Entry 54: Counting 20s in Much Ado About Nothing

Let’s do this one slightly out of order-

As I walked into the office this morning, I saw the wall calendar with a big bold black lettering 20 on it. And it slapped me in the face with rage, dismay, and fear. Trump was inaugurated on January 20. It’s only been a fucking MONTH. One month. One month to burn the federal government down. One month to sow chaos and destruction. One month to turn all of Europe into our enemies instead of our allies and turn Russia into our co-conspirator as we rush towards being a new Axis Power. ONE MONTH to say that the Supreme Court no longer has his permission to interpret law, like that isn’t specifically a function of the Supreme Court. In ONE MONTH, he’s made the Republicans look like kowtowing cowards and the Democrats look like absentee cowards. ONE MONTH. And, if the Constitution is followed, we have to go through this until January 20, 2029. He’s done all of this in ONE month and he has FORTY SEVEN more months. And again that is IF he follows the Constitution.... which in 1 month, he has already declared that only HE can interpret. So, I genuinely think it isn’t a stretch to think there will be a legitimate attempt to make sure he stays in office until he dies. NO JOKE, NO HYPERBOLE. And considering the Republican Majority has already said, “Violate the Constitution harder, Daddy!” and the Democratic Minority has already said, “Well, we can’t really do or say anything because we don’t have any power”… there doesn’t exactly seem to be anything STOPPING him.

Anyway, last night, I did secure a date with Irish Name. For the RAD, I’ll have to think of something interesting, though I’ll take you through my process right now. Clearly, I like the name AOIFE meaning radiant beauty but (obviously) that is already an important and almost scared figure in my life. So, I turn to my favorite lineup of Celtic Woman which is the 2007 Live At Slane Castle group. From there, I consider my favorite songs: Si Do Mhaimeo I, Caledonia, and the Spanish Lady. Who were the featured soloists or stand out performers there and what were their first names? Méav, Lisa, and Órla. So, we’ll see which of those winds up being it. But yes, we did schedule a date. She was fine with Saturday and with coffee, but wanted it to be early in the morning (on a Saturday). So we’re meeting at 9 a.m. at the coffee joint across the street from CFCT. EARLY and… we’ll see how it goes. But I can’t help but think (and cling to) the notion of… as long as I’m trying, I can’t give up which is absolutely Fortune Cookie Logic because it is redundant and, upon deeper reflection, doesn’t mean anything. Because if I’m not trying, I’ve already given up.

But I had plenty of time to consider it last night. I’m trying to show myself considerable grace generally right now. This entire week, high temperatures were in the single digits, so the “cower in your homes” is the go-to for everyone (much to Nala’s deep chagrin.) It’s one of the funny things about the Winter to Spring shift that I’ve poorly articulated my entire life. During college, it was always an explosion of visual and hormonal overload. Months of seven layers and snow and bitterly cold walks to class and then, almost as if by miracle, the campus turns green, women put on much less clothing and always brightly colored, and start just laying around the fields trying to soak up sun for their Spring Break trips or pending Summer Festivities. Considering how the average age of Social Media Beauty or Dating App Scammer seems to be between 20 and 25, I’ve been considering myself at that age and how much the world in every way has changed since then. And how, frankly, I do have stricter standards to whom I will date. I understand that the prevailing “beauty theory” is that everything starts going downhill after 25, but I’ve seen literally thousands of people who put that kind of thinking to shame. There are many women who become more beautiful over time. There are many women who reach their “peak” at 30, 40, 50- even. But that said.... my own experiences “in the world” are quick to point out… I am not going to catch the attention of anyone even remotely around “peak” nor, apparently, am I going to catch the attention of many that are Age Appropriate. I’m running into this DEEP under current of “He’s 40, he was married before, but he doesn’t have kids?” Which… feels like quite the double standard. We would be offended if a man treated a woman as lesser for reaching 40 without children in this world, this economy. Though, we do know it happens all the time, unfortunately. WAY OFF TOPIC there, I apologize. I had started this by discussing being more gracious with myself, especially due to the Winter Weather setting in. Because as an adult, yes- there is still the “WOW! I don’t think I’ve seen you without four layers on before!” but there’s also the very real understanding of how… people are not as willing to venture out into the Bitter Frost for Uncertain Events. The advent of Spring is really needed to properly assess if there are plentiful social options or not. Not that I need to wait, per se. My entire social calendar tends to be Theater, so when I’m not in a show- I look like a loser without a life; and when I am in a show- I look like someone with 6 of 7 days booked solid.

As I said at the beginning of the last paragraph that seemed to weave and wind mindlessly, I had a lot of time to think about it last night. I, again, tried to get in bed at a reasonable time. Especially if I am to be meeting a woman at 9 am for Best Impressions, I should start now to respect strict time demands. But I didn’t fall asleep until after 2 a.m. Laying in bed, trying to go to sleep, my mind being consumed with thoughts of our political strife, my own state’s rising fascism with supporting the very kinds of laws I was told separate us from the Communists… “you can never be arrested for reading a book the Government doesn’t like because we have FREEDOM”… fast forward to Iowa 2025- “we are trying to make it so that if you read a book the Government doesn’t like, we can arrest you AND the person who sold it to you, loaned it to you, or gave it to you.” We are at “After School Special” level of evil now. We are at, “We laughed at this in school growing up because there was no nuance. It was just Bad Person being Bad was obviously Bad.” Only… now apparently, we don’t have enough people that grew up with that. Or considering a full 50% of our Eligible to Vote Population is either Gen X, Boomer, or Silent Generation… maybe the problem is After School Special level Evil was how THEY viewed evil and now they’re just embracing it. I don’t know.

