel culture. Meanwhile, apparently, women are getting connected with the same 10% of men who can best be defined as takers; so women form their own echo chambers about how men are trash, men cheat, and men are no good. AND THEN DO WE SEE HOW THESE CONFLICTING OUTCOMES ENHANCE EACH OTHER? If the men who AREN’T getting picked are sucked up into these Alt Right Hellscapes where they are told “Women hate you. Your problems are women’s fault!”..... and then the women who are being abused by dating apps fall into these Social Spaces where they are saying, “Men hate you. Men are the problem!”............. do you see how those “algorithms” feed each other to contribute to a ceaseless cycle that only benefits those who seek Wealth and Power?! After enough of that- you don’t even need the dating apps enforcing the isolation.... the attitudes will do it for them! “Don’t be friends with the opposite gender. Don’t try to understand them. Don’t connect with them on any level. Follow only me. Listen to only me. Support only me.” It’s abysmal. And I honestly don’t know how to change it. Because it is these same social evils that are contributing to the Loss of Empathy destroying our world. We don’t see people who are different, we don’t interact with them, we don’t have spaces where we share things. I guess.... just one more Social Burden to throw on the Pyre of Civilization at this point?

Sorry for going on so long about that. It’s just… the world has changed so much. Yeah, I was made fun of for it mercilessly as a kid but… my social circle used to be MOSTLY women. Then Nancy came along and, to make sure she wasn’t jealous, my social circles changed. It was more “My long distance friends are women, my nearby friends are mostly men w/one woman”. Then Law School, my social circle was “wide” but mostly men… and now we’re all scattered to the winds with my closest friend from that experience being practically Mute! Then all the moving to try to establish a career and save the marriage? Then COVID and the things I’ve detailed in these pages? I used to be “so close to women I was considered a girl and people were waiting for me to come out” to now.... my friends are the people in Theater.... and I love them, I really do… and I’m sure they would be offended if I did not list them as friends.... but they’re certainly not the kind of friends I go get drinks with… or hang out at each others’ homes… or share deep personal things with. And I don’t know why. I don’t know if that is because I put up a “Professional Front” in Theater or if I’m standoffish or if people are just so ready to go home at the end of the night or.... I don’t know how or why that is. I feel most happy and most comfortable in the theater environment and yet… I don’t have people to play board games. That sounds so silly; but it is the most profound and serious way of describing it. In Law School, that was the best social period of my life because it was Friends Studying for Exams and Friends Hitting the Bars and Friends to Play DnD and Friends to Play Board Games and even Friends to Play Video Games. But that’s all gone now. And I honestly don’t know how to change that. But I do know it would go a long way towards helping me. This is another of those areas where I am not sure if this is something I missed due to my upbringing or if this is Modern Social Issues. I mean, my parents are both still in weekly communication with people they went to High School with! The models I saw of Friendship growing up were either “Make friends at work” or “Stay friends with people from High School!” And… well.... I do still have some friends from my High School Days. 2 of them, at least, to be precise. But we’re… very spread out. And friends at work? Well.... I.... kind of? I’ve grabbed a beer or two with the office. But we’re all overworked, overtired, and half of the office lives an hour or more away. So, I suppose this is the heart of it all. I’m… what… incapable of making actual friends? Or is this what I was dreading during COVID come to life? I’ve been out of social spheres for so long that the the momentum reversed. Because social people attract people and become more social. It’s also why a man with 2 women interested in him likely has a 3rd interested as well. The reverse is also true. Less social people attract less people and become less social. This practice is anecdotally supported by the In Theater/Out of Theater social waves in my own life. When I am in Theater and people see me perform.... I am at my most social and most confident; I tend to attract more people, and become more social. Outside of the theater… I am at my least social; and I sure as shit can’t seem to attract more people or become more social. I suppose this is good in its way. We’ve identified the problem. Now just.... try to figure out… how in the hell do we solve it.

