Entry 31: Phil and Don in Much Ado About Nothing
- Feb. 3, 2025, 1:08 p.m.
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- Public
This morning went much as could be expected. I woke up when my alarm went off, hit snooze, and played that game for about an hour. Which… who we are is comprised of everyone who influenced us. And after being with her for so long, I caught a lot of Nancy’s worst sleeping habits. Now, it’s true we didn’t sleep together every night of our marriage, the simplest math indicates a round estimate that we shared a bed for over 3,071 nights. And I instantly think, “I do not fear the man that has studied 1,000 punches. I fear the man that has studied one punch, and practiced a thousand times.” Over 3,000 nights… it isn’t a surprise her sleep requirements became my sleep requirements. TV on to go to bed, set five different alarms, play the snooze game… none of it is particularly healthy but these are the parameters I was required to adjust to, ergo- these are the parameters that have stuck with me. Maybe as I go forward this year in addressing and attempting to modify myself… this is an area I can/should review. Though, if I knew a way to make sure I woke up refreshed and ready to get out of bed every morning, I certainly would have been doing it by now! Things to add to the list.
Speaking of The List and a desire to change things about myself… weekends like what had just passed bum me out even more so in an “after the facts” way. Yes, my Saturday originally had a solid 4 to 6 hour block of time that was “called for” and set aside. Of course, the cancellation of those plans bummed me out. The subsequent silence from me texting people and receiving nothing in return just made it all worse. The consistent NONE FOR YOU experienced on the Dating Apps made the problem even worse. So… in a frustrating way, it makes sense why this weekend was spent in a depressive funk of apathy and hopelessness. I couldn’t even get my own family to text me back; so, the feeling of truly being alone sunk in hard and sunk in deep. But, shaking it off, forcing myself to go into work (for better or worse) and forcing my mind to engage in non-ruminating thoughts… and, while I still see the heart of those ruminating thoughts as true… what I mostly see is hours and hours and hours wasted not being productive and not moving through the list in any way. Now, true, the List of To Do is actively being addressed even if I’m not moving. Items 1 and 2 were Snow Blower and Mower repair and I received a phone call telling me mower is already fixed, snow blower is waiting for a part to be delivered. SO… the Actual Written LIST is being worked on. But there is so much more list to be done regardless of big repairs. Even something like “go through the Big Shelving Unit” could be done in a weekend. And… wallowing in my loneliness doesn’t get that shit taken care of.
Speaking of not getting shit taken care of.... I had one trial this morning. One. Subpoena was sent January 21st to inform the officer when trial was. At 10:30, time for trial, there was no officer. So I call him. What’s up? “OH. I forgot that was this morning! I’m otherwise detained.” Grumble, grumble. I will ask for a Motion to Continue from the Court. We’ll have that argument to determine whether we get to or not. Though… and I admit my own biases up front… why do tall white college baseball players all look alike and have the same attitude? It’s a phenomenon I have experienced in few other collegiate sports. But the build, the hair, the frame, the attitude… all of it seems like Xerox. Just my observations.
In entirely different news? There is an “Exclusive Speed Dating” “opportunity” next week. The price of the event is $42. And here’s the ridiculous utter bullshit of my life. EVERYTHING over the last weekend would suggest, “Dude- just do it.” But I’ll be honest- and this is worthy of mockery and I understand that- the price point gives me pause. I know, I know. Fucking stupid all things considered. But there’s so much of me that thinks, “Okay… so I can spend $42 to be rejected all night?” Which- self defeating, bad perspective, I get all that. It makes the most sense to have an optimistic perspective and give it my all. I get that on a deep fundamental level. So, I’m trying to persuasively talk myself into it. It is an Application/Nomination basis. So… I have to fill out a form indicating why I deserve to be “one of the twenty five men” selected for this event. I’m… struggling with that part of it. I ultimately just said, “I am a Criminal Prosecutor who volunteers with local theaters. I have a unique perspective and an eclectic background.” SO… maybe I won’t have to worry about “spending all that money” as I would be surprised if that was enough to wow someone on a nominating committee! But at least I gave it a shot.
With my one and only trial for the day being “taken care of”, I had the rest of the day to do the E-Mail, Voice Mail, and Paperwork things that never seem to get finished. And I will openly admit I have always hated this part of the job and it never actually gets any better because it is the point with the most discretion and the most bullshit from other people. “Review the following case and determine how you would like to proceed”.... if there isn’t enough evidence to go to trial, it shouldn’t have gotten to me. If there is enough evidence that it can go to trial, I don’t care how big of a bitch the Defendant is being, we don’t dismiss charges due to “excessive whining.” “Review the evidence as sent by Defendant and determine next steps”… this is literally Trial shit. If Defense had sufficient evidence to refute the charges, that is what trial is for. “Review the following cases and secure evidence”… no matter what county, getting evidence from Officers is always a pain in the ass. Which it shouldn’t be. But then we look at my present pain in the ass and understand how to extrapolate that to Police. Evidence is a part of paperwork. Paperwork is incredibly important from Police Officers. But police officers hate doing paperwork. So, we’re all in a loop of “This part of the job sucks” but it still needs to get done.
::big existential sigh::
Tonight promises to be pretty much the same as any night.
Take the dog to the dog park.
eat something
clean the house in whatever way and degree seems appropriate
Review the List
Watch TV and play video games.
This, I think, is another reason why therapists have always said that I do much better emotionally when I am in a show. Yeah, life can get monotonous and repetitious. But doing that for a show at least feels like building something. We’re supposed to do the same thing every night because we’re building a show where we want to have the words, movements, props, etc all the same every night. THE SAME EVERY NIGHT, then, becomes something to feel good about when for a Show. The same every night outside of a show seems… irritating. A bloody waste. Honestly… it feels like I’m wasting time, racing towards my permanent end with nothing to show for it. At least, that’s how it starts to feel when I get into the rut of Domestic Focus Single Life. Maybe just to add something different, I’ll take Nala to Petsmart and see if they can recommend anything to help with the pulling. It would be good for both of us to have “walks” as an option but… it isn’t great when the entire time, she’s pulling so hard, I can hear it negatively impacting her breathing… which still isn’t enough to get her to stop pulling.
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