It's getting easier in Each Day

  • Jan. 27, 2025, 3:01 a.m.
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… to say I have a good life. I want to be more pragmatic about my work. Acknowledge the means-to-an-end that it really is. I do what I do because it provides stability I was unable to find elsewhere. The thought of leaving that stability is frankly terrifying. I need to make the decision, or come to the conclusion, whether I will risk stability of career for stability of location. M and I do not want to move. Moving comes with the gig.

I do have a good life. I have a partner that I could not feel more connected to, supported by. Our home life is excellent. Our cats are fantastic. I have friends that get me. I am doing better with the doing of things.
This weekend I finished the green mid century side table I had started… I don’t even remember when. I’m not even sure I started it in this province, or maybe MB, which would be over 12 years ago. Anyway, I’d stripped parts of it, painted parts green, and then just kind of… left it. I had always intended on putting fancy wallpaper inside the bottom compartment. I found a cute contact paper with mushrooms all over it. So I wrapped the drawer face and papered the compartment. It’s cute. A little busy, but I like it.
I have too much furniture in my art room, the stuffies are a bit much (but I can’t bring myself to get rid of them, they hold too many memories and I still love them so much), and it’s just difficult to get around. I’m going to have to give away the chair I used to have in what was my dressing room - now bedroom, because there’s just no space for it. I got a new cozy office chair (that I can sit cross legged on), and two chairs is just too many for that room.
I’m starting to have a harder time figuring out what to do in the room, but I think that’s because I get in my own head about creating. Allowing myself to be patient, to reserve judgment, has been a practice. I talked about it in DBT this week. Yeah DBT seems to be going better this time. I’m still trying to figure out what I want out of it. It seems the focus is heavily on “crisis” moments, which I don’t really have, as such. My crisis tends to be losing all hope, drive, motivation because a situation is untenable. But that’s not what DBT focuses on. They’re focused more on make-or-break kinds of moments, like a sober person being tempted to drink, or getting so mad you break things, or yell or otherwise damage things or your relationship. But I’ll keep going until I figure it out.

It’s late. I don’t want to go to bed, but I have the gym in the morning. 2 weeks until my fitness test. I feel more prepared, I feel more fit now than I have in a long time, but I still have so much anxiety over it, I hate it.
That’d be another bonus of finding a new job… no more fitness testing. Ugh.

Good night.


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