Entry 52: Since Then in Much Ado About Nothing

So… what did I end up actually doing last night?
I got home and immediately launched into the legislative portal. I read the text proposed and how it got squishy in committee and how it passed from committee. I then wrote the e-mail that preceeded this entry. I then sent it to every member of the Committee that debated that stupid fucking bill. That wasn’t good enough for me. So, I then sent it to every state representative that was elected by any district in the county that I represent. That wasn’t good enough for me. So, I then sent it to every leader of the State’s Democratic Party- House and Senate. If I thought it would do a damned thing, I would have followed up by sending it to the Republican leaders!!! I am already almost 100% certain even what little I did won’t matter at fucking all. This is… this is LITERALLY what the Nazis did. First- target Trans. Then- target the disabled. Then- go after the performers. You bully people and attack people and then go after the people who will talk about it and will shine a light on it. I am not kidding when I say this is the shit that I will fight to the point of being fired or jailed. It is not okay. It is not RIGHT! I was raised in an America that said no idea was so terrible that it could not be discussed. FUCK, our whole country still seems to think that NAZI is an acceptable ideology to discuss openly- but we’re absolutely fucking furious about men in dresses, apparently!

GAH!

SO, after all of that, I went upstairs, and nuked some of the leftover pork and rice. Ate it. I then looked around me. I should try on the pants. I should really call the girl. Honestly, having a good positive conversation with the girl might be exactly what I need but that feels like a shitty thing to comprehend at this time. But all the samw- I genuinely want to do it. I want to call and hear a warm voice, someone new whose very existence suggests worlds that I can’t predict. But then that also feels like romantic language that can’t be presumed. At around 7:30 pm, I swear to myself that, once the episode of West Wing that I am watching is over, I will grab a notepad and make the call. Don’t honestly know what I’ll say other than I enjoyed our conversation and want to continue it. I figure be honest even if not inventive or creative.

And then I came to my senses, lol. Everything I could find online suggests that people of a certain age prefer texting. And the more I thought about “do I text or do I call?” the more I realized… (1) either way I am going to seem old. Because either I phone when I should have texted OR my text is going to seem like an Olde Time letter. lol. (2) I should inform the Event Organizer that they should include a “How would you prefer to be contacted?” on the information submissions. SO… what I did… is that I e-mailed the Event Organizer and then texted the people. And yes- it was archaic. lol. An example with sub names
“Fred: This is Chris from speed dating. Sorry for texting, never sure what is preferred text/call. I really enjoyed our conversation and was hoping we could continue it sometime. I would love to take you out for coffee or dinner and would love to schedule that with you when you’re available.”
Yeah, I feel silly about that a bit. BUT… frankly? Texting is less invasive. Me being silly in text is fine. Worse case scenario- I hear nothing back. And frankly? Something “just not working” is… par for the course. I can deal with that. And if a date does get made? I’ve had some first dates. That’s fine, too.

So, I texted Number 1… who I was sexually attracted to and genuinely felt like we got interrupted..... and I texted Number 9… the cute girl with the Irish name. Honestly, this Speed Dating did finally get me in a room with mostly red heads or raven hairds which… I am quite fond of. That being said? NO text back from either. In fact, instead?
Based on my TikTok video, I wound up having a text conversation with another Blue Dot in Iowa… then randomly a scammer on SnapChat and a scammer on Hinge. So… that… tracks. Not to mention how now half of my TikTok adverts are Hily, Duet, or Hickey. So… welcome to OUR DYSTOPIA. Even connecting with other humans can be commodified, profit-centric, and built on increasing misery if it might increase profits. This fucking world.

So… no joy in social. Cruising through some internet channels in a vain hope to find something to lift my spirits, I found PLUTO via CRUNCHYROLL streaming my favorite Anime of all time. But the mood I was in? I was able to find the nugget of crap. See… this is my absolute favorite anime of all time. I would LOVE to get the main voice actors to sign my copy. I got the MAIN Actor and SCRIPT WRITER to sign my copy. The Romantic Lead? I met her. I spoke with her. I asked a favor of her. But none of that was for my benefit. Because do you remember shortly before we separated; how Nancy really wanted to meet a specific voice actor and almost missed the ENTIRE weekend because she didn’t like how her costume had turned out. So, we got the actor to do a special “on her lunch” signing after convincing Nancy that the skirt’s hem was fine as it was. THAT voice actor… who was kind enough to do that… in order to sign a figurine I’m half certain Nancy didn’t even keep after she moved to the east coast.... THAT voice actor is the romantic lead in this Anime. SO… in other words… AS MY LIFE TENDS TO PROVE ON REPEAT I will burn myself to provide the light for others who don’t care about the darkness. WHICH… is something to keep in mind with all this other shit. I need to NOT destroy myself to meet the needs of others. BUT… I’ll admit… this evening’s activities suggest to me that… maybe the reason I do that is because whenever I try to not I just… don’t have any luck. Going back to something I had mentioned in an earlier entry....
I learned to burn myself for others in order for people to like me. I am what I can do for others; and if I can do enough for others, they like me. Any time I try to just… be myself… do people like me even if I’m not burning through myself for their benefit.... it doesn’t exactly work out. I’m not… of a mind that such is absolutely true. I’m just… as I engage in this experiment… I’m keeping track of it. If I hold boundaries… if I say, “I’m not going to tear my arm off patting you on the back”… if I hold boundaries demanding “I have value and needs and should also have safety and security”… is that just going to keep me alone?
I’m keeping track of it.