I couldn’t very well distract myself from the horrors of our Government by focusing on Social Life or Family or Friends, either. I’m a terrible friend and haven’t traveled to see people other than MBFITWW in months, maybe years. My Theater Friends I almost never see outside of a show. My family is… my family, and there are just some things I’ve learned to expect in that avenue. I know it is utter horseshit and I wouldn’t be surprised if it keeps me single forever; but that is one of the values of “The Family Unit”.... thinking Nancy or Essen. When Nancy and I were good, we had each other. Cooking together before watching a new movie together and then going to bed together? Yeah, it was… frustratingly platonic 99.99% of the time which certainly became a worse and worse issue. But at least there for a few years… it was someone to do stuff with. Or someone like Essen: play with the kids while she cooked, have this great familial feeling, then when the kids are to bed- have deep conversations, fun times, and dopamine releasing physical activity. For what it’s worth, I think that may have played a role in the Hermia shit. Like Nancy. Hermia really didn’t venture much further than ME as social network so… someone to do stuff with. And Hermia came with special needs, and a kid with special needs, and valued Physical Touch as something that should exist in a relationship. Like Essen, Of course, with no ill intent towards Hermia in saying this, but Hermia was no Essen. Which is also something to keep in mind as I go forward in dating. Have I already accepted that “there will never be another Essen” and so will accept “what I can get” or am I honestly and earnestly asking the right questions of myself and the situation? And then my mind spits back out, “Or, considering my life as it has been, should I always readily and happily accept ‘anything I can get’?” Which I understand logically is incorrect and unkind and I’ve gotten a lot of therapy to NOT be that guy. But I’ll tell you… working in Criminal Law has always made “inconsistent social life” a problem. Because I’ll see these 5 time convicted felons, disrespectful, violent, literally incapable of holding a job… and they will have DEDICATED baby mammas. Like… women who, even after finding out about each other, take the opportunity to try to “show their man why she’s the best”… visiting him more in jail, putting more money on the books for him, dressing in more revealing outfits for visits. And this 1 24 year old multiple felon has like 8 children all under 8 years old. And that starts the mental arguments in my head, too. As ever. Because of course I don’t want a 22 year old woman with 2 kids who’s hung up on some thug who solves his anger issues through violence. But I can’t exactly manifest a 37 year old woman who wants kids who’s proud of her career and hides her kinky side for those she trusts most. So, there we are.
BTW- there actually was a study done on this and it discovered that the incarcerated ARE more likely to have MORE children than the average population due to things like (1) impulse control; (2) bad decision making (3) not contemplating consequences; and (4) typically having multiple partners.

It’s funny in the most tragic way. People are quick to say that I am racist because I am a criminal prosecutor. And while I now freely admit my State and Federal Government are enacting White Supremacy Christian National policies; I don’t see skin color, I see cultural behavior. Meaning- there are certain neighborhoods or behaviors that make me think “Oh, I’m guessing something but I’ll see if it is true.” Which is a form of racism, at least one that people would argue. So I need to own that and be aware of it going forward. FOR INSTANCE: if the report I am reading shows “A man who was NOT originally involved inserted himself into the case and then began causing problems and being confrontational with officers”… 2 out of 3 times that man will be between 18 and 35 and will either be black or Bosnian. And that tends to hold up over time. And I don’t know enough about the Bosnian issue to speak intelligently about it. The Black Pushback makes a lot of sense to me. There’s a cultural “Fuck Pigs” mixing with “Pigs Kill Black Kids” which intermingles with young men at a time where their own masculinity is confused in a tidal wave of fragility and insecurity and expectations of violence so.... these things explode. “If this guy is gonna kill me anyway, I’m not going out like a bitch” leading to confrontation, hostility, and invariably a completely avoidable arrest. But I honestly don’t know if the Bosnian community is thinking similarly, or if things in Bosnia were/are still so bad as to create that internal narrative that is then brought here. OR, as I sometimes wonder, if this IS just straight up… Bosnian Gangs know we have a large Bosnian population so these violent, angry, confrontational young men are soldiers in a bigger war. I just don’t know. OH- and a funny thing about “racial divide” for our area? We do know that there are some Gangs in and around our area. But never from our native city ranks. We get nomads from Chicago and Atlanta that are bringing their trade and issues through town. But the folks that stay in town? It’s a LOT more common for the violence to be “Fuck you! You disrespected me so I’m going to shoot you” and a lot less “This is 803 territory, so you gotta die.”

And it is this kind of thing that shows (A) I was born and raised in Iowa; (B) but retain the sense of curiosity required to at least try to understand other people on some level; (C) while possession pattern recognition to see certain things repeating (D) but acknowledging that my own shortcomings and biases may color my recognitions. The Iowa GOP gets to say, “Immigrants and Blacks should be in prison or deported”.... which is why they are able to shotgun their platform. It’s easier, it’s less nuanced, it demands nothing of its supporters, and allows a person “permission” to just point at darker skinned people and say “BAD!” Now… while being NOT that is more challenging, demands more from a person, and makes you an Enemy in your own state… I’d rather be struggling with difficult things than being a fucking simpleton bequeathing all of my rights and faculties to people who quite literally cannot understand the theology they claim or the Constitution they swore an oath to (and are breaking that oath fucking constantly now).