Entry 39: Whittling in Much Ado About Nothing

I am a fool, an idiot, and far more lucky than I should ever expect.

I had big plans for the weekend. My body, however, shut down. And I felt terribly about not coming in to the office. And I felt, and there is still a lot of truth to this, how ridiculous the experience is
to feel never caught up at work, so I spend lots of time at work, so I don’t have anything else going on, which makes me feel depressed, which makes my mind slow down, which makes me feel never caught up at work, so I spend lots of time at work, so I don’t have anything else.... do you see the cycle?

So I had yet another weekend of just being dead. Managing my emotions and energy. Feeling terribly about not being productive in my life, in my hobbies, in my home, nor in my work. But of course when I come in to work this morning? Two trials cancelled due to accepting pleas. One trial that shouldn’t be going forward because I should dismiss the fucking ticket; but I don’t feel like I can. And another trial that shouldn’t be going forward because the driver is so clearly guilty… which is why they went out to hire a $400 an hour attorney for a $135 ticket!! Which… seriously. what the fuck?
Ultimately, that means my cases today do not matter because in 1- either I’m correct in my assessment and the Defendant will win; or I am incorrect in my assessment and the State wins. And in the other- either the video is received as incontrovertible evidence of guilt and the State wins, or the Defense wins and this person spent over $1,000 to win a case with a scheduled fine of $135. All any of this “costs” me is time, time which I would be here at work giving anyway. The only big “nervous making” things for me for the week are… I have a violent psychopath with a trial scheduled for Thursday. Her attorney says that they haven’t received the order appointing them; but when she gets it- she’ll request a continuance. Except.... trial is Thursday. There is nothing in the file. So, if we get to trial date and I haven’t subpoenaed my witnesses… I look like a lazy, incompetent asshole. Because trial date is reached and the State needs to put on their evidence. BUT if I subpoena the witnesses and the Defense Attorney does what they said they will… I have to try to reach back out to all the witnesses and tell them not to come into court. It would be a smarter use of EVERYONE’s time and resources to simply… not subpoena people if Defense is going to do what they said they would. This particular thing may be getting reviewed all day. As I typically require 7 to 14 days for subpoenas but in a pinch will do 3 to 5 days. Sending subpoenas today for a Thursday trial is as close to day of that I care to get.

But… yeah. Coming in this weekend would have at best meant I got through my backed up list of e-mails to return or cleaned my office. Because those are the two “heavy on my heart” things right now. But as I did nothing productive at all over the weekend… cleaning and addressing backed up things is pretty much a CONSTANT burden on my heart in every space I occupy. Cleaners were at my place on Friday so it is “clean enough” but not clean the way I want. I need to go through… everything. I need to unpack the extra room and either turn it into proper storage or into an exercise space. I need to go through my file cabinet and really clear out the old things I don’t need, confirm the things I do need, and make sure I know where important things are. I need to go through all of my clothes, my linens, my towels, everything. I need to review the large stacks on the bookshelves and see what I need to keep, throw, and how to use what I keep. Picture frames that have had the “Came with the Frame” picture for years… the rice cooker, still in its original plastic. ANIM8 IOWA convention swag left sitting for 2 years. Massive swaths of unproductive time don’t help me. Then again, as I’m thinking about the things at home I want to take care of… I keep thinking of moving the board games from their current location… and this is how that thought process goes:
I like where they are now because they are in the perfect spot to be grabbed and placed on the table when being used. And they are on display so you can see all of them to select which you want to play. Except nobody ever comes over to my house. So, the games never get played anyway. So whether they are easy to access or easy to see actually makes zero difference. And I could then use that space for DVD storage. And then put the board games at the other end, since they aren’t being used, or in the basement.
And this makes me think of, honestly, how much of my home and my life are built on “This would be great if…” Like… having a proper dining room table, having board games, having spaces for people to sit… but nobody visits. There just isn’t demand for the things I’ve built in my life. And that… really doesn’t feel good. Because… yeah. The things I’ve built, I built for me, to service the life I was trying to lead, hoping to lead. I got here because this is what I wanted. But, as ever, I can only control that which is within my ability to control. The “other people” aspect… outside of my control. So that at this point, I really can just look around and realize… the things that I wanted… were other people. And I’ve never been good about that aspect of things. I mean, ever, but especially in the Modern Era of Loneliness Epidemic and the rise of Friendships are Online. And I’m honestly wondering if that is one of those unconscious walls that interrupt me without me realizing it. Like… maybe I never get the house done because on some level I don’t acknowledge, I know that I’ll have to “live in it”… like a ripple from when Nancy left. I just left rooms open and untouched because actively resolving them would mean.... accepting the life change. That doesn’t sound right. I mean there is some significant psychological barrier to getting shit taken care of but… it isn’t tied to the divorce. I mean, there is a part of me that whispers when I think “Okay, put the art where you want it to go” and there’s a very faint whisper of “But what if someone comes along and you have to pack again, or they don’t like it, or they see a better place for it?” So.... there is that something lurking around. But I don’t see it as controlling enough to shut me down so thoroughly. There is a strong sense of “I don’t know what I’m doing! I would love to get some assistance with this.” But then… I would never ask assistance for that from friends or strangers; and my parents don’t visit but for Shows. But yeah. There’s something… systemic… that fucks up my motivators. We’ve seen this before a dozen times. In various other areas.

I just… in every part of my life… I have a lot to do… and never any motivation to actually get it done, apparently.