ENTRY 53: Season 2 Episode 5 in Much Ado About Nothing

I am in a bad mood today.
I mean, it makes sense. Donald Trump signed an Executive Order saying the Supreme Court doesn’t exist and shouldn’t have any power. My own state government wants to eliminate all theater and the option to read books. There has never been so glaringly or so offensively the sirens scream of MAGA IS FACIST but, of course, the GUNS/TRUMP/CHRIST crowd in this state acts like it’s “Owning the Libs!” and celebrate as the very freedoms this country stood for are being dismantled.
And I’ll be honest… the fact that the Speed Dating Women didn’t respond to my texts? Coupled with the fact that the Speed Dating Organizer didn’t respond to my e-mail? Coupled with the fact that I e-mailed (in the end) almost forty Senators, NONE OF WHOM have responded back in any way?

All of that swirls together. Since I was a child being ignored has been a trigger for me. The easiest way to “deal with me” was to ignore me instead of (1) addressing the fact that I was in extreme pain; or (2) answering my fucking question. So “ignore me” has a built up issue. Then with the marriage, it got worse. Because Nancy’s “I’m upset and I’m upset that you’re upset so I’m going to ignore you until I’m not upset… which means YOU have to not be upset because I’ll just be upset about you being upset”. SO ignore me built into an even bigger issue for me. Add the “WE ARE LITERALLY TRYING TO DESTROY YOUR WORLD” to “Okay, everyone- ignore him! Don’t respond to his texts or e-mails!” It just… yeah. I am in a pretty foul fucking mood today.

And I’ll tell you, my mind does think back on two scenarios
(1) What if you were going through this and hadn’t broken up with Hermia?
(2) What if you were going through this and hadn’t broken up with Nancy?
As to the first? Honestly… I wouldn’t be insulated. I’d be exhausted, in pain, and forced to deal with the concerns and problems and complaints of Hermia and Brad and to basically just sit on my own. It would be even more toxic and deeply personally painful and hurtful. SO- despite the fantasy that “having a partner right now would at least maybe make me feel a little bit better” It definitely proves that “not in all scenarios.”
As to the second? I don’t know. Nancy had no interest in politics and lived as though it didn’t effect her. BUT the Only Horror Films and Memorizing Text Books Nancy wouldn’t have been any help. Because it would have been yet another area of my life where I was being systematically ignored and I would have become a lot more upset. I’m so upset presently that my mind is saying, “Yeah, but maybe if you had a wedding ring, women would pay attention” but, despite being gross (even if possibly true for some) I don’t actually need to be married to do that. IF I ever get through the Room of Boxes, I’ll find my jewelry and I could just… wear a ring on my “Wedding Finger” to test that bullshit.

Believe me when I tell you that my ability to do my job is significantly in jeopardy right now. Trump’s Executive Order specifically said that ONLY He and Bondi can interpret laws now. So… if the Supreme Court no longer has any power or authority, what the fuck am I doing with my day? If Iowa Law is going to say “no laws about guns, but you’re a felon if you read Maus, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY DAY?! And honestly… if I find doing my job unpalatable, and theater is being fucking outlawed, and I can’t get anyone other than blatant scammers to connect with..... starting to have that loud existential booming “WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT?!” Why keep struggling, why keep fighting, why keep going?! RFK wants to remove medications for being “addictive” because the “addictive property” is people need to take them once a day to treat chronic issues. And here’s where my brain gets really shitty because it spits out things that sound cruel and hateful and I don’t mean them to be. Because as I was writing “Why keep going?” my brain said, “I’m sure a lot of your Trans friends feel the same way.” And do you know what the knee-jerk reaction to that was? ALL OF MY TRANS FRIENDS ARE IN SUPPORTIVE RELATIONSHIPS! NONE of my Trans friends are facing shit alone. And the idea that I now need to download 18 different dating apps for the hope of maybe having one conversation that is more than 2 words or an attempt to get me on OnlyFans is offensive.

I live in a Country that is rapidly attempting to destroy itself. I work for a government that is rapidly attempting to charge full steam into Christian Nationalist Fascism. I am, apparently, not worth a coffee date and my social outlet is being targeted by my government as a FELONY. This really is the “Nala is all I got” of reasons for not doing something massively self-destructive as a form of protest and release. I get a ringside seat in my job to watch as people are violent, and cruel, and hateful towards each other. And the Iowa Law keeps trying to say, “Okay, but if they use a gun- they didn’t break the law.” More and more BYSTANDER FATALITY SHOOTINGS are being adjudged Not Guilty in our State. I’m reviewing footage of a cocky, entitled, white 20 year old shouting the N word using his phone while in handcuffs and he’s suing for police brutality because “the cuffs were too tight”. I get to see exactly how bad the REAL crime in our state is… meanwhile the State is apparently FINE with actual violent crime but UPSET at FUCKING READING AND THEATER. It just… it honestly feels right now that literally every single facet of my life is at a “fucking burn it down and stay in the fire” place.

