Blue Monday in Current Events

I hit my breaking point with my content addiction.

The worst of my content addiction is pornography. I was frustrated with my therapist in my last session when I told him that I wanted to tackle my porn addiction. He did not seem to understand how that could be harmful behavior. He kept pressing me to tell him how it was affecting my life. To add insult to injury, after decades of consuming pornography, he wanted me to develop a value system against it on the spot. It’s like asking someone who’s always been lost to suddenly map out a destination. I don’t have those answers. It’s just toxic, I want to stop.

The doom scrolling is robbing me of the present. Yesterday, my sister had to tell me to put my phone down so I could watch the movie we selected. I am actual trash. That is how I felt after that.

I woke up this morning feeling a little depressed. My sister’s kids are too old to play with me now. I’m going to start taking them out the way I do my kids at work. I just need to adapt. They’re older, that is all. Our adventures will just be bigger and better.

I took my grandmother grocery shopping today. I didn’t feel present. My mind has 99 tabs open. That breaks my heart for no reason. I want to be present for her. For everyone. I’m too in my head. I will correct this.

I have to force myself to be uncomfortable in silence and let all of my suppressed thoughts and emotions bubble up so that I can build some resilience. My brain is manipulating me. It is using the pain of boredom to get me to chase its dopamine.

I have been approaching everything all wrong. Building willpower is what I have been doing. I need to reduce the cravings and impulses. I can only do that by letting myself suffer a little bit. I have my little action plan. We shall see if I can commit.

I am unable to relax. I went ice fishing on the weekend for the first time. I didn’t know how to sit still. I could see why people like fishing. I suppose I don’t feel control in the stillness. Internally I am not in control. This Wednesday I go to a thermal spa. Will I be able to relax? I hope so.

My ADHD wrote off my day because one thing did not go according to plan. I did not let it win. I forced myself to do everything that needed to be done. I will continue with that after this entry. I needed a break. Of course, this could be the ADHD all-or-nothing… ugh, I don’t know where I end and ADHD begins.

On with it then. I have a lot of energy that I need to burn.