I met with my psychiatrist this week; I have to go every three months for my meds upkeep, just to make sure they are still working the way the are supposed to and we don’t need to up/lower the dosage. The last time I saw her was just after the election and I was a fucking mess, cried the entire time, just could not get over what was about to happen to this country. She made sure to set up my next appointment for just after the inauguration so we could gauge how I was feeling. tbh I’m not great. I feel like every morning I wake up to the news of more stupid bullshit this administration is trying to/succeeding in putting through. I walk this very thin line of wanting to stay informed vs not wanting to have a constant panic attack. My psychiatrist recommended only looking at the news once or twice a week as opposed to daily to stay in the loop but not get overwhelmed. She told me I was categorized as a highly sensitive person and recommended a couple of books for me. I know that I’m sensitive and anxious and have a hard time letting go of things. I would never call myself an empath because I feel like every person I’ve known that has called themselves that has been an asshole so I just avoid that word. I just go back and forth because while I know my mental health is important, I feel guilty that I have the luxury of just turning off the news and ignoring it when for so many people, it’s not that easy, it’s literally affecting them daily. Right now. I’m always acutely aware of how good I have it and how lucky I am, just by the random luck of being born to the parents I was born to. I don’t want to close my eyes and ignore everything simply because I have the luxury to do so.
I absolutely abhor what is going on right now. It makes me sick to my stomach, like I literally feel like vomiting sometimes. I want to help but I feel pulled in so many different directions of how to help. My best friend is involved in SURJ, which was created to mobilize white people for racial justice. I’m just it’s a great organization but I always feel a little . . . I don’t know. Like it’s not my place? I feel like people of color should be the ones having their voices amplified, and speaking on their experiences and progress they want to see, and white people taking a back seat and supporting rather than leading. Something I am realizing I am very passionate about, however, is immigration and helping immigrants, so I think I am going to look into something local for that. I want to do something productive, not just curl in a ball and wait for the other shoe to drop.
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