Entry 30: Spicy Bland in Much Ado About Nothing
- Feb. 2, 2025, 10:56 p.m.
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- Public
This isn’t going to be actually spicy and what’s worse is that I fear whether this will merely come off as whiny.
I find myself today feeling a way that is difficult to put in appropriate words.
Date yesterday cancelled. Dating apps not turning up anything. No social connections locally, least a ways, none participating in being social. I feel an “almost horny” that is largely, in reality, merely a deep longing for connection, social interaction, literal human contact. Today would have been a great day to wake up next to someone and cuddle, and fuck, and fool around all day. Or sleep in then go downtown for a relaxing day.
One of the worst things about a day like this? My mind becomes my enemy.
Social Media starts saying, “Hey, men! Especially Conservative Men- too bad that you can’t find dates, yeah? You realize it is because you are unlikeable and no woman will ever want you, right?” And… I do see that… and Memes about how “Men aren’t dating as much because now they need women to actually like them and most just aren’t likeable.” And… that gets into my head. Because… I’m not unlikeable. Right? But then… I really don’t have solid evidence to back that up. I have a few surface social connections via Dog Park and work but… not a lot beyond that. My job certainly doesn’t make me any friends. So my brain starts cycling there. Maybe I really am not likeable.
Then the brain gets more specific (and more mean). Because… the abundant lack of success on dating apps makes me think, “I must be one ugly son of a bitch.” And the spiraling thoughts from there jump straight to, “Well, yeah. Obviously. The only woman who has wanted to date you since your divorce was blind! Do you really need any more evidence? People who can see want nothing to do with you; ergo, you one ugly asshole.”
And I try to fight back with affirming self talk but… what can I say- days like this make it difficult. Leaving me… wanting something… but feeling like… it isn’t attainable. And since re-downloading Hinge, I am now getting bombarded with ads for other dating sites like Match, Bumble, and Duet (mostly.) And because now almost half of adult relationships are started due to a dating app, I feel largely tempted to sign back in with all of them. But we know how that went last time. If you take a problem… and have that same problem on multiple apps… it just increases the negative feelings. So, while a part of me is lightly considering signing back on… I just… I think it would end up making me feel worse in the end.
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