No Pain No Gain in Current Events

You will never win the war. You can only win the battle day by day.

I understand myself better knowing that ADHD was my problem this whole time. My brain is manipulative. I am conditioning myself to endure boredom, among other discomforts. My porn addiction is the final boss but I am also trying to dial in my shopping and other compulsive things. All of my defenses were down after I was sick last month for a month. I’m building my willpower back from scratch.

Yesterday, I committed to staying home. The -47C weather helped with the motivation. Every fiber of my being wanted me to go out. The plan was to do fuck all and enjoy my break from work. I did a few things around the apartment until I caved and did some office work remotely. I needed to audit my expenses. It was haunting me forever. I needed the time and space to hyperfocus.

I get reimbursed for purchases that I make for work. I missed $5550 in expense claims. Those were from the beginning of January when I was sick. My object permanence made me forget that my coordinator had two invoices. I’ll be heading to the office today so I can push that paperwork through. They will cut me a check on Wednesday. My brain won’t rest until I submit it and I want my brain to rest. I knew I was missing something because I should have been ahead of the game with my personal finances. I will be winning again come Wednesday.

Though I did not go shopping, I failed at not spending. I splurged online. It was in my budget but it was the principle of the matter. However, my wins are: no porn, no Skyrim, and no doom scrolling. For my next trick, I will force myself to focus. I will sit through a movie and pay attention or I will read a book and pay attention. Even if it means that I have to read the same page over and over. That will be on Monday.

Right after this entry, I get to go to the gym. Then I have to race home and get cute so I can meet the girls for breakfast. Then I might do some thrifting with Ange. I’ll swing by my office to push my paperwork through. I will not do things around the office. I will not do things around the office. I will not do things around the office. Then I have to collect my grandmother and head to my mother’s for her birthday gathering. I’m looking forward to playing with my niece and nephew. They don’t know that I am bringing the Meta Quests.

So… on with it then.