Entry 55: Big Stretch in Much Ado About Nothing

Okay, so I’ll admit, I started this entry Thursday night mostly with the intent of writing my TikTok video script because when I’m talking about something that isn’t a political perspective, I want to make sure I’m not rambling too much like a mad man. Except of course… what I write tends to take WAY more than 10 minutes to say. Which says something about me that isn’t always a good thing. So I do my videos as “part what I wrote” and “part off the cuff”. Which means I do tend to ramble considerably and say LOTS AND LOTS of things that are not written down or even resemble any of what was written down.
Here are the written forms of video I did on 2/20- feel free to let me know what you think.

(1) Hello there! Lots to cover, not least of which that this is February 20th and we have had 1 month under Trump. Can you believe it has only been a month? And as anyone who has destroyed a Lego City can tell you, what he destroyed in 1 month will take us MUCH longer to rebuild. If we ever can. Speaking of rebuilding right now is rather a lot like using a shot glass to bail water for the Titanic; but too many people are already thinking “We’ll be okay in 4 years.” We won’t be. There’s honestly zero hope of that. But if we don’t start working NOW, there’s less hope. (I then went deeply into how THE TITANIC is the perfect metaphor for where the USA is right now. The billionaires are in the life boats, marginalized people are drowning in steerage, some of us are running around the ship hoping to help or hoping to escape, and some people are still on the deck chairs sipping a drink complimenting the intelligence of the Captain and the Billionaires for getting us into this position.)

(2) SPEAKING of Hope, though, I wanted to talk today about something I don’t talk much about. Intentionally. Now, I am currently single. I do mention this sometimes, but more- I am on the dating apps, I paid for an exclusive Speed Dating Event- even a slow, poorly built algorithm knows “I am single, looking, and willing to spend money on my pursuit.” So this might be something of a massive self-own, but that means the bots and the scammers come out in droves. And I noticed something that makes sense but needs to be pointed out. When I try to carry on a conversation with a woman on the dating apps, it is very different than the scammers. Examples of some Dating App Conversations:
I say, “Hi there! I saw you liked hiking, are you braving the cold weather or waiting for thaw to get hiking?
They’ll say, “I’m waiting for thaw.” And that’s it. Nothing more. No follow up. No nothing. NOW these are women who MATCHED with me. They’ve already said yes to me on some level. But zero engagement. Another similar example:
The Dating App says “ask me about my favorite hiking spot” so I say, “Hi! I would love to hear about your favorite hiking spot!” They’ll say, “I like hiking in the desert. Like Arizona.” K. You selected this topic, I’ll continue. So I’ll say, “Oh awesome, I have family in Arizona. Is there a preferred trail or national park?” And they’ll say, “No.” Just… that. ZERO exchange, so of course it goes nowhere. There’s nothing, no give and take at all. Compare that to the scammers? Here’s my most recent example yet- THEY text ME and say, “Hey! What are you looking for on this site?” even though it is clearly listed in my profile. And I’ll answer and ask them the same question. They often don’t respond to my question. But they’ll say, “I’m a student studying psychology what are your interests?” AND RIGHT AWAY- do you see how the scammers know and understand to GET engagement there is this exchange of information. I tell you something and ask for information from you; you tell me something and ask for information from me. Now, true, the scammers always end with “So follow me on OF so I know you’re a safe man to meet some day.” So, of course, massive alarm bells there. But there’s this HUGE chasm. “I’m a woman on a dating app. I don’t want to talk to the guy I matched with. Why is he trying to talk to me?!” versus “I’m a scammer on a dating app. I want to try to hook engagement. Why won’t you give me money to subscribe to my naughty pictures and videos?”
I know women are bombarded by matches and men rarely get any; but is engaging in a conversation on a dating app really that.... horrible? Isn’t that the very reason we’re using dating apps? TO find connection, to talk to someone, to meet someone? What’s the deal?

In 2016, apparently I took the quiz from http://www.thebookoflife.org/self-knowledge-questionnaire/. This entry (https://www.prosebox.net/entry/408463/from-the-front/?nav=author) showed the results of 2016 Chris- still married, working ungodly hours with no safety at the Law Library, never having been a Prosecutor or Divorced or anything that has happened in the 9 years since. What are the current results?
Who is to say as the link doesn’t connect back to the actual questionnaire anymore. I was genuinely hoping for some interesting insight, something that could either show how/if I’ve grown and/or what has remained the same… what is holding me back… that kind of thing. Then again, 10 years on the internet is an EPOCH so expecting to return to a website so many years later to find the thing (1) present; or (2) the same is rather a bit like visiting an ocean beach 10 years later hoping to find the same seashell.

Court this morning had some relatively long delays, so sitting around and waiting for my turn to speak or participate- my mind wandered. Little surprise. But it wandered strangely. It floated to this place of almost giddy nervousness “I have a date tomorrow morning.” I’ll be honest… I don’t typically feel “giddy/nervous”. Even when meeting new people. I don’t think I have high hopes for tomorrow. At least to my conscious mind, I keep thinking of it more as a business interview than anything else. But… the more I sit and just listen to myself, the more I realize that there is some… authentic hope that this turns romantic. And I use that word specifically. This isn’t “fuck, I want to get laid” as the libido is frankly silent in this affair. It’s just this honest… desire to kindle a romantic connection. Which is important to understand considering my previous contact with this woman was strictly a 3 minute conversation and an almost impersonal text exchange. This is one of those “Romantics must be wary of their own romanticism” things. OBVIOUSLY, I want a romantic partner. I don’t think I could believably lie about that here even if I wanted to. BUT it is important to make sure we are assessing the individual and the building connection from a clearheaded perspective. Not to “rush into something because it could meet a desire or need”. But intelligently, cautiously, with full awareness- I need to go into this situation with hope, but no expectations… be open with a smile; but not so open that I ignore things. Hope for something, don’t force it. Want something, but don’t blindly grab for anything. Go forward while being wary of the Greek parable A starving man does not choose his meal.

