Entry 12: Public Shared in Much Ado About Nothing

  • Jan. 15, 2025, 12:38 a.m.
  • |
  • Public

Today started with less fanfare. Mostly the earnest debate with myself on whether I get my bones out of bed or not. Ultimately, I succumbed to the inevitable. Got up, got dressed, discovered it had snowed but not terribly… which reminds me, one of the things the computer ate yesterday was my contact list for Snow Blower Repair so… I’ll need to get back on that whenever I actually get time considering all of the places close at 5, so if I am going to call them and expect any actual productive conversation, I’ll need to find sometime in my work day where I can actually do that. Of course… finding time in the workday is ever the issue for anything. And today was no different in any way.

Preparing for approximately 160 hearings… Tuesday hearings so a bit less involved but… being honest: preparing for 160 hearings still typically takes me 215 minutes to 240 minutes. And I can’t just… be expected to do just my job, either. I have to handle every person the judge would rather not deal with. So, multiple phone calls of “I was pulled over for going 15 miles per hour over the speed limit. What are you going to do for me to make it not hurt my insurance or driving record?” I’m going to do everything in my power to help you… so I’m going to do fuckall. I can’t magically convince a State Agency to not do what they are built to do. If this was of such a degree that your license would be pulled… I might step in depending on your past record. But as far as a “This is going to cost me money! Stop it!” no. I can’t do anything nor will I. You were speeding. I’m sorry that people get pissed at this very simple logic but if you decide to drive faster than the speed limit, you are deciding that it is an acceptable risk that you might get a speeding ticket. I understand that driving faster than the speed limit is the accepted and expected perspective of many. The shock, ire, and attempts to get out of consequences for that always strike me as hollow or at least short sighted. It’s kind of a “Congratulations! You were permitted to get away with speeding 95% of the time! But there’s 5% where you get caught and have to pay for the privilege of breaking the law. I can’t help you. Stop calling.” And of course… trying to do my job while fielding multiple phone calls of “But I don’t want to be held accountable” sets me behind. Then there are the people that come to my office in person. I already have a task that should take all morning. Having to stop what I am doing, walk down the hallway, go out into the public area, to have a conversation, where I (again) tell you that Court Proceedings are designed for a reason… and I can’t just “do what (you) tell me to” because you’re here now and it is inconvenient to comply with the Court Schedule. Thankfully, despite all of that, I was able to finish the Hearing Prep but… honestly “the minute before the lunch hour”. So, I had to quickly disappear to make sure I ate something substantial today (I am trying some of the powder meal replacement options my brother and SIL gave me for some of my meals and… it is effectively preventing me from eating mindlessly but I am still feeling hungry throughout most of the day. So… maybe that’s a good thing if “feeling hungry” means my body will consume the excess fat but… I honestly don’t know the science well enough to be confident that “feeling hungry” will mean “losing weight.”

