Hopelessness in In My World

Anybody else feeling a little hopeless these days? Well, a specific kind of hopeless. Not suicidal or anyting like that, just…hopeless.

Let me see if I can explain…

So I’m still unemployed. Mostly because I wanted to take a break from working…after 6 years of working somewhere that treated me like absolute garbage and was killing me most days. I have ADHD and I REALLY don’t want to go get another traditional 9 to 5. I hate it. I hate not having time to do anything. I hate only being home for a couple hours and then having to sleep just to work, just to come home for a couple hours, just to sleep…You see where I’m going with this?

I’ve thought a lot about content creation but I know it’s a lot harder to get started than it used to be, and I’m not sure anyone would even want to watch my content. I want to start the craft business that I have been talking about for over a decade, but, again, really really hard to get started. I have the products! I can definitely make more and make a backstock of some things before posting. I don’t have a specific niche and I don’t know where to start. I need to do some more research. I want something sustainable that I can actually enjoy doing. Don’t get me wrong, I love working with kids, but the adults in charge are…well it’s the same anywhere you go, with any job. I don’t want retail. I want something where I can use my beautiful, intelligent, creative brain in such a way that doesn’t make me want to jump off a bridge 24/7. I’d love to open an indoor play room for kids but you need several thousand dollars to start as well as somewhere to have it. Spaces I could rent or buy are INSANELY expensive right now.

Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, Hopelessness.

I’m 30 years old, unemployed, living in a family member’s unfinished basement. I have no idea where to go from here. I feel like I’m stuck in the same rut I’ve been in since I was 17. People are having to have multiple roommates well into their 30s. Jobs don’t pay a living wage. People are having children later or not having them at all because no body can afford shit. I wish it was as easy as “pull yourself up by the boot straps and work your ass off” but like. It’s a losing battle. every day. Sure, I could go work at sheetz or walmart or even another childcare place, but even if I save every single penny that isn’t for bills, I’d still barely be breaking even. It’s not even like I have a lot of frivolous bills or anything, just necessities. A chunk of each paycheck goes to a retirement fund/social security that the government consistently says will probably run out before I’m even old enough to claim it. They’re saying people are “wanting” to work longer and/or retire later. That’s bull. My entire generation is going to have to work until they’re like 80 to have ANY hope of having enough money to not have to work until they die. I’m so tired. I don’t have another 50 years of this bullshit in me, I just don’t. And as far as having children goes, It’s not even just about the money. It’s about wanting to raise them better than we were raised and not having to worry about basic human necessities.

Maybe I’m exaggerating. Maybe it just is as easy as “work hard, save money”. Or there’s the solid possibility that I’m not being pessimistic at all, just realistic. We are all struggling. Yes, even you.

My boyfriend and I have been having a lot of serious conversations about the future and the things we want. We want almost all of the same things but how the entire fuck do we get there from here? The economy is so fucked that even if we bought/rented somewhere together, we likely couldn’t afford it on our own. I just want some land and an old house that I can fix up and make a real home. I just want to start our homestead/compound where our friends are close and we all help each other raise our families, farms, and futures together. I know so so so many people who want this too, but no one has any way of obtaining the land. I’ve got the green thumb to be able to grow enough food for us, or at least mostly. I know how to sew, I know how to fix things, I’m good with kids and animals. Hell, the dystopia we are already living in is training me for all the apocalypse-level bullshit that may never even happen.

I just. I long for a life where we can actually do the things we want to do and not just what we have to. I don’t want to have to check my account before going to buy groceries. It’s not even like I want to be rich, I just want to have enough that I never have to worry about the bills being paid or whether or not I can afford food. All I really want is stability.

So, yeah. Hopeless. Longing for a future that may never happen because the rich people get richer while the rest of us fight to survive. Hopeless, like maybe I’ll never get the chance to have children like I always wanted to. Hopeless like this is exactly the same hell I’ll be in when I’m 50, when I’m 80.

Things will get better because they have to, but for now, just know that I’m being realistic.