In totally random news: I’ve finally stumbled across Epic: The Musical. Fuck it’s stupid that I wasn’t aware of this until now! As a child, I was very into Greek Myth. I remember going out of my way to read The Odyssey and after reading it, racing to the library to check out the movie with Armand Assante. Hell, to this day when I hear Calypso, I think Vanessa Williams! And me being interested in a musical should be no more shocking than a 49ers fan being interested in a San Francisco Football game. So… not being aware of Epic The Musical until now… is silly. But perhaps not as silly as.... there is a song in EPIC that sounds in no way like a Flight of the Concords song. But for some reason, after listening to it- I wind up with “Jenny” stuck in my head. Which feels like a synaptic misfire, if I may say so!!

In similar news, I’ve learned that there is a significant difference between The Sound of Music the movie and The Sound of Music the musical. And I am left with a similar question as always. “How do I best dedicate my time and resources to the thing or things I want?” And this forces me to acknowledge a hierarchy of needs and desires that lives within me. Because with endless time and endless resources, I’d get everything done. I’d have a gym membership and a personal trainer, and always cook healthy meals, and I’d have a singing coach, and I’d pay an Organizing and Interior Decorating company to help with the house and on and on. But limits force us to take inventory. So honestly, looking at all of the “Ways to Spend Time”… my hierarchy probably goes
THEATER
NALA
ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP
PHYSICAL HEALTH
HOUSE
FRIENDSHIPS
Which.... at the end of the day means… I would more likely spend time and money on Theater than anything else. All of this leads up to something, I promise. You see, if I don’t have a romantic relationship after Shakespeare concludes this year? Then there’s really only ONE conditional determinant on if I procure a voice coach. And that is: What shows will CFCT do? They still haven’t announced their season as their season starts in June. So, I’ve no idea what CFCT is going to do after their June show (which I couldn’t do because of Shakespeare).
This
topic made
me think of
something I should speak
about.
I previously spoke about the dichotomous push/pull in me that always feels like a pretty distinctive inheritance from my parents. SCHEDULING is another of those where I feel massive internal dichotomy.
Having a schedule, writing it down, completing it… I like that.
But I also tend to feel often a feeling of rebellion even towards myself. This pushback of “No! You don’t get to dictate everything I am going to do from a distant time. I appreciate that you knew X, Y, Z had to be done before we could do what was scheduled for April 12th. But ‘X finished on or before March 5’? Fuck you! You have no idea if I suddenly have a heavy case load, or a date, or if I’m sick. Fuck you!” And I wish that wasn’t such an accurate capsule summary.
Because speaking of theater and possible options ahead, it came to me that I could write up a calendar including all of my task needs broken down to a day by day schedule. Like “Begin memorizing Shakespeare Audition on X date” then “Have Shakespeare audition memorized by X date”. Because I am (a) reasonably certain that Shakespeare Auditions will be April 5th or April 12th; (b) while it is subject to change, I can certainly access and pre-prepare for almost everything I have at work from now until March 28th. Like… if I didn’t have this Protest Spirit fighting me, I could arguably schedule the next three weeks tightly and I can see benefit in that. On this day: do these things, cook this meal, resolve this action item. I could do that. But I can’t even get my daily work TO DO shit done without using energy against The Fight. Because… I don’t know what neurodivergence this is… but it feels like excess energy mistargeted. I know and can feel deep in my spirit that we are at a point where WE MUST FIGHT! Iowa is rolling out even more anti-trans, anti-education, and anti-public laws. The Federal Government is openly having a field day telling anyone and everyone to go eat shit, there ARE NO checks and balances. I can see, I am informed, I know all of this needs to be fought against!! But I can’t fight against it. Instead I can fight against (me) the asshole telling me to ignore it all and get back to work at my job THAT IS ABOUT JUSTICE! So I fight back against the Daily To Do List: “Prepare for Monday’s Trials. Prepare for Tuesday’s Hearings. Prepare for Wednesday’s Hearings. Call X in Kansas about why we attempted to inform him of his child’s truancy. Call Y in Tennessee about being the victim and witness of an assault that, if she wants to help us convict, we’ll need her to testify. Call Z in Philadelphia because she says all of the traffic tickets under her name are probably her sister using her ID. E-Mail Attorney to see about Guilty plea. E-Mail attorney to see about resolution. E-Mail attorney about his demand for dismissal. E-Mail Defendant on her demands that I represent her in her criminal trial. File Motion to Continue. File another motion to continue. Respond to new e-mail 1. Respond to new e-mail 2. Respond to new e-mail 3. Respond to new e-mail 4. Respond to new e-mail 5. Respond to new e-mail 6. Respond to new e-mail 7. Respond to new e-mail 8. Respond to new e-mail 9. Respond to new e-mail 10. Respond to new e-mail 11.” It’s like.... NO! NO! I will not sit here and be the butt monkey for everyone to demand, demand, demand. So I fight the person most responsible for making these demands, myself.