During the lunch hour, I considered the audition tonight. On a few levels. Particularly, I’m not sure if they’ll accept the sheet music I have so… I wasn’t sure how to feel. I went on to the website to see if I could e-mail someone to get clarification and no luck. But they did have promotional candid shots of the show currently in progress. And, of course, that put me on the back foot. Six photos and I saw friends, teachers, colleagues, strangers… and one photo with Hermia in a bright pink sweater. She looks good. I have the last box for her still in my car. And seeing the photo and feeling genuine anxiety about the box shot my mind onto that issue like a rail gun. The thought process seems to start every time with me justifying my decision to myself. Which ultimately… doesn’t need further justification. And every time, I get to that same perspective. Frankly, as rude as this is, Hermia’s reaction over everything seems very immature. This was simply a matter of… we kept having the same massive issues around the same specific topics. I care about her, I like her, I find her attractive… but our lifestyles were not compatible.. our relationship was not healthy and we were both unwilling to compromise on specific elements. We had the same fights repeatedly and the cycles for delay on those fights was speeding up. It was truly another example of a friendship that the people jumped straight to romantic partnership when it would have been smarter to allow a friendship to grow first to see if a partnership was actually a good idea. But I… I can’t shake the idea that the box is going to illicit all manner of more negative energy and… I still have this stupid voice in the back of my head. I know mature people don’t think they need to “take sides” in a break up. I know the Theater Community is able to see me as more then “the guy who upset the blind girl”. But… especially seeing friends and colleagues on stage up there… I do worry about the silent issues. About if her anger spills over into rehearsals and they have to help her through it. OR maybe one of the problems in our relationship was that we could both be professional but had to let the wall down at home. We can power through but have to find somewhere to break. Just… as ever… thing is (a) Why are men not allowed to have those moments? Why do we have to be strong for our partner and then, when we need the emotional support, we still have to be strong for our partner? (b) Is it just the women I get close to or is it common for massive daily life-shattering breakdowns on consecutive days forever? BAH… this still takes up too much of my mind when it gets triggered. But, as ever… I just… I don’t want “leaving a relationship when I needed to” to become this huge cultural life-altering thing in my social circles or theater circles. But I’ve said that before.

The rest of the afternoon flowed as Tuesdays do. The hundred plus hearings go. We had a lot of people today so it took almost 2 hours (which is exceptionally rare) . Let’s do the math… if everyone showed up (everyone did not show up) that is 160 hearings in 120 minutes, which suggests the average hearing length was less than 1 minute long. So we know that didn’t happen. But we did have 96 of the hearings show up… which is 60% so… better than normal. But with 96 hearings lasting 120 minutes… that is still averaging less than 2 minutes per hearing! So, as ever, as I finish the hearings- I am tired. But the theme for the day was “just keep pushing” so as soon as I got back to the office? Start working on the next paperwork! TOMORROW’s hearings! Of course, this is how I get into these perpetually no time to call or do. Because I keep thinking, “Okay. I have to be prepared for tomorrow. If I’m prepared for tomorrow, then tomorrow I can do the catch up.” But then tomorrow comes and I’m still preparing what has become TODAY while needing to prepare tomorrow and so by the time I’ve taken care of today and tomorrow… there’s no time for anything else.

But… I didn’t have time to ponder that. I had to get across town, get a bit of food, and get ready for the audition that I maybe maybe wouldn’t be allowed to do.

Now… this is being written and published… far earlier than one might expect. Because… I went across town. I got a quick bite… which I could/should be able to discuss in detail if I wanted to (issues with machines and shortness of ingredients) but let’s get to the fun meat part. I finish, I pay, I walk to the theater. It’s… dark. Okay. That happens. But as I try the handle, a car pulls up behind me. Some guy I should recognize (but he doesn’t recognize me either) asks, “Oh, sorry. Are you here for a rehearsal?” And I say, “Audition, actually.” This stops the man, who still looks through his keys to find the right one for the door. “I don’t think auditions are until tomorrow.” Lets… look this up. Because I kept checking the webpage and… actually yeah the auditions are for tomorrow. So now… I can do a few things. First, obviously- back to my car. But at the car.....
The director of the show I am auditioning for was in three shows with me before. If I look through old e-mails… yep, looks like I have her e-mail. Okay, even though there is no e-mail for the Directors on the website… I’m going to take a risk and e-mail the director. “Hey, this is what I had- is that okay?” Because if they demand accompaniment scores, I’m out. I only have the vocal score. So… I can provide a backing track if that works instead? Please let me know?
Then… I’m across town. I could swing by Hermia’s and drop off the box. BUT if they do have a rehearsal, the chances are high that I am getting to her place as her ride gets there or as she and her ride leave - creating an awkward situation. I appreciate the idea of “Don’t postpone” I appreciate that but… I figured just come home.

So… that’s what I’ve done. I’ve come home. And am waiting for an e-mail, lol. And… deeply trying to consider and motivate myself to do more kitchen clean up and all that. So… that’s Tuesday, all. Have a good week!


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