Entry 46: Poison in Much Ado About Nothing

I spent a long time writing about something in our culture that seems… prolific. Poisonous. And something that I remember being repeatedly told “isn’t important” growing up. But I realized I couldn’t write about it without looking like some angry, single, crotchety old man. And that’s not how I want to seem regarding this issue. I suppose a short, curt, less is more way of saying it:
Beauty is a commodity. Beauty is currency. It always has been. It may be more so now than ever before in human history.
And I think raising children in a way that downplays or dismisses that reality is deceptive, at best. If we don’t acknowledge it and have language for it and understand it… we can do nothing about it, whether we want to or not.
Want to start a massive internet battle? Get a strong woman and a meninist together and ask “Is it okay for your partner to have an OnlyFans account?” Want to have a conversation about “resource inequality” that doesn’t specifically talk about money? Take a random sampling of Village Inn Waitstaff to see how many people think taking bikini cosplay selfies for Instagram is a real job. Do you know WHY most children now want to be influencers? Because it looks like an easy, glamorous lifestyle that makes you famous and wealthy. Do you know why (statistically) all of them will fail? Because in order to actually have a beautiful wealth-focused life… you tend to need to be beautiful and have wealth first or at least inherit it. Not to mention all of the rest of the facets of Modern American Life. And acting like “physical beauty” is no big deal or that it doesn’t make a huge difference just… it feels like teaching people to reject the evidence of their eyes and ears. Which sets them up to hear the same message from assholes like Trump who, more and more, are forcibly creating a world where WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE matters more than ever.

My day today and my weekend ahead are all… more or less unenthusiastic question marks.
My idea for tonight was to support two films; one that I know is getting mixed reviews but as a MARVEL movie will either succeed or die based on more than just ticket receipts. The other… it may seem silly, but I do genuinely want to contribute to Ke Huy Quan’s come back as I think he is an incredible person (and I adored Everything, Everywhere, All At Once). And while the film is getting middling reviews at best, I like “Asian Action Films” even when it is heavily “White America Trying to Seem Asian Action”. So, the idea for this evening is essentially to spend from 6:30 to midnight at the movie theater. AND it only costs me the price of concessions so… not bad.
Saturday I need to head to a furniture store as their big SAVINGS thing ends this weekend and I want to see if there are any mattresses that inspire me to switch from the very dead one I am currently using. But also, there is a free event at the CFCT at 2:00 that friends are performing in. Essentially, the actors/directors on staff at the theater are performing scripts that 4th Graders wrote. It is… interesting to see “inspiration or competition”. The WCP event I volunteered for last week? Middle Schoolers writing, directing, and performing their own work. This CFCT event? Adults performing work written by 4th Graders. It’s… very interesting to see how the different theaters work, grow, and evolve.
Then for Sunday, I’m honestly a bit torn. CFCT is still looking for people to help clean and organize the building. On one hand, it is helping the theater. On that same hand, it is a GREAT way to be seen by the right people (if by “right people” you mean the people that cast and direct). On the other hand… cleaning an old theater all day… and yet another weekend spent helping the theater instead of doing what I should be doing. But I fear that last bit means less and less to me as I consider how many weekends where I’m not helping a theater are spent simply lying in bed.
Ultimately, I know that I can change my mind, do what I want to, etc. I don’t have to do anything with CFCT this weekend if I don’t want to. But they still haven’t announced the new season. And I’ve been told they tried to include more stuff that I might be able to do as a direct counter to how heavily CHILDREN and MUSICAL WCP is being this year. SooOoOoOoO… I feel compelled by my desire to be cast to go and be seen in at least one of those two opportunities.

And then my mind goes a bit haywire, I have to admit. Because then my mind starts thinking about the coming months. I need to memorize my Shakespeare audition, but it is a piece I did for these very same people 2 years ago… when should I start working on memorizing? I have a lot of things I need or want to do around the house that never ever ever get done, I need to figure shit out there. I will be in Shakespeare this summer, so I need to make sure I’m scheduling and working around that assumption. Including getting back to my Dad on going for a fishing trip at the end of June. And since Shakespeare is put on by WCP and directly conflicts with the WCP Musical… the only next Adult show for WCP is the winter musical Sound of Music. So… I’m starting to reach that repeatedly compelled place of checking CFCT frequently to see what is on deck. Last year’s season for them was
RENT (musical), EMMA (musical), HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES (comedy), CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (musical), LOST IN YONKERS (comedy), GREY GARDENS (musical). And for them last year? I auditioned twice, got call backs twice, was cast once but couldn’t commit and had to decline the role. Which, I’ll admit, is a little funny for me because this was the first year since I moved here where I didn’t do a single show in the CFCT schedule. So again… thinking I need to be where I can be seen.

Of course, I’ve had a lot of time to read lately. And… my life used to have a lot going on!
2021, February 14th sounds like… still to this day one of the greatest sexual evenings of my life. Which is funny considering that 2020 February 14th was so difficult for me.
2022, February 14- I was excited to be in Rocky, frustrated by the job and dating apps, but being encouraged to consider a judgeship
2023, February 14- First show living in the same area and overwhelmed with work. The Promo Photos from that show still work on this entry: https://www.prosebox.net/entry/1556173/when-overlaps/
2024, February 14 was me struggling at work and dog sitting for Hermia.
And now 2025 with Valentine’s Day on a Friday to boot!

Interesting though. The most Valentine’s Day-like of any of my Valentine’s Days was with Essen. And even the Valentine’s Day where I was dating Hermia was… me doing something for her. And the rest that were between Essen and Hermia were… me working on shows. So, that would mean the Post-Marriage Valentine’s Days were
2020 & 2025: Solo, truly
2021: Amazing wonderful splendiferous sex
2022 & 2023: Working on a show after frustrating work day

So of course… the trick to make 2025 stand out from 2020 is… to not get stupid drunk tonight and to not dwell on personal emotional pain. Which, for both of those, I think I’m in an incredibly powerfully better place that neither of those threats seems terribly likely. Since my emotions are both all all the time and entirely muted and silent… I think I have to confess that my life makes me really push out there the thought “So, I’m thinking Essen was an outlier.” Which, in many ways is good and in many others is bad. It’s… good… that my personal life isn’t filled with married polyamorous people in chaotic and hostile relationships that could or did frequently risk my safety and reputation. THAT is good. But… the connection I felt with her, the chemistry, the communication, the sex, the kink, the… I acknowledge that there are a million reasons why nothing like that will ever happen again. And I’m not going to refuse to be open to anything ‘unless it is that”..... but I admit, I do still like to hope. Maybe that’s not fair. Maybe that’s even hurting me in someway. But… an actual spark… an emotional connection… a physical WOW factor.... as awesome as it was to experience it at all (which I recognize), it would just… I’d be a little sorry if nothing got close to that again.