Here’s some irony: The Local Singles Group (the one that hosted the Speed Dating) is hosting a Game Night! Which would be up my alley and directly related to what I was saying above! Except of course, I’m in rehearsals that day. So I can’t go. But just the same- it’s nice to know they are doing something like that. Of course, I’m sure it will cost money to attend and if it isn’t well attended, they might not do it again. But I just think the timing is funny. I was just talking about wanting people to play games with. It isn’t exactly social but I have a Democrat Meeting on Tuesday. So, my world “expands” to Theater and Democrats. A group I am already told is “all retired people” which… I don’t hold bad blood to retired people. And hey, people to hang out with are people to hang out with. I’m just… not entirely sure how to feel about all of it. But yeah- that’s funny that the day I’m talking about wanting people to play Board Games with, the Singles Company publicizes a Game Night Event.

But couldn’t get out of work without an attorney pissing me off, I guess.
Trial set for Monday. Defense attorney specifically said “We’re good on the deal.” Okay. SO I don’t call my witnesses in because Defense Counsel says they are accepting the deal. He just e-mailed me “Hey, can we change the deal?” THIS BOTHERS ME SO MUCH because it is one of those ways where THOSE WITHOUT HONOR SUCCEED OVER THOSE WHO POSSESS IT in the American System and it fucking GETS me. A man with honor would stand by the arrangement after agreed to. If his client throws a tantrum, the Honorable Man says to Opposing Counsel that his client has had a change of heart and the agreement is off. The case is then re-set for trial. A man without honor, after an agreement… if his client throws a tantrum, the Dishonorable Man says to his client, “I’ll see what I can do” and then goes and does something like THIS! “Hey, I know that if I hadn’t said we have an agreement, you’d have witnesses coming in 2 days. You can’t get them back that fast now. My guy doesn’t like the deal we agreed to. Give us a better one.” TRULY if our volume was not what it is, I would have said, “No. I’m revoking the deal entirely! And if you seek to force me into trial on Monday, I will file our e-mail exchange to establish that the State was told by Defense that we had an agreement!!” Instead, I tried to appeal to logic. The agreement was for 50% responsibility, you’re asking for 10% responsibility… I won’t budge from 25% responsibility and mark you, I do that reluctantly as it is! And right now we’re in the.... we’ll see what happens stage. And, sure, I mean, yeah… I get it! I AM IN A BUSINESS KNOWN FOR BEING FILLED WITH DISHONORABLE PEOPLE… I, myself, have had to seem dishonorable when I am taking a plea deal to get a case resolved instead of putting a victim on a stand who can’t get out of their way enough to not throw the case. And if you need specific examples, I can give them but as a blanket statement.... if you are getting divorced and can’t edit how much you hate your ex, you testifying during a Domestic Violence trial is no guarantee at victory! BUT THE WHOLE POINT of the law is that agreements are binding. You go fucking around your honor on that shit and… this is a relationship business. Have some fucking honor!

A few hours later, in a quiet moment of my day, y’know what popped into my head?? How I was hurt and a little upset about Laura disappearing entirely. I understand that we don’t do this anymore… despite the fact that I still do… but if you decided that you didn’t want to keep engaging in any form of communication? Just “Hey, sorry. I think this isn’t working out.” or something. The point of the early dating stage is to see if the Talking Phase can go further. Going from a talking phase to silent seems more acceptable. Going from a Dating Phase to “not texting back” seems… well, childish I guess but what do I know? Ultimately, I guess I’m disappointed but a little upset.
It would be obsessive and unhealthy, but I’m tempted to start religiously tracking Dating App shit to prove a point. Like… how much spent, how many attempts, how genuine or sincere the attempts, versus how many EVER match back or EVER have even a single word to say or MAY actually have a conversation or MIGHT someday actually be a date. Because I think there’s a lot of.... just not knowing out there. People who don’t know how this Dating App Culture has dehumanized connection and leads so strongly into these Isolation Models.