I am a crooked man, and I've walked a crooked mile in anticlimatic

The stars all winked at me
They shouted: child!-
Your funeral, my trial.

The universe has a lot to answer for. I’m not sure its offerings of sublime beauty make up for the abject horror living creatures must endure- some more than others, but all to some extent.

But the universe is a deadbeat, and passes its debts onto us- and reminds us that we should be so lucky to labor, because the alternative is worse.

My brother in law spoke at my Dad’s funeral some years ago, and pointed something out about the man that I never noticed, or at least just took for granted. He noticed it, because his own dad was nothing like mine, but I suppose I just assumed it was a trait that all men took on when they reached a certain age.

My dad was a quiet and humble dude, but also very confidant, competent, and steady. He never got rattled, emotionally. No disaster ever seemed a big deal to him. He’d think a minute, voice some ideas perhaps, then settle on one and whip it out. And he was so fast when he would do stuff, you’d never expect it for someone that calm.

But his real super power was spreading that calmness, confidence, and competency to people around him. That’s what my brother and law brought up. Tony (that’s his name), married my sister and moved her from Philadelphia. He knew nothing of changing a tire, cleaning a fish, or any of the other stuff rural folks like us have to contend with on the regular. But he said that unlike anyone else in his life, when my dad would show him how to do something, he felt like he could do it.

Chainsaw? Oh hell, it won’t hurt you- just hold it here, like this, go slow. Get ready to feel it pull a bit when you touch down at first, but it’s not much- it’s actually really easy after you do it a couple times. Here- try it… feel it pull there? You got it, see? Piece of cake.

It begs the question: what are we even doing with our lives if we are not making ourselves into a totem of sorts that buffs the confidence, competence, and feelings of general well being to everyone around us? What other paltry goals could we possibly have, in comparison?

I realize how many of the Good Things in my life were just gifts from people I happened to be around who happened to over-produce. Net Positives to the world around them. How many people can boast being a net positive to the world? And what does the path to that look like?

I think it looks crooked. I think it’s more rare than it is common, and I think you only get there by breaking rules- not following them. At least that was the path of everyone I know who managed it. It cost them all, some severely, but someone has to pay down the debt the universe owes.