Existential Exostential in Current Events

Welcome to the winter of my discontent.

I call my roommate a 40-year-old teenager. Meanwhile, I am struggling to regulate my emotions. On the surface, I’m peachy keen. I’m just a chill guy. Under the surface, it is dark and full of terrors. Maybe this is exactly what emotional regulation is. We measure wellness by a person’s ability to adapt to this profoundly sick society. I’m innately a masker. Fake it until you make it.

I am giving myself some grace because my willpower was affected by my body’s month-long healing crisis. All my defenses are down. What is the opportunity here? I am not numbed out. I can actually experience my emotions. I can process them effectively. I need to learn how to create space for them. A little suffering is good for the soul. It builds resilience. So they say and I agree. I see a lot of people in my age group with zero coping skills when life gets real.

I went a few months without any of my mood disorder symptoms last year. My problems were still there. My triggers were still there. My anxiety and depression were not. That changed when I started having cheat meals. Wheat. Wheat = anxiety and depression which is depressing. Sometimes I just want something breaded, deep fried, and then breaded again. I had a cheat meal on the weekend. I think that will be my last one. I want my inner world to be full of rainbows and butterflies.

Do I know how to be okay? I had to ask myself last year. I need to ask myself that again. I am catastrophizing. They’re just thoughts. They’re just thoughts. What I am experiencing in my fragile little mind does not represent what is happening on the outside. I am just self-validating. I am self-fulfilling a prophecy. Lobotomizing myself with positive thinking is my break in case of emergencies. There is no emergency. This is my anxiety. My coordinator planted a seed of job insecurity for us and it is trying to germinate.

I was tossing and tortured ‘till dawn. I didn’t recognize it at first but I fell asleep to an anxiety attack. When I tuned out the thoughts, the physical experience was a high. I was high on anxiety. Every nerve was a firefly. Worry and excitement are the same physical experience. Sleep was the one thing I was able to do right. It’s been a struggle but I will correct that.

I know how to anxiety. I know how to depression. Hello darkness my old friends. There is nothing but opportunity here. They come with gifts. Depression tells me what I need. Not what I want, what I need. Anxiety helps me get it. The whole world can shrink down to the pain. I don’t let myself get that short-sighted. This too shall pass. In 12 days, to be exact. That is when my gut will recover from the wheat. So what do you need right now? So far, just a good cry but rest is the answer.

I don’t know how to rest. To relax. I keep myself busy at work from start to finish. When I’m sitting calmly, I’m not relaxed. My mind is racing 2 lightyears a minute. All my defenses are down. My ADHD is running a mock. I’m externalizing it. I am noticing how much control I am trying to have because everyone feels like they’re in my way. I’m trying to make my outer world organized and clutter-free to make my inner one feel like it. I know it is an inside job. I’ll get there. I have to let myself suffer. Be bored and let the suppressed thoughts come up. Like opening up all the backed-up mail. I need to get to the last thought. I have to start with a tech detox. I have to force myself to sit and do nothing. Let everything feel like it is piling up when it isn’t. You are safe. Let go and let God.