Health Shamer in Current Events

On Saturday, I wanted to do everything but forced myself to do nothing. Today, I want to do nothing but have to force myself to do everything.

I hit a breaking point with my diet yesterday. Disease is not caught it is created by toxic waste and nutritional deficiencies. I have deficiencies. I finally got around to getting bloodwork done but my follow-up isn’t until the fourth. I am getting impatient.

I keep rescheduling my appointment with my dietitian. It’s hard enough to build a new habit without ADHD. I haven’t gotten anywhere with her action plan. I was sick for a month, I have been building my willpower from the ground up. I’ll know the results of my bloodwork by the time I see her next.

I’ll reach out to my naturopath, or find a new one, once I know the results of my bloodwork. I suspect that it is zinc. A zinc deficiency that is causing a domino effect. If things get too ridiculous with my naturopath again, I’ll give in. I’ll eat bison but just twice a week. Maybe. Just the thought makes my head spin. It’s been 9 years since I ate any eggs, meat, or dairy. It’s psychological now. I also won’t have the enzymes to break it down. I’ll have to introduce it slowly. I don’t have the palette for it either. No matter what seasoning people use, meat smells like something that has been dead for weeks. The thought of tasting it makes my stomach turn because I did bite into a chunk of breakfast sausage once. There was some cross-contamination when I was at a diner. I know the risks, it wasn’t their fault. My whole mouth filled with a gas. It tasted like roadkill and garlic. I spat it out and ran to the bathroom to hide my dry heaving.

Never say never. I’ll never touch dairy again. My level of English does not have the requisite words I need to describe what dairy smells like, let alone what people who consume a lot of it smell like. I have this unfortunate ability to smell… people. I don’t want to get into it. It’s awful. Eggs? I miss eggs.

Why are you vegan? I am not one of those diet-fascists who try to force veganism on people. I’m received that way, sometimes, but I roll with it. My heating habits have been a hot topic for years and I’m numb to it. To answer that question, privilege. Bloated privilege is the number one reason I am vegan. I can choose what to eat. My discernment led me to make this decision for myself. Your discernment led you to make your decision for yourself. That’s all I say. Of course, we are in the dumb ages and most people don’t even know how discernment works. Let alone how to do it. I couldn’t even call myself vegan anymore. With the cultural teachings I have been getting and the practices I am learning. My people are not vegan because they cannot be vegan. The more land-based you get, the harder veganism gets.

I dirty bulked when I was 29. I wanted to gain 30lbs for my 30th birthday. I wanted to be the weight I was in high school. I succeeded but I felt like shit. I looked like shit. I had a gut for the first and last time. Then my sister announced her pregnancy. I calculated that we would be almost 50 when her child graduates. I looked around at everyone else in our age group. They can’t run, they can’t shit, and they can’t catch their breaths. We are getting diagnosed with this, that, and the other thing. We are where we are because of what we put in the past. The future will be what you put in the present. Was my rationale. I cleaned my act up so I could be there for my nieces and nephews. 9 years later, I look at everyone in my age group. They’re worse off. They still can’t run, they still can’t shit, they still can’t catch their breaths and it would appear that they can’t rub any aluminum-free brain cells together to save their lives.

There was a time when you could look at your peers for inspiration. I’m almost 40, I look around and I am just horrified. Scared straight. In a way. They’re cooked. I don’t know if it is genetics or if I am doing something right but I don’t have a single wrinkle or gray hair. My face ain’t bloated, I have no dark circles under my eyes. My skin glows. My dentist says my teeth and gums are not aged. My eyesight is improved and is just under 20/20. Blah. Who cares.

My mother hosted her birthday dinner. Everybody brought food, I brought nothing. My time management has been piss poor since I was sick. All of my systems were worn down after that. I ordered a cheat meal. Wheat and I are not friends anymore but I started to abuse myself from time to time because YOLO and FOMO. After yesterday, I will not be doing that again. My stomach was hurting so badly that I almost threw up. Peppermint tea saved the day as it always had. I can’t believe I used to think that was normal. To be bloated, to experience the inflammation like it was just what is supposed to happen. This will be an issue for the rest of the week but that’s on me. In two weeks I’ll be healed. They changed the genetic structure of wheat, added dozens of chromosomes, and then they blame my body. Gluten sensitivity. They call it. People with celiac disease can eat bread grown in Europe with zero issues. Trust the $cience.

The inflammation in my brain is en route. That is the worst part. I’ll crash hard in the afternoon. I used to think that was normal too.

I’m just mad at myself for eating that cheat meal. My body will forgive me so I can forgive me too.

I should be hitting the gym right now. We will see. I don’t have the willpower for it today. Maybe I’ll just go swim some laps and make it a cardio day. It’s -50c today so the pool will probably be empty. It’s a holiday so the pool may not even be open. Whatever. I just don’t want another day at home with my roommate around. Haunting me. A phantom of the worst version of myself. This is who you are. I’m tired of that internal battle I have about her. I’m so harsh but I know I am externalizing my own self-hate.

Tomorrow I see my therapist. It will be a waste of time. After that, I will do my second community walk with the homeless shelter and help feed the houseless on the streets. Maybe. I have been pretty aimless this year, so far. I need to correct that.