Entry 65: Words to the Void in Much Ado About Nothing

Yes, I am just about positive I have used “Words to the Void” as a title before.

To fill time, I’ve been reading Prosebox more. Others entries, my own, my history, etcetera. And throughout what I am about to say? Just know that I know people are different. In every way. Hit “random select” on Prosebox (not a real feature) and you might get a 21 year old sorority girl trying to balance her modeling career and school work… or you might get a 75 year old man trying to adjust his life around a forced retirement he’s still not thrilled about… or you might get a 32 year old woman struggling to make a decision about her marriage… or you might get a 45 year old man facing hard choices in his career and family.... there are ALL types here. So please embrace that I am aware of that and that any “generic speaking” herein stems from my failures as a writer and not my lack of understanding about this space.

But I started reading some folks at random. So, the people I am fortunate to have on my friends list, people I am fortunate to follow, and people I’ve never read much from. And I read without judgment but some thing grabbed my surprise and my “How do people do that?” reaction.
A woman who was feeling lukewarm over a long distance maybe romantic possible individual was also considering how she was glad her FWB was respecting her desire to not be sexually active as she contemplated this stage of her life.
A woman who has an absolute smorgasbord of men who would be more than happy to give her sexual release; but she isn’t sure if she wants that but she’s not sure if she wants a relationship either, not that she thinks she could have one- generally or with any of the men who want her.
A young man who was bemoaning his success at the bars, being able to pull with ease but to never build anything that satisfied his soul… and how that felt inconsistent with who he thought he was supposed to be.
A young man who was acknowledging his past, sowing wild oats, and happy with his present, albeit unsure of how to fix the damage in his current relationship.

All were fascinating. All of them, on some level, made me think, “I don’t even know how you go about obtaining any of that. A FWB wouldn’t necessarily be rejected by me at this point, but I recognize the emotional conflict. Wanting something but not sure if you’re finding it. And while it would be nice to have a whole bevvy of women want me, I can also acknowledge- I wouldn’t handle that well. At all. Would life be a little easier if I could pull any woman at a bar? Maybe. But I can’t say that I would be the person I am now. So if I was able to pull anyone anywhere… I’m not exactly sure I could convince any of them to be that something more that I do know I want.

And then the “acknowledging his past” sent me to my own past entries. Of course, anymore, the only ones really worth reviewing are the ones with Victoria and Essen. Anything else is almost completely devoid of anything interesting or non-work related… they’re certainly the only ones with any interesting sexual expression. And in reading my own writing? I acknowledge “Okay, the poly thing was crazy and wild. Not something you would have done but for COVID lockdown. And it certainly wasn’t terribly emotionally filling for you in any way. But you did grow a lot. You did feel love in physical, mental, and emotional ways that you had not felt to that point and have not felt since.

To the point of… to the idea of.... but for the “memory of those experiences”… reading the old entries was a bit like reading the entries of the other people above. It feels like a different lifetime. A different person. And… on some level… I can feel the thought living inside of me: How does this version of me get to anything like that? I don’t want that exact situation again. I am too old, too busy, and too tired to try to chase after the broken relationships, chaotic mental organization, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and unnecessary drama experienced through that specific lens. But… a friend IRL that I can have real conversations with? That would be nice to have again. A woman for whom I feel deep genuine affection and passionate love? That would be really nice. A woman with whom I could share time, energy, travel, my bed, my body, my heart..... of course that would be nice. But I keep coming to that “But I’m not sure how to do that.” Because… the apps certainly don’t feel like a path for me. Not a path for me for a number of reasons. And the speed dating? Sure. I’ll keep that up! I mean… spending between $35 and $50 per month for the opportunity to meet strangers who may or may not ever connect in any way what so ever does feel.... suspect but it’s a lot more hopeful than doing nothing.
And the irony of some of this is that… sometimes my brain will respond with the “Okay, but you broke up with Hermia. So… I don’t want to hear your shit.” And while, yes, there was a sexual relationship there… the “LEAVE HER” was deafening. This week I thought frequently both how having a supportive, physical partner would have made this week easier to cope with… simultaneously acknowledging how trying to get through this last week with Hermia would have made things more exhausting, painful, and.... instead of having the energy to even have introspective thoughts.... I would have been either exhausted, furious, in pain, or frustrated past the point of words. Which may be a frustratingly mature hiccough in my own bullshit. I would love to have something light and breezy right now. Or passionate and moving. Or even passionate and breezy, get some real weird contradictions in vibe going. But throughout all of that… there’s this “but it needs to be healthy” to it. There’s this “it needs to be mutual, the whole way.” Which… considering what some of the APP conversations would lead you to believe.... this is the wrong era to want that! To want a relationship of mutuality in an age of “What do you bring to the table?” and “If he wanted to, he would”..... I’m only 40 years old. I still have a full head of hair and could likely play a character as young as 30. But this topic especially makes me feel very old. Like a wizened old man, with a long white beard, leaning heavily on a walking stick that has seen many miles. “Children, gather round, and let your Great Great Grandfather tell you of the time he was in High School and women actually fought over him! It’s true! What? No, I simply thanked them and thought it an interesting thing to happen- I never did anything more than that. A lifetime of memories, mostly of the things that almost happened.”

I think that’s why I’ve had a lifetime obsession with Time Travel and why, especially between the Separation and the Cule starting, I spent so damned much of my time contemplating my own past. Because… I didn’t do a lot of things because I factored that the potential positive weighed against the potential negative.... either the probability was too high on the potential negative, or the potential positive outcome was not equal to or greater than the potential positive outcome. That seemed… like reasonable math. To put into more practical terms
Contemplate coming to a fork in a road. There are two hallways.
One hallway is a straight shot to the exit but filled with massive traps, huge gaps, armed guards.
One hallway is a winding tunnel that has no traps but is likely to take you somewhere else that may or may not lead to the exit.
The straight shot to the exit has the positive outcome you’re looking for.... but the perils throughout seem insurmountable. For me back then the thinking would be, Better to keep working through the tunnels to find a more reasonable path to the exit.
So… a part of me is always curious.... how would things have gone had I made the other choice? An incredibly reasonable and common train of thought for humans, certainly.

The attractive quiet girl at church… the one who said I had been the reason she didn’t kill herself… I didn’t date her because I felt that “You’re why I didn’t kill myself” was a really unhealthy place to start a relationship. And while that is factually true… what would have happened if we had dated?
The blond girl in Orchestra whose potential I saw.... the one that admitted to re-writing Beastie Boys song “Girls” to be “Chris”.... I was the first person that saw what she was going to become.... if I’d approached her, what would have happened? Would that have interrupted what she was to become? Would I have been able to hitch a ride on that rocket? Would I have really dragged her down?
The tall model that allegedly fought my friend Jane over both of them liking me… if I’d indulged in that whole thing, what would have happened? Would I have lost Jane as a friend? Would things have worked out with the model?

Just where my mind is right now. Think nothing of it.