January Was a Long Year in Current Events
- Feb. 3, 2025, 2:27 p.m.
- |
- Public
A little suffering is good for the soul. It builds resilience.
[Existential Content Advisory]
My walls of Jericho have come down. There was no Trojan horse. Lord knows I didn’t let anyone in. My body went through a healing crisis and it wore my defenses down. I have been pretty vulnerable. I have been creating space for all the emotions that come up which is what I need to do. They have mass and I have been suppressing them my whole life. Life feels different when I am not numbed out. I have been on the verge of tears for weeks now. Not that I show pain or fear. If only I knew how to cry and let it out.
The knowledge keeper I work with wants to do spiritual work on me. His timing is perfect. I’m carrying dense energy. My coordinator and I are experiencing vicarious trauma in real-time. We will be seeing a lot of him this month. We did a breathing exercise which generated anxiety for me. Once I started to feel woozy, I no longer felt grounded. Once I don’t feel grounded, I don’t feel in control and what is fear? It boils down to control and what am I? A control freak. I need to create space for the uncontrollable. Build faith. Learn to let go and let god. I was in a safe space. I was not in danger. I experienced this when I swam laps a few days ago. I didn’t feel grounded and it made it hard to push through.
I had a powerful image come to me yesterday. I’m used to feeling like I am drowning. All the stinging emotional pain ignited and I went up in flames. Spontaneous combustion. I am trying to control a demolition of myself but this is the only way. Baptism by fire. When the fire went out I was a phoenix.
I started yesterday morning in reverse. I avoided everything I wanted to do and did everything I did not want to do. I need to be more uncomfortable. Today, I feel like I need a proper reset. I am fasting, and doing my detox routine. Tomorrow I get bloodwork done. In a few weeks, I will have some answers. I should have done this a long time ago. Some damage can become hard to reverse.
I started my morning the wrong way. Doom scrolling. Progress is not linear, I can give myself some grace. Waiting for my roommate to leave for work is painful. I should have sat with that instead of trying to cancel it out with the dopamine hits from doom scrolling. My detox bath will reset me, so help me creator. What I really want today is some headspace. My mind is racing two lightyears a minute. That is not going to happen. My mind has so much unopened mail, so to speak. I have to open up every letter and get to the last thought. I have to let every uncomfortable thought come up and I have to sit with it.
Loading comments...