Which of course, is a great place to be for PRO SE Wednesday (he said sarcastically). Luckily, it wasn’t TOO too bad. Partially because so many people simply refused to show up because it was cold outside. And to their credit, it is very cold outside. But of course, people often feel that my court is optional anyway so… there you go. ANYWAY, the biggest “story” from Pro Se Wednesday was an individual who said he couldn’t get the video to work on his phone. Because of course you can’t get the video to work on your phone; it never works on phones, I tell people this. So, I brought the video up for him. Look- there’s your car. He even leans in and says, “And there, see, where I’m speeding up.” Dude? Not only did you specifically just draw my attention to the very crime you are charged with, you admitted it. He then says, “See, I was trying to get around traffic. I needed to take that exit, so I had to hammer the gas to get around the cars to take the exit.” I told him flatly: So, you’re admitting to the violation of law and claiming necessity as justification? He… didn’t know what to do with that. Which is good because the only justification for traffic laws in the code is based on safety. You could have lowered your speed, stayed law abiding, and come in behind the vehicles you essentially sped up to cut off. If an out of control truck was riding your ass, and you sped up to pull off to the side to let the truck past you- maybe a different conversation. “I wanted to get ahead of traffic for my exit” is not legal justification. You dumbass. So, sure.... maybe I’m the guy yelling “No running on the pool deck” while we’ve got someone drowning in the deep end but… what else am I supposed to do at this point?

The rest of my afternoon was consumed by work. Not even “catching up” type work. I have 7 trials tomorrow and I need to review ALL of the evidence for each trial, so that I can then edit the evidence for each trial, so that I can improv my case using the previously reviewed and prepared evidence. Which means… really working into the AFTER HOURS hours of the evening!
And even THAT isn’t as “simple” or as “sensical” as a straightforward reading would suggest!! OF the 7 trials scheduled for tomorrow?
My day ended with 1 of them “He’s not been showing up to hearings. We think he won’t show up tomorrow.” K. Part of my job. I have to prepare as if he will even though he won’t because if he does? Here’s the bullshit. If he does show up, it is STILL not certain that he’ll go that day. SO I have to prepare… despite a SIGNIFICANT likelihood that he won’t even be able to be tried tomorrow.
But the bigger one? I have 3 cases with 1 guy. His whole schtick was to visit his family member in the hospital, lose his fucking mind, and start screaming at the top of his lungs and fighting security and the cops as they tried to remove him from the hospital. THREE TIMES. So subpoenas have been sent, I’m reviewing and compiling evidence.... about twenty seconds before the office shuts down (with me alone in my office, a small light against the darkness of the hallways) a Defense Attorney e-mails me saying, “This guy is eligible for the Drug Diversion Program. So are you okay with us scooping up his current pending so we can get those dismissed when he starts testing clean?” JAW. FLOOR. So… less than 24 hours before he’s supposed to be in court for a trial, you want to “just scoop these up” to get them dismissed if he can stop doing drugs for three months? Now, see, I’m all for drug diversion. I really am. Helping people get clean and sober is important work. But terrorizing a Hospital and remarking in court repeatedly that he is “allowed to do that” doesn’t strike me as “we just need to make sure he’s not doing drugs.” It strikes me as this guy needs to know he should get clean AND ALSO THAT LAWS DO APPLY TO HIM. But… let’s get a nice BIRD’S EYE VIEW of things now.
I have 7 trials tomorrow.
I am required to prep all 7 trials tomorrow because I can’t say “Not Going” without a Court Order saying “Not Going”.
But 4 of the 7 are “threatened” to “likely not going” but I still have to make sure they are prepared to go! (massive grumble grumble grumble grumble).

I finished texting the Speed Dating Options. Irish Name got back to me with a text just as “professional” sounding as mine with “Hi Chris, I also enjoyed our conversation and would be open to continuing it as well.” So, I’ll formulate a response and send it in before going to sleep tonight. Probably something like:
“Awesome! I’m available most evenings and weekends- would you want to grab a coffee on Saturday?”
But I’ll be honest friends- this is how fucked up my brain is! Because I’m thinking now, Is that too passive? Should I say more directly I am inviting you for coffee on Saturday? Should I be more specific, “You, Me Coffee at Scooters on Main, 1:30- what do you say?” Am I being too forward or direct? Should I instead phrase it more as “I’m free most weekends, would you want to do coffee on a Saturday afternoon or would you prefer a dinner?” GAH! See, I don’t know how to do this shit and at 40 having once been married for almost 10 years- it feels particularly silly* to not know how to do this shit.

With the anxiety and depression and madness flooding this world right now, I saw the following and it kind of stopped me. So, I wanted to share it:
“If the end times arrive while you have a sapling in your hand, finish planting it.” paraphrased from the Musnad Ahmad ibn